Today I worked at the eatery I was first employed at over seventeen years ago. It was a welcome break - very hard work, though. My children were coincidentally on a zoo trip with friends so I was almost a single gal for a few hours. This evening I got home (two and a half hours later than I'd originally thought I would) and unzipped my boots and stripped down to my slip and ran a bath - like a regular waitress.

While waiting tables today three men I knew from town unexpectedly consoled me regarding my father's loss. I wonder if my mom relates to my feeling of faking it, of floating through life looking "normal", feeling like a half-ghost. On one hand I am able to graciously accept their condolences and hear their remembrances - and in this case, record their food orders without pad and pen - and on the other hand I'm a broken person who isn't about to talk about how I really feel - not to strangers and yeah, sometimes I don't really feel like talking about it to friends or family, either.

Tonight when I got home a friend - herself recently widowed - brought us some home-cooked food. I told her thank you, for so many reasons but one being that it feels like the rest of the world will move on and I will somehow never do so. My friend said, "It never gets better," and - herself a very reserved person - began to cry. She waved and smiled and left as fast as she could. We're at my mother's house now reheating the delicious food and waiting to share it with a friend. The kindness of this food is appreciated, as is

when I got home tonight I also found out that a friend (who wished to remain anonymous) paid off the remaining balance on Sophie's bike at the bike shop. I found this out because my sister also bought me a bike-related gift the same day.

All in all, an overwhelming (bad and good) last twelve hours.

Labels: bike, tenderness, the Ghost of Christmas Bastard