I'd just fallen asleep last night when I woke with a start. I was gasping, I was dying, dreaming that my father couldn't have air. I still can see him in those last horrible minutes. I was so calm and loving to him and my mother but the memory haunts me. It really torments me that I may have nursed him incorrectly, may have made mistakes. I will never know. I will always worry about that.

It's true that I feel terrible. Every day feels a tiny bit worse. I know that this is impermanent, and soon I won't feel as bad. Right now, I want time to myself. I want to also be able to experience my kids and have a small break from my workload. I want to cook in my kitchen and sit down for a while then go lay down on my bed and listen to my children's voices. I don't want to wake up to a messy house (which was unfortunately my reality today). I want to move a little more slowly.

A dear friend suggested I make a list of things that would make my life easier during this time. The term "profiteering" came to mind. But the truth is, this is a hard time for me, and I do want help. I made a list up of what would nurture me now. If anyone reading has felt they'd like to do more, they can do so.

The gift of housekeeping / housekeep hired help. This is the thing I need most.
Childcare (fun dates for my kids, hopefully that involve some exercise)
Red lipstick from Besame
Fabric (for me or my mom). If I sew something from it I will remember who gave it every time I wear it and be glad.
Cut flowers (not flower arrangements) or houseplants
A pair of Doc Martens (brown would be nice, but I don't care too much) for my bike-riding, rainy season coming up. I am a UK size 6.

I worry about bike riding in the rain a lot. This is my fixation, that does not seem related to my father's passing but is nevertheless with me.

Cooking, and being with my kids in a non-stressed environment, is comforting to me. Tonight I look forward to making dinner, something I planned yesterday.

My mom's address is 603 M Street, Hoquiam WA 98550.

Mine is 330 Eklund Avenue Hoquiam WA 98550.

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