Forgiveness is possible; loving others in a way that works for us

Posted by on Apr 30, 2012 in writings | 9 comments

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Welcome to the Spank Out Day 2012 Carnival

This post was written for inclusion in the Second Annual Spank Out Day Carnival hosted by Zoie at TouchstoneZ. Spank Out Day was created by The Center for Effective Discipline to give attention to the need to end corporal punishment of children and to promote non-violent ways of teaching children appropriate behavior. All parents, guardians, and caregivers are encouraged to refrain from hitting children on April 30th each year, and to seek alternative methods of discipline through programs available in community agencies, churches and schools. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

Mid-summer of last year I shakily drove my new (to me) car to a friend’s house. I’d made a desperate call just a few minutes prior and she could hear that I was in need of someone kind to talk to. I knocked on the door and was welcomed into the home of this friend and her partner, both women very dear to me. I sat on their comfortable couch in the soft summer light, ready to compose myself to tell them what was wrong – and instead burst into shuddering sobs.

I’d just come from a meeting in a self-help group. Over the past few months I’d been recovering from the shame and misery of my past – including, in my own words, “the worst shit I’d ever done”. The worst shit I’d ever done, what does that mean? Well, we all know deep in our Knowing Place what these things are, and my worst and your worst aren’t going to be the same. I have a share of immoral (by my own standards) acts in my past. But for me at the time, the “worst things” weighing on me were the things I’d done, or hadn’t done, for my children. I couldn’t shake the thought that while other adults could choose to play in my playground or leave me be, my children were hostage to my bad behaviors. This thought had haunted me to this very summer day.

So in my self-help group I had named some of my mistakes aloud. I briefly related that I regretted yelling at and hitting my children (in an commitment to truthfulness and yet a simultaneous masochistic act of self-criticism, I’d refused to give myself an “out” by calling my behaviors “spanking”, “swatting”, or “paddling”, etc). I started to talk about my freedom from this guilt and shame, and the help the group had brought me in this regard.

But before I had finished speaking, another woman turned to me in disbelief. “For spanking your kids?” She asked in astonished contempt. I paused, surprised at an interruption – rare to unheard of in this group – and went on talking.

As soon as I finished speaking – on a larger point than my parenting, or so I thought – this woman immediately launched into her own narrative. In a most articulate fashion she listed every justifiable reason to hit one’s children and make sure they know who is boss, and why. The world is a hard place. They’re going to learn on the streets if they don’t learn at home. Your kids will blame you later if you don’t discipline them. Anyone who criticizes can fuck off. “CPS can show up and I’ll beat their ass.” Et cetera.

I sat on the sofa and listened. The oddest feelings crept up on me. As she went on – seemingly for ages! – I knew I was feeling – something. I knew I was unhappy, but I didn’t know what else I was going through.

At the end of the meeting we closed and said farewell. I was still confused, but I smiled with a genuine shining love for this woman, the love I feel for all members of the human race today. I knew even though she was addressing me, she was telling me about herself. I knew she had a heart and mind and love for the children she was raising. Perhaps she’d heard what I had to relate and would reflect on it later. I knew she was stressed. I knew I had nothing to give her in this moment but love and compassion.

A few minutes later, I got in the car. I drove a little ways before bursting into tears. Minutes later I’d made my phone call and sat weeping on my friends’ couch. After I had a good cry, the cry I needed to have, my friends and I talked it out. And when I tried to explain how this woman’s words had hurt, but my own words failed me, my friend said firmly and kindly, “She told you to do things that don’t work for you.”

***

I was spanked growing up, but I don’t cite those experiences as particularly painful. The physical aspect of my childhood punishments weren’t as humiliating and confusing, for me, as the emotional and spiritual dysfunction. Besides spanking, I remember only a few other humiliating episodes involving physicality, such as my father throwing a glass of water in my face when I was a teen, and my mother slapping me across the face about that same era. Neither of my parents ever apologized to me for these actions, and I have no idea how deeply, if at all, my parents felt regret, remorse, or shame for these actions on their part.

I have forgiven them, and that forgiveness has been a gift to myself.

I’ve maintained for some time that there is little difference in our “punishments” or “discipline” of our children, as long as we are trying to manipulate them out of our own fear (however deeply our own fears are hidden from us). Last year for my post for the Great Spank-Out I wrote,

“[I]n my opinion there is little to no concrete differences between the following: hitting (also called “spanking”, “swatting”, “smacking”, or “beating”, depending on your culture/family), yelling at, scolding/lecturing, grounding, removing toys/items as a lesson, “natural and logical” consequences (applied at the discretion of the parent/carer in order to groom for desired behavior or eliminate undesired behavior). On the flip side of the coin, praise and rewards are perfectly complimentary to this type of punitive/manipulative parenting schema – and those “carrot” (as opposed to “stick”) systems are relatively common too.”

Although I believe there are more similarities than differences in the above-listed strategies, I also believe every child (and adult!) has the right to relate to themselves and others which strategies hurt, and why. In other words, what was painful for you might not have been as painful for me, and vice versa. What matters, as parents or carers, is we honor our responsibility to our children, instead of deciding our will for them be made manifest. What matters is we forgive ourselves and change. What will make a great difference is if we can forgive those in our past who hurt us. It may make all the difference in the world.

Imagine my intense gratitude when five months after I wrote this post I heard a talk on this topic from Harshada Wagner, a yoga meditation instructor I respect and admire. In his guided meditation, “Living Wisdom: Releasing Shame” (August 29, 2011, at yogaglo.com), Wagner said the following:

“The good news and the bad news about shame is this:
 
“The good news is it’s not our fault. We can blame our parents for a lot of our shame.
 
“The bad news is that our parents aren’t here, and our parents aren’t going to be able to take away whatever it is that we have taken on. We’re going to have to do that ourselves.
 
“Of course, I’m kidding. It’s really Good News, and Good News.
 
“It’s good news that it’s not our fault. Everyone has a certain degree of shame that we carry around that keeps us from really shining. And it’s actually good news that the sources of the shame, if they were on the outside, aren’t the ones that can take it away. Because it puts that responsibility, but it also gives us the ability and the privilege and the freedom to work out what we need to work out.”
 
[...]
 
“Almost every child is punished with emotional pain. It sounds very harsh, but let me just spell it out. When a child makes a mistake, when a child has done something that the parent doesn’t approve of and the parent wants to get the child to do what they want them to do, they will withdraw some kind of privilege until the child does what they want them to do.
 
“Why is that? What is the parent drying to create there?
 
“You parents watching this, please don’t take offense.
 
“When we do that, we’re trying to create emotional pain in the child. ‘You can’t go outside until you do your homework.’ ‘You can’t eat your dessert until you eat your vegetables.’ These are very benign sort of punishments. ‘Go to your room!’ … And then it gets harsher and harsher, all the way up to, some of us were actually slapped, or screamed at.
 
“But whatever the punishment was, was made to make us feel bad, as a way to learn a lesson. Even if our parents didn’t want to hit us physically, they wouldn’t feel like we had really gotten the message, unless we were sad. Our favorite toy was taken away. Our video games were denied to us.
 
“A really smart little kid, you know if they said, ‘Jimmy, you’re only five years old, you shouldn’t be playing with matches,’ and little Jimmy was really sharp and said ‘You know what, you’re right. I’m only five, what do I know about playing with matches. I could burn down the house down. You’re so right. I’m too young to play with matches and it’s dangerous. Thank you, mom and dad for the feedback. I really appreciate it. I’m going to take this on, and really make sure that I don’t play with matches any more. Thank you so much.’
 
“No, it wouldn’t go like that. If a child was that bright, was so smart, most parents would still not be satisfied until they grounded him or smacked the matches out of his hand, or yelled at him and frightened him in some way.”

Wagner’s entire meditation, which I have since earnestly recommended to so many, resounded with me deeply last September, and continues to today. All parents, even the best parents, attempt to apply emotional pain to their child to get their child to do what they want. We may do it reflexively or we may do it deliberately with some thought ahead of time – or, as is most likely, we do both. We may do it for noble reasons or for selfish ones – again, we likely do both. Some of us can know we are doing this to our children and desire not to – yet we still do it, to whatever degree we do. A lifetime of training, and our own fears and resentments and anxieties, have created a habit energy hard to dissolve. Progress can be made, but I’m unsure if perfection can be achieved.

I also know the child has a right to her own experience, and tuning into her experiences is as important, if not more so, than time and energy spent building and defending and tearing down and rebuliding and obsessing over our strategies, or those of other people.

The woman in my self-help group who told me I should beat my children had what seemed like the absolute noblest of intentions in advising me such. Briefly: she is the matriarch in a black family, raising her own nieces out of familial necessity while living in an urban, drug-riddled and economically-depressed environs. She is battling her own disease of alcoholism and she has an unsupportive larger family. If you can see deeply at all, you can have compassion and understand where she might be coming from.

As I heard in group the other day from an older man: “I had to come here to this group to learn things. I had to learn to stop hitting people. You hit people when you’re afraid.”

You hit people when you are afraid.

And the parents, carers, or those without children who attempt to put themselves in a false position of separateness and superiority with regards to the topic of disciplining children are also acting out of fear. Compassion, kindness, and gentleness are needed – not more recrimination and words spoken in anger.

This upsetting conversation last summer, and the discussion with friends afterwards, were very helpful. I was brave to be honest and vulnerable in a public way – about my worst shit. And after I spoke, someone directly challenged me with every possible good argument to punitively parent my children – even as she spoke and I felt sad, the amusing image of a little cartoon devil on my shoulder popped into my mind. But the truth is this: I could not parent my children this way and be okay with myself. I had never had this ability. So, I part ways in strategy with this woman. I can speak my mind and relate, from the heart, my experience as child, then parent – but I am not in a position to play God and I cannot follow her home and force her to see things any particular way.

I have not seen this woman in a while, but I hope she holds me in love and kindness the way I hold her. I know that this is possible, even in the most controversial and personal of topics. It is possible when we practice love and compassion – for all beings.

***

Spank Out Day 2012 Carnival hosted by TouchstoneZ

On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the handy #SpankOutCar hashtag. You can also subscribe to the Spank Out Day Carnival Twitter List and Spank Out Day Carnival Participant Feed.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

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9 Comments

  1. Great post! I didn’t know there is a Spankout Day. This is a good way to bring awareness to the damage spanking and harsh words cause in our lives and our children’s.

    I’m always in practice-mode with not hitting or shaming my kids when we dissagree, NOT doing these actiopns takes some commitment dedication, as I was shamed and hit as a child. But it’s worth-while dedication and the energy I recieve from self-control and awareness is worth the challenge of not forcing my will on M&B.

    You would think it wouldn’t be so hard to not haul off and slap, but at times it is (as is such, many times it is so easy to parent through the less aggreable times that I cannot believe I ever resorted to hitting and shaming).

    I don’t think it is possible to be my idea of perfect, but that doesn’t stop me from always trying to do my best parenting in every moment. And really, isn’t that what this road is always about? Your words spoke to me, thanks for making an inspiring post about this topic. I may find the time this week to write about how I feel about all this.

    I know my kids appreciate not being hit when mommy and daddy are feeling angry/annoyed, even though they aren’t able to actually show it or recognize having heard the word “no” really isn’t the end of their world!

  2. Thank you for sharing this – I find that when I present something deeply important for me there often arises someone voicing something that challenges that view just as you had. I believe, like you, that every time I’ve used ‘spanking’ or yelling or manipulation in my parenting it has always come from a place of fear and confusion.

    Forgiving myself as a mother is an ongoing progress … as I gain more awareness of my past mis-steps I find more that need forgiveness and love.

    I too hope she holds you in love – I also hope that she has found ways to let go of some(most?all?) of the fear that keeps her in the space where hitting seems like a good choice.

  3. I so appreciate your honesty and everything you shared here. It’s all so poignant and heartfelt. I can feel your love for this other woman and as you describe her situation more I can understand a bit more about where she might be coming from as well.

    [ edited by blog owner for typos ]

    “You hit people when you’re afraid.”…. Oh yes. It’s really true. And remembering that one thing is a good way for me to tap into compassion for parents in this situation. I want to be loving as you are… but it’s very hard to take a breath and think of the adult when a child is getting hit. Even though I know that loving a child and spanking them is way better than a child who doesn’t get hit and doesn’t really get loved either.

    It’s so simple and so complicated.

    Again, thank you for sharing your story.

  4. I’m so sorry!! it looks like I pasted your entire post when I just wanted to copy one line…. so my comment is the beginning and end.
    ooops!!!!

  5. I have never heard someone say that we hit when we are afraid, but that is so true. We are a consensually living family and for the most part, I frown upon violence against other people. However, I have told my children that in the event that they are in danger, such as someone trying to kidnap them, they are to scream, hit, kick, bite, and do whatever they have to to get somewhere safe. It’s a matter of survival. However, fear should have no place in a loving family.

  6. “You hit people when you are afraid.”

    And that fear is about losing control in a lot of instances, I bet. And the ironic bit is that when we hit, we’re not asserting control, we’ve already lost it. I try to look at any kind of ‘parental hitting’ (for lack of a better term) as violence plain and simple, no different than brother hitting sister or adult hitting adult. It’s all violence. But it wasn’t until I had more than 1 child that I saw it like that. And I try to remember that hitting in anger only teaches others to hit in anger. More and more I try to put myself in my kids’ shoes when behavior problems arise – mostly the type that are physical fighting and jealousy. Sometimes it’s hard but mostly it’s humbling. And I have to say that part of the reason I do this more now than I used to is because of your example, Kelly – specifically your willingness to really hear your kids when they have issues that need resolving. So thank you.

    As an aside, I think your assessment of the woman from your meeting is probably spot-on. It can be difficult to try something other than what we know when we have no support from family. I had a student once who related a story to the class about how he had been in Walmart with his mom, “showing out” (messing around and being generally crazy as kids do). They were in the housewares section and his mom told him several times to get himself under control, then in desperation she grabbed a wooden spoon from a rack and beat him with it. In Walmart. Then she said, “Boy, see what you made me do??? Now I have to buy this spoon!” He told it as a funny story but it spoke volumes about his relationship with his parents and their way of parenting.

  7. Wow. How brave of you not only to admit to yourself what you needed to change (for yourself) but to share it with all of us. I think it is pretty amazing that you were able to find the connection in those two highly-emotional back-to-back moments. I can only imagine the ripples of personal growth that gave you.

    Thank you for sharing this. Every time I read of another mother opting for a new way it gives me strength and inspiration to do the same. Truly.

  8. There are so many wonderfully insightful gems in this post but this phrase really struck me: “I have forgiven them, and that forgiveness has been a gift to myself.” Only because I am still bitter about how I was parented because of the level of work I must do in my life now in order to raise my children differently. Being willing to forgive them for their choices is hard for me especially because the emotional abuse is still present in our relationship now but I know that I have to let it go…for me. Thank you for sharing your journey.

  9. Thank you, all who commented. I’m a bit exhausted from other events so won’t respond to everyone. I just want you to know, I read all your comments twice-over and I appreciate you taking the time to share. Future readers will benefit as well.

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