warts & all

Doubtless some of my readers have wondered why a few days ago I wrote about an excruciating experience in graphic emotional detail, but with little other disclosure. After a few days, and a few more developments, I am ready to share a little. Only a little, at this time.

Friday we found out that something assaultive, or more likely than not, more than one event, happened to one of our children. The discovery came as a complete shock to us and is taking an unpleasantly long time to accept. At this point, institutional and investigative entities have been employed. Because this is an incident that concerns one of our children, you can understand I don’t think the kids deserve me to sell out their privacy. Suffice to say my children and my family can benefit from support, and good, honest, safe-ass people in our lives.

One of the most agonizing aspects of this development is we do not have all the answers as to what has happened, and it may take time to get them. Also: unlike other sorrows I have gone through – like my father’s illness and death – this seems to have temporarily but painfully removed my ability to think about much else for very long. Life is suddenly surprisingly difficult – for me, at least. I can’t speak so much for the other three members of the family, who seem to be holding up well. I find myself going for many hours without being able to eat – then, like now, suddenly my appetite is back (ravenously so!). I have had two nights out of four that were just nightmarish, sleep-wise. I wished for Oblivion but I patiently waited that wish out.

I rode the bike about eight miles in a rainstorm again today for an appointment, and thankfully no one criticized me for this (just: don’t). You’d be surprised what I’m willing to do in hopes of restful sleep. (There is a lot I’m *not* willing to do, too!)

I am better off than I was Friday but I put that down to incredibly fervent prayer, and using the many types of support I have available to me.

Then there’s the “little” shit that is hard. It is frustrating that although it seems it would be easy for me to perform the tasks I normally do, I am having a great deal of trouble. Planning meals, doing the simplest of chores, let alone creative work or playtime with the kids, is almost entirely unmanageable at times. Compounding this is the fact that: doing work, within reason, is a good thing and I know it. Lying around watching Netflix and trying to blot out my brain – not so much.

One of the things I am still functional at is volunteer work. I do this – again, within reason, as I have responsibilities to myself and my family. I can’t tell you how meaningful it is to me to do something useful that doesn’t just serve myself and my family. I am daily in a place of gratitude for this opportunity.

I am definitely in that One-Day-At-A-Time space. Soon I will have experience to share, and will be able to share others. But I’m patiently waiting for that to come on its own time.

Thank you for sharing this time with me.

11 thoughts on “warts & all

  1. Oh, Kelly. I am so sorry. I had feared from your first post on the subject that this was what you were dealing with. As a mama, it truly is one of the very hardest things to experience, made even harder by all the layers of the very hardest factual and emotional information to assimilate. This is may be contrary to what you posted before, but I think your anguish is a completely normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I hope it helps even a little to reflect on the inner resilience and self love your children can rely on because of the parenting you and your partner have done, are doing. Wishing you and your beloveds love and a good night’s sleep, at the very least.

  2. I am so so sorry up hear this. I cannot imagine what you’re going through, but you and your family are in my thoughts.

  3. All my love to you guys. One awesome thing that your kids have got in their corner is the giant amount of constant love and support given to them by you and Ralph. Pat yourself on the back about that one.

  4. There are times when being numb makes sense and when all is not well with our kids that would be one of those times. I sense that you are being hard on yourself and as a Mama, it is hard to avoid it. But giving yourself time to be whatever you need to be is eventually going to be part of the healing process for the entire family. Just like the great unknowns of death, there are times when all we can do is just be. As hard as it is, take care of yourself my friend. Much love and healing to the entire Hogaboom family.

  5. i second so much of what jen, shannon, and blackgirlinmaine say. wholeheartedly.
    i still hold space, a safe and whole space, for you hogabooms. i’m terribly sorry that this has happened and send you all much love and support. words don’t measure up, but i attempt them anyway.
    my thoughts are with you.

  6. There are no words. I am so sorry. Care and prayers and peace to all of you as you face this. <3

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