Today as I walked between my kitchen and living room I came upon the tipping point about our homeschool decision, which was: if I ever decide I want money more than I want our homeschool / family experience, I can always choose money. I am not destined to poverty for life (which is how I sometimes fear my future) just because - for now, and a while at least - I'm choosing not to work outside the home for financial compensation.

But can anyone know how strongly I feel I'm supposed to be hurrying my children along to free babysitting so I can go put my time and brain and body into someone else's endeavor, so they can give me money, and I can bring it home? Why do I feel this way? Simply because that's what nearly everyone I personally know is doing. Although this doesn't match with my or my husband's goals, I still feel this tremendous pressure to chase investment (in a home, in better cars, in more stuff, in nicer stuff), some outside sense of accomplishment, some way of being smart money-wise so I can have enough that I don't have to actually count up the bits and think about them.

What I need: mentors. I have been told, oddly it seems sometimes, I am a mentor or at least an inspiration to not a few who read here or know me. And I'm seeking the same in this category of my children's education and our life as a family. Applicants, do seek me out because I feel decisively like I'm setting on a path few travel and maybe one more importantly: a path my own family of origin did not travel.

I briefly feel such a kinship with and gratitude for my mother when I discuss this with her, later in the day on the phone. I'm saying, "... trying to accept that I won't be working" when she starts to talk and I add, "well I mean, working for pay." She interrupts herself to laugh "Yeah really!" aside, under her breath, in the exact we're-both-knowing-the-same-thing tone she'd use if I mentioned how perfectly sexy Johnny Depp is or said a perfect joke we both know and love. See, she and I know what "work" I really am looking forward to, work I started in on the moment my daughter was born but only get better at and enjoy more (with a few decidedly horrific "off" days, hee hee). My last six years and my future stretch out in a continuum of priorities and newness and love and learning and gratitude that just seems to bloom more and more and give me more energy than any previous endeavors.

It is funny sometimes finding out who I am, as I grow. I'm always a little surprised to find I'm not who people told me I was.

Labels: goodness, Grazdma, newness, school

I wish I'd had a camera this morning. It was pretty blissful to hang out with two four year olds to do all our Thanksgiving shopping. Well, technically Nels and my friend's child E. are 3 1/2 and 4 1/2, resp. but you get the idea. While Sophie was in school the two younguns and I avoided Wednesday crowds and got our action on.

So my Thanksgiving menu is as follows:

Turkey
Dressing
Carrots w/butter
Green beans
Mashed potatoes
Gravy?? If I can figure out how to make it!
Candied yams w/homemade marshmallows
Waldorf salad
Cranberry sauce (I made last night)
2 dozen yeast rolls (awesome recipe featured in November's zine)
Deviled eggs w/pretzels, pickles and olives (half-assed appetizer I suppose)
Pumpkin pie (made up and froze the other day)
Bread pudding
Apple pie

Today this involved the following groceries:
Bread for stuffing
1 gallon organic milk
Canola oil
2 dozen brown organic eggs
One huge-ass free-range turkey
2 lbs. butter
Chicken bullion (sp?)
Karo corn syrup (OMG... this list is looking so evil!)
Can pumpkin
Can black olives
Whipping cream
2 quarts organic chicken broth
Total = $73

Then we hit Jay's where I bought the produce:
5 lbs. apples (macintosh for the waldorf salad, granny for the apple pie)
4 lbs. carrots
10 lbs. potatoes
3 lemons
1 head celery
1 large bunch seedless grapes
1 lb. tofu
Total = $17

And finally, a few bakery items from The Marketplace:
3 lbs. light rye flour
1 lb. semisweet miniature chocolate chips
25 lbs. bread flour
Total = $18

So - $108 for the whole shebang (9 people to be fed). This doesn't include the ingredients I asked my guests to bring: 1 cup dried cherries, 2 cups whole pecans, 1 lb. coffee, 2 lbs. butter (yes - two more pounds than what I bought), 1/2 and 1/2, 3 lbs. yams, pretzel sticks, 5 bottles sparkling cider, and beer (volunteered by a guest). My sister donated $50 to the effort which I took out in Portland Aveda trade (um, I think I'm as excited to see Aveda as I am to have company over!). So - it's a feast, and thanks to help from the guests, it's easier on my budget.

Also on my list:
Shampoo the carpet (Ralph)
Clean the bathroom even though it's always clean
Wash bedding at two houses
Steal from mom's house: roasting pan and rack (make sure turkey fits), muffin tins, stoneware baking pan
Finish holiday mix tapes

And that's about it, really! Plus I'm making T-day lunch for Sophie's kindergarten class tomorrow. And stapling and distributing the zine. And working out at the Y daily.

Today at 11 AM while I waited outside for the library to open - Nels in a monkey hoodie and E. borrowing the pink kitty hat - the kids climbed all over the railing in front of the entrance doors. Those two absolutely love one another, being kindred spirits of mischievousness. As I watched them a man next to me, scruffy and anonymous (there were three such men waiting with me) said, "I don't know if I should feel bad." I asked what he meant and he told me he'd been feeling the dogs at the pound (a kennel outdoors by the police station and next to the local grocery store) and a rott puppy had squeezed out of his slot and was running "free" in with the other dogs. I told him not to feel bad. I asked him what he'd been feeding them. "Cookies," he replied. (!)

The things I like about holidays: the food, the people.

Labels: food geekery, goodness, grocery opus, holidays

A few days ago I read about Youssif, an Iraqi boy who was doused with gasoline and set on fire my masked attackers. I repeat, some full grown men threw gasoline on a child and lit this child on fire. CNN aired the story and viewers responded, wanting to help in some way. Two days later the Children's Burn Foundation (great cause; assy-looking website) set up a portal to donate to Youssif's care. He and his family will be flown to their group in California for both physical and psychological care.

Yesterday I only donated $10. I know that isn't much. But maybe someone who reads my blog will donate, too. I have kept this blog over three years and I've never done a plug for a donation. For me, it wasn't Youssif's scars that pained me to see - scars that are quite severe (the picture of his head entirely encased in bandages seemed worse to me). It was his mother's description of the change in his personality after the crime. I couldn't get that thought out of my mind, a beautiful and happy child who'd turned into a sullen and sensitive child.

I believe we should try to be a force for good. If we stop giving, if we stop listening to the suffering and the needs of others, I believe we are a force for evil. It isn't important how we help, it's important we keep ourselves open to helping.

Labels: goodness