First shoes. Brand-new Nikes in his size at the Goodwill, $2.99.

It used to be I could sneak a trip to the bathroom and by the time he figured out I was gone, I was done. Now he's got the speed of a full-grown man. Hard to remember that sometimes. He is getting bigger and smarter than I. If I had about five baby gates I would corrall him in the hallway and go outside and hide from him.

Considered starting a new support group today: Mothers on the Verge of Child Abuse. MOVCA. Just wasn't a good enough acronym. Besides, no one would come. Too many people don't want to admit the fact they are hanging on by a thin thread. I am ready to get back to smoking - it's been a couple weeks. Hard alcohol would help, too.

Phone conversation with JB today. Time: 51:56. Yes, on the phone and eating bonbons - thank God for babes who still can nap on the tit. JB differs from the ilk of my small collection of close friends. If my life was Sesame Street she'd be the "friend" block that was green and triangular amongst the rest of the red lot of wooden cubes. Intuitive; cautious; spiritually broadened; very serious; sharp little bird. I have found a lot of help in her this week. It feels right, somehow, to rely on one another. To have the gritty conversations about the marrow in our bones. I hope she can learn to rely on me in some way, too. I know it doesn't come naturally for her.

Fresh wheat bread dough rising; little boy playing with blocks in the living room; sunlight in my home; clean dishes on the counter, air-drying.

Sick boy
Pinkeye
Coffee
Rosemary
Park time
Open gym
Medicine, then nap
Tumbling class
Husband rescue
Good dinner
Margaret Cho

Cho - highlights: the "Asian Chicken Salad"-face and the car-shitting story (acquiesence: "... because, it was bigger than me"). Time with CK and Paige always well-spent.

Irritations:
upper middle-class Queen Bees
my cheap-ass jogging stroller
my kids wiping their snotty noses on my shirt

Today was a rough one. Wishing for my own Mommy. Stuck here with Rotten Kids.

Nice get together. Thank you, Señor.

Top form from the barefoot bitch in the kitchen. Chile Relleno. Rice with Cilantro Dressing. Black Beans. Coleslaw. Cornbread. Flan & guac provided by CK. Fresh salsa provided by LoRo. Out-of-town guests who were a very sweet duo.

All in all, a good time had by most. Nels knocked over a beer bottle or two, but hey - that's the party lifestyle.

A new challenge - coming up with an idea for summer party themes. So far: "Dead Rock Stars", "Haze the Dykes", Freudian Botticelli, badminton.

People in this household think they can get away with cuddling, snuggling, all that, and no one will notice nor protest. However, I roam the house in the middle of the night taking incriminating photos:


last night.

Of course, not all cuddling happens in the wee hours. Had an extry kiddo again all day and just look what occurs:

true love.

Tonight was date night for Husband and I. Yah! As a bonus - at the end of our evening we finally got a viewing of a friend's stalking object. He was cute-ish and appeared harmless but not quite stalk-worthy in my book - too friendly and easygoing. We drove past him, then circled around the block to get a second look (*much* to Husband's discomfort). It seems like it might be cool if the guy just started sensing a general heightened interest in his activities, all over town.

Ahh... memories. I stalked a lot, at my friend's age (a tender 17). It was funsies but I think the men involved, when they started getting a whiff of what was going on, felt slightly threatened. It's nice to be female, I guess - you aren't going to end up in jail over it. I no longer stalk, but I currently "sort of keep tabs" on a few people, including a college ex-buddy I no longer care for and our local hero, The Savage.

We had this and this for dinner tonight. Very good. Quite a production to sear chicken in a sticky sauce. I hate cooking meat indoors. But I love eating it anywhere. What a mess, however! I had to smoke a fag to get rid of the grease smell in my hair. Then I laquered my toenails UltraSlutty Red (to quote an Amore-ism). So now I smell all trashy and sexy in three layers.

Girlfriend JB and I are on our way to see our friend her new baby tonight. We are leaving our kids with our poor, unsuspecting husbands.

np - Drive In Saturday

Dinner tonight:

Turkey meatballs. Foil-baked asparagus. Baked potatoes.

Have people ever wondered what it means for a woman whose major accomplishment of the day is thinking up, buying for, preparing, and serving dinner to her family (then cleaning it up and starting all over the next day)? And who repeats it daily without fail? And further - is it sick and wrong that said woman would actually enjoy this?

I'm sure all you assholes without families think my life is mundane and pointless. But let me tell you, two snuggly healthy kids is like having kittens or an aibo but even more bonus. And what have you got to show for in your life? You know, I stand here now and I look at the two of us, and I ask one simple question: Who is the rich man? You, with your fifty-eight houses, your private island in the Bahamas, your multi-billion pound business empire; or me, with... with... with what, I've got.

It's you isn't it? Yes it's all very clear to me now. You -- richer and happier.

In other news - my brother is denying it, but he taught Sophie some threatening claw-like gesture while she hung out with them last weekend. Freak!

np - Iron & Wine
Feelin' wussy

Man. This weekend took a lot out of us. Especially me and The Boy. He has something wrong with him - his eyes are red and inflamed and he is a little clingy. I'm still iffy on the throat action. Not out of the woods yet. So frickin' lame. Going to the doctor tomorrow (for him, not me).

Today was a good day tho'. An open gym with the kids and a few girlfriends. Some therapeutic homemade chicken soup and a fun time planning dinner. And this afternoon, AFTER a 40 minute drive all over the Four Corners area(s) (FUCKing Hell!), the Wee Gel and I attended her first tumbling class. She was great. A pro within just a few minutes of her first time ever. She backwards-somersaulted, hung on the bar with her feet up, bounced on the trampoline, bear-walked along the balance beam. It was great to spend some time focussed on her rather than keeping Nels from tearing apart couches, other kids, whatever. It's a juggling act to get one-on-one with all my Lovies. I can see why adding more kids (or husbands?) to the equation could throw it further out of balance.

This morning was asked, once again, to write for Vigilance. Must stop writing blog drivel and come up with that fabulous creative stuff. Have been thinking on the subjects of ass-kissing, medicinal marijuana, and stalking.


Listened to some PUSA today. Sophie loves "Kitty". Took me back to college [yawn!].

You know what's lame? Long-lost friends who just send pictures of their kids via email. Nary a single sentence in years, just boring-ass pictures.

And with that - I'm out.

1. Seattle was better the second time around (thank you, CK!).

2. I have not been myself since 3:30 AM Thursday morning - almost 48 hours with only a handful of them spent in sleep.

3. My family is fabulous (thank you muchly for a ride to the ferry). Abbi's baby is fabulous. Life is, after some very hectic few days, settling down.

4. Cafe Soleil in Madrona hit the spot.

5. I have had Outkast's "Spread" stuck in my head for almost two days.

Happy birfday, Daddy!

April 16, 1943. A sprightly 62 years old.

Still wigged out from lack o' sleep and adrenaline-fueled Seattle excursion. Also - injudiciously - drank too much last night while hosting my 'rents. Today: race at the park, ferry ride back to Seattle.

... and Fucken A', I am exhausted.

No, not me. I didn't have no baby. I'm all done a-birthin' in my sweet life. But about an hour ago we got back from a long, exhausting, and wonderful birth in Seattle (first headed up and out about 3:30 AM Thursday morning). Congratulations to mom and dad!

Rosemary Scarlette
Born April 15th (today!) 1:48 AM via Cesarean at Family Beginnings Birth Center at Group Health in Seattle
9 lb. 12 ounces and 20.5 inches long

Abbi was attended by fabulous midwives and staff at the FBU as well as good friends Rebecca, Amber, and myself. She'll be there until Sunday recovering.

AND... of course... there was multiple instances of drama and horrid flightiness on my part... which I've decided to document (when I've recovered some sleep) and share with Abbi on Rosemary's 1st birthday...

For now: hot shower, change of clothes, homecooked dinner. Tonight my dear gel Sophie returns from her sojurn to my parents'!

abbi's in labor!

and all we had to do was plan a roadtrip for tomorrow morning to get things going.

stay posted...

From our Saturday visit to the Marine Science Center:

Disheartening day. Had to escape children this evening. Luckily Husband still likes them enough to stick around and take care of them. This evening good friend CK agreed to escape with me ("bless her heart") and she & I hit Slobberdale for a little window-shopping and good conversation.

Waiting for girlfriend to have baby. Waiting, waiting, waiting... She is overdue but as a fellow late-deliverer I feel peaceful giving it time. It is fascinating to watch her in these latter days of pregnancy. She is gaining confidence and insight into her own strength. She will do wonderfully.

Need a floor-length / semi-formal gown for a snooty auction this Saturday. My only dress is one I bought from the Goodwill last summer as a joke - for a seventies croquet party! Somehow I don't think I can wear that and not be the underdressed asshole of the group. Because of this, will probably skip the event. Would be nice to at least try on some dresses and feel girlie (have I ever felt girlie?). My friend RJ would wear the dress (hiding tags) and take it back later. Hee hee!

Things to look forward to:
looking after Livver tomorrow
payday on Friday
Sophie's 2-day visit to Grandma's
Nels' / my dad's birthday run Saturday (along with custom-ordered Nels uniforms)
resumption of Twin Peaks viewing at some point in near future
Seattle

Dreading:
intarsia nightmare in current knitting project
Wednesday playschool helper
missing Sophie
Seattle

Something's up.

I just know it.

Today's the day, and I haven't heard from her yet.

finished a UFO - thanks to Abbi and knitty.

Time to move on to the Mission Falls fish hat for my wee gel -

Husband and I go out to Sirens. Verbatim transcription of part of the ensuing conversation:

Me: "Yeah, but - great asses aren't that common. That's why guys take what they can get."

Husband: "You know what's more common than a great ass? People with really tight pants who have mediocre or piss-poor asses...

"And it's really disappointing."

I can't believe it's been a year.

Nels David Hogaboom
a birth story

Born at home to mom Kelly, dad Ralph, and sister Sophia
1:20 AM Wednesday April 7, 2004
8 pounds 7 ounces
21 inches long

April 6th, 9 AM - is it or isn't it?

A couple hours after I wake up on Tuesday I'm having mild contractions that are only a tiny bit more intense than the Braxton Hicks contractions I'd had throughout the last half of my pregnancy. These contractions are only slightly painful and certainly not too intense. Nevertheless, they are somewhat distracting and never truly subside, coming anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes apart. Ralph senses things are going to go into motion and comes home at noon, starting his two weeks off of work. He calls my mom at about 3 PM and tells her to head up to see us (she leaves about 5 PM). At this point I am hopeful of labor but also feeling somewhat silly at the thought I might be treating everyone to a false alarm. My mom arrives at about 9 PM time and she and Ralph start writing down my contractions, calling midwives, and cleaning the house up a bit.

April 6th, 10 PM - the real thing

My mom and I are watching a movie together and my contractions are still coming about 10 minutes apart. I still claim I am unsure if labor is going someplace. But everyone is noticing I pause the movie during each contraction so I can concentrate on getting though it. I'm undecided if I should walk around to "get things moving" or lie down and rest in between contractions. I'm trying not to be too fearful of another long labor like I had with my first child. Suddenly at about 10:30 PM I hop up from the bed and turn off the movie, since contractions have sped up to about 4 minutes apart. Naturally my mom and Ralph are very excited and go about making phone calls and preparations while I pace the floor and cope with each contraction. It is going quite well but I keep telling myself these are the "easy" contractions and I try not to worry about what's to come.

Around 10:30 my midwives and my doula start arriving and I am focusing inward in the classic "Laborland" manner. I notice peripherally how efficient and friendly everyone is, setting up the bed, laying out blankets and birth supplies and getting snacks. Everyone is wonderful to me and provides me with water and encouragement between contractions, respectful silence and privacy during. I feel very protected and honored and so it is easy not to be fearful. My doula Elizabeth arrives and strokes my back and speaks softly to me. She puts me nearly to sleep in between contractions. I am feeling so grateful for the love and encouragement I am getting. I know I am coping very well and in fact since I am doing so well I don't think I am very far along.

April 7th, Midnight - silliest labor quote

Things are intense but I don't want a check to see how far I've dilated. I am somewhat afraid to discover all the work I am doing hasn't gotten me anywhere. Laura (one of the midwives) suggests I get into the tub. I'd always thought of the tub as what you use as a last resort toward the end of labor so I tell her I can wait. After a few more contractions I decide to get in, hoping for some pain relief. I spend about 40 minutes in the tub with contractions edging up their intensity. Everyone is around me encouraging me and vocalizing though my contractions. Elizabeth holds my hands and breathes with me through the contractions, then puts a cold cloth on my head and neck in between. Everyone helps keep me calm and focused, as does the knowledge I have to take each contraction one at a time. Close to 1 AM I feel the urge to have Ralph hold and kiss me while I rest, and help talk me through contractions (he's repeating something I read from Birthing From Within: "Labor is hard work, it hurts, and you can do it"). I don't realize at the time but I am going through transition. After a few contractions I start to feel a little of that, well -- grunting urge. I know it is perfectly okay to grunt and push a little to help with the pain and I instinctively do so. The midwives clue into what I am doing and are back in the room. Laura says, "Gee Kelly, it sounds like you're pushing" and I reply (idiotically) "I'm not really pushing, it just feels good to bear down a little bit". These contractions are pretty rough but everyone is helping me so much it is still very manageable.

April 7th, 1:10 AM - OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!

Kathy convinces me to let her check me and informs me not only am I completely dilated, but that the baby's head has descended quite a bit. I am completely amazed at this (despite knowing I am feeling the urge to push) and even accuse everyone of just saying that to make me feel better! (I feel a little silly about this later). During each contraction I am feeling the pain in my hips, all the way to the bone, which my midwives tell me is a sign the baby is moving. Kathy tells me later I comment that it is like a crowbar prying my pelvis apart. Despite the pain I am coping well and in between the contractions I am still calm. I comment that I am not feeling any pressure in my bottom yet and I think to myself this means I have a ways to go. Oops, I speak too soon -- with the next contraction I feel the baby AT THE DOOR, so to speak. This takes me by surprise and my labor sounds change from low and powerful and very alarmed and - well - a little screechy. Everyone is talking to me and trying to help me calm down and focus. I am amazed at the pain and pressure and overcome with an almost frantic need to push. I am pushing, pushing, pushing, before I can tune into my midwives telling me to ease off. I do the best I can and manage to ease off a bit and direct my energies more constructively. Despite the pain I am overjoyed to know I am so close and my baby will be here any minute. "I know I will feel so good when I see my baby", I tell myself and this helps me. Kathy tells me to reach down and feel the head and after an initial hesitation I do, surprised again at how soft and smooth it is. I can feel each part of his head I deliver. It hurts! But I know I am close. The head is out and then I am surprised by the fullness and difficulty of the shoulders, which I do not remember from my first birth.

April 7th, 1:20 AM - Nels is born

With one final push I feel my baby being delivered and I am surprised it is already over. I have been kneeling in the tub and so immediately turn around and Ralph tells me later I am saying, "Give me my baby! I want to hold my baby!" to the midwives who are doing their thing. I have a vision of his long, smooth body floating in the water, the room lit by candlelight in a soft glow. Within seconds he is in my arms and I am crying and Ralph is crying and the whole room is full of a collective soft and surprised murmur. I am holding him to my chest and saying, "I can't believe it, I can't believe it" over and over, feeling so filled with surprise and happiness. He is perfect and so soft and I feel wonderful. I realize I have done it, I have given birth to a healthy baby boy in my own home, with my own power.

April 7th, early morning - getting to know you

I stay in the water crying and holding my baby for several minutes before anyone thinks to discover the baby's sex. I hold my child away from my chest and in between squirming legs and the umbilical cord I see we have a boy! Of course, this is perfect. Everything feels perfect! After a few more minutes I am ready to get out of the water and get cleaned up, but I know we have to wait for the placenta. I feel like this takes forever but it probably is only a fifteen minute wait. Another surprising feeling of fullness and then the placenta is delivered. Kathy has to pull the cord a bit and gently massage my tummy to get the whole thing in one piece. My mom is on the phone with my dad and has to pass the phone around so she can cut the cord. I am ready to get out and dry off and nurse my second child.

I am helped out of the tub and into some dry clothes. I am so happy to have so much loving help. I prop myself up on the bed and hold my son to my breast. He latches almost immediately like a pro. I keep asking my husband, "Is this really happening?" because it has gone like a dream and I am so happy. After some time of nursing the midwife eventually takes my son to the foot of the bed to weigh him and check his limbs and reflexes. Elizabeth brings me food -- cheese, bread, apples and oranges. My pulse is checked and found to be high (100) so I am encouraged to drink a huge glass of water (this happened with Sophie too). My afterpains are intense, more so than with Sophie, but I know this to be normal. I breathe through them. Sophie wakes up and is brought into the room, looking cranky and confused. I kiss her and introduce her to her brother (she is unimpressed) and Ralph takes her back to the bedroom to settle her back to sleep. Kathy checks my bottom out and finds only two tiny tears, no need for sutures. The energy of the house is settling, people are packing things, Elizabeth says goodbye. Laura leaves too and I take a shower with Kathy's help. She stays long enough to give postpartum instructions and asks me to page her when I can pee. I am a little anxious about this myself, for vague fear of a catheter. Kathy leaves about 3:20 and as her car is pulling out I am able to pee, feeling now finally that everything is alright.

My husband is looking dead tired. I am wired and unable to sleep. We send my mom off to bed. I hold my son who is still awake! He is drowsy though and wants to snuggle. At about 4:30 AM I finally fall asleep on the bed, Ralph on the couch, holding his son. We are awakened just before 7 AM to the joyful sounds of our firstborn running through the house talking excitedly to Grandma. Grandma looks like she really needs a cup of coffee.

Labels: babies, birthday, milestones, Nels

9:58 AM: "Wil Merritt"
10:08 AM: "Brad DeMar, Regina Rogers, Carrie George" Whoa, slow down...
10:28 AM: "Sommar Dickinson" Very popular person...
10:34 AM: "Wil Merritt"
10:37 AM: "Susan Kim"
11:00 AM: "Michele Glisson"

3:22 PM: You just announced to the public, "Mark Sherman". Then repeated yourself. We heard you the first time!
3:39: "Sue McDonald"
3:41: "Sommar Dickinson"
5:38: "Patrick Donahue"

Now quit reading this and get back to work!!

The world of women. Gossip and betrayal. It has been thick lately. A few dear female friends in bad places. 2005 is being good to me - so far. Maybe this is the year I am there for all of them?

Log in to music-stealing program and am dismayed to see a lot of Doors, requested by husband. Vaguely disturbed as Jim Morrison is so very, very lame.

"Need" this for my daughter. She is so into ninjas.

P.S. Churchmouse Yarns on Bainbridge may be on my "You Suck" list.

Husband came home an hour late last night at 1 AM. I tried to stay up but failed. This morning I queried on the success of my meatballs for the men ("the secret ingredient is love"). From what he tells me I picture a group of ravenous jackals - everyone scarfing them with no niceties such as asking about the last serving, and no one thought to clean out crockpot before sending it sloshing home. Women are brought up so differently than men. Not necessarily better or worse; different.

Busy today. Kids up, breakfast, Mama up & showered: head to our Sunday breakfast group. Time seems short; oh, today was the clock change. Damn. Head to church & arrive 10 minutes late. The Boy falls asleep on Husband, The Girl behaves herself relatively well. Longer service (communion). Running late. Fifteen minutes between church dismissal and birthday party for AE - Husband and I park the car at home, turn on iPod kid's playlist, and bolt inside to finish cake decorating and card-signing. Short stay at party; grocery shopping; 15 minutes at home to scarf lunch and throw kids down for naps. Husband heads to Soup Kitchen to serve. 3:30 and my first "break" altho' piles of housework face me.

Sermon was great today. Doubting Thomas. Guest pastor who is a very charismatic speaker.

Time to roll up sleeves and clean house. Take exactly 45 seconds to appreciate the peace in my childrens' bedroom as they nap with nightlight and kitty accompanying them.

np - still on Belle & Sebastian kick - "The Chalet Lines". Saddest song ever?

Mon dieu. I'd forgotten. Malls are Hell.

I think I'm used to a more rural lifestyle. Tinies and Husband did well but I - with only a limited shopping list - could feel myself unravelling quickly. The traffic, the noice, all the *stuff* - the hordes of pinch-faced mutants blinging their way through acres of clearance racks. After only an hour of being there I felt shaky and dissociated. Ate horrible, horrible food. Watched as two Victoria Secret clerks sniped at one another behind brittle, artificial smiles. Heard woman abusing her kid in the bathroom at Toys 'R' Us. For a change I started actively looking for people who were enjoying themselves, with limited success.

Purchases: coffees for Husband and I, carseat, webcam, jacket, li'l girl panties, big girl panties, rosemary healing lip balm, gerber daisies, food at sbarro and cinnabon. Regrets: sbarro, Cinnabon.

Husband is heading off for a night of chips, dips and dorks. Well - not really. About six (?) Daddies getting together for unchaperoned event including food and beer and lots of PS2. They are a cute bunch, too. They all deserve a night out for sure. Husband invited me along but I knew it would be a pathetic cry for help on my part. Plus, I am just too rowdy for those men to handle. Instead I made a crockpot with a double-helping of Greek meatballs for Husband to take along, with my love.

Attempted a facelift for blog. Lame, lame, lame. Archive problems and my FTP client is sucking right now.

Depressed. np - Belle & Sebastian. Makes me feel better.

Random iTunes Ten:

Purple Anteater - Damien Jurado
The Waiting - Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Cayenne - Solex
Dirty Equation - Dirty Three
Just Like Rain - Laurie Lewis and Kathy Kallick
Baby Doll - Cat Power
Nice Day For A Sulk - Belle & Sebastian
Track 20 Surfa Rosa - Pixies
Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor - James Horner
The Love Below (Intro) - Outkast

3 kiddos again today. Piece of cake. Napping at the same time? You betcha. Tomorrow is Husband's all-male video-game night. I think I'll plan to make some manly snacks.

Purchases today:
birthday GAP money clothes
chapstick ("My lips hurt REAL BAD!")

Resolutions:
all-cotton panties
next item to sew - after super-secret Abbi gift - is for me

One of those evenings that starts out pleasant and ends up fabulous. Also, you're drunk.

Tonight marked the last night of the (best) local sushi restaurant. Left The Girl with Michelle while The Boy and The Husband went to a work after-hours party, and I - freedom! Arrived and found a very crowded scene with my small table of friends (three dykes and a housemate) waiting for me. We also had a couple join us impromtu - an ex-pro footballer-cum-carpenter-cum-bodyworker and his wife (quiet voiced little thing who I couldn't hear much from because of noisy blabbing - mostly mine). A surprise halfway through the evening - all our food was free! And the proprieter was sending all these exquisite dishes around to sample. Everyone got some of everything. It was really a treat.

After the multi-course loveliness the festive spirit continued - a couple of the gals and I moved on to another pub for a martini and a few pints of beer. After about at hour it was LoRo and I sharing much love. And thank you dear lady for the extra round - just when I needed it least! 9:30 and we old ladies are ready to go home and I am not feeling safe to drive. Leave car downtown; call husband; our night in shining armor. Giggle, giggle, giggle. He is a saint to take care of me so well.

What else? Learned tonight that the phrase "rule of thumb" has been long associated with wife-beating; then learned that is a false association. Currently: insomnia, IMing with Ruger, listening / watching my husband settle our nightwaking son.

Tomorrow - or rather, in a few hours (damn you, post-drinking binge insomnia!): another round of babysitting; payday.