the circus has not left town

Today I was trying to think of a way to do a weighted list for the front page of my zine (I am biting my tongue to keep from further discussing this publication right now). And I had another in a string of sad, disappointing realizations about my current reality. See when I used to work outside the home I could actually decide to figure some technical project like this out and have the time to do it in a linear troubleshooting fashion. Sure, maybe I didn’t get the whole 30 minutes straight to mess about formatting something on the computer (although that was usually easy enough to arrange) but at least if I started it and was called away no one got on my workstation and messed with it or opened an IM client or shoved a CD in the drive or dragged the kitten’s ass across my desk. I can’t count on any of these things not happening – or even something worse (Nels darted across the street today before Ralph could stop him; later exploits in the day included handling the dirty kitty litter box into the cat’s water dish; there’s more, I’ll stop now). I have a lot of control over my schedule (as the House Boss) but very, very little over how much peace, decency vs. chaos or drama ensues from my two semi-retarded simian coworkers.

Yesterday a friend told me that “if someone didn’t know [me] better, they’d think they needed to call CPS on [me]!” alluding to, I think, the darkness of my writings and my unedited Mama sentiments. I just want to point out I’m perfectly capable of warm and fuzzy feelings and I post those often. I’m actually slightly too bummed out and overwhelmed to list a few other things that suck that are going on. For now it’s getting by day to day, enjoying the little things (Sophie found a snake on the trail today and dedicated it to me; I visited my mom who’s sick and made her tea), and trying to ask Ralph for what I need (and hoping he can help provide it).

Today I am planning on making bagels for dinner and cleaning the kitchen whilst listening to my first-ever audiobook (Rex Pickett’s Sideways). If I can’t get a full day off I can at least get an hour or so plugged into an iPod while I do chores.

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