Last night my daughter was escorted home by a policeman. Officer Cody, I believe. Why? Well, some “well-meaning” person called when he/she saw her walking down Riverside – this would have been about 7:30 PM. She was on her way home from the YMCA; after her swim team practice she wanted to swim swim swim some more. I asked if she wanted to stay longer and ride the bus home; she said yes. She asked me to stack four quarters in her locker and she told me where her locker was, then ran off to swim swim swim some more.
The bus system here? Not so much. Not so great. After my daughter finished her swim, dressed, and walked to the bus stop she waited. And waited, waited, and waited; and finally began walking home (it’s about a 1 3/4 mile walk). She was fine with all this; so am I really (I am sad about our bus system which has very long delays, ugh). Sophie always has bus and phone-fare with her (no cell phone – I want her to learn how to think instead of calling me over every little thing and Hey, about that safety stuff? All those teens walking around crossing streets with their heads down as they text? No Fanks). Officer Cody, after getting the call about this little girl walking at all hours of the night, or whatever, found her, parked, walked over to the sidewalk, and asked if she needed a ride. “Sure!” she said. A few minutes later she was home and we received the officer, assured him we knew where she was, and thanked him for his kindness. He said something like, “We just like to know parents know where their kids are – you know, with all the goings on in McCleary.”
Right. You mean all the people around here extra-keyed up about child abduction – although they hardly need a local event for that sort of hysteria, given our media prods the kidnapped (and/or murdered) child meme with more grotesque exploitation than a Girls Gone Wild video series.
I’m tired of arguing statistics in my head whenever someone writes our local paper and says you cannot leave a child unattended for ninety seconds (no really, this happened a couple months ago), or I read in Dear Abby’s advice column the tactic of giving your kids a walkie-talkie to use any time they enter the public bathroom (dear reader, just sit for a while. Think on that one for a few moments. It is truly breathtaking) and taking a picture of them each time you shop because they may be snatched – and that way you have an up-to-date photo (I wish I was making this up!). I’m tired of pointing out that the odds are greater for lightening strike, that there are four million children in America – and about a hundred are abducted by strangers each year. I’m tired of pointing out crimes rates against children have gone down since the seventies and eighties: if you feel you had a “safe” childhood but today it’s “different”, well, you’re correct – in terms of crime it’s actually safer for your child today than it was for yourself. I’m tired of putting down the media and the “CSI” television shows (one show is all about rape! Wheee!) and the graphic portrayals of child torture and molestation – some of our worst fears exploited cruelly for ratings. I’m tired of pointing out there is no age restriction on unsupervised kids in this state (and only two states have that in effect) to the many, many who think there are. I’m tired of asking people, “Hey, do you know how long you’d have to leave your kid outside out of supervision if you wanted them abducted?”* and how the person I’m talking to doesn’t care (ever!), because that person wants to believe the world is scary and that I should do this or that to prevent bad things happening to my kids- whom they think they care more about than I do (P.S. at the point you’re believing that, you’re an asshole, see the end of my post for more information).
No. Because those who want to be fearful do not want to hear facts, or maybe my facts seem suspect but television’s seem real (!!!). All I can tell you is: I’m not trying to sell you anything, or titillate you, or even convince you to parent the way I do. I just want to be allowed to continue my way.
And I would, really, like to address this Good Samaritan, or more specifically the kind of person I imagine might have called in – or perhaps the people who watch or read here or see my kids go out and about and think, “I would never let my kid do that.” Because even though the anonymous call-ins cause some trouble for me, I’m trying to hold some goodwill, and I’d like to share my own thoughts, since you voiced your opinions on my choices. And if in any way I could help anyone think a bit differently about our Children and Danger and ZOMG it’s a Scary Place Out There! I will feel I have done something good today.
I find the “I will do whatever it takes to keep my child safe” mentality is actually rather common in my (white, middle-class, American) sphere; few parents rise to overcome the fears and hurts buried deep and disguised with “I care so much I will always err on the ‘safe’ side” – which feels so good to say, and it feels so good to believe you can keep your child safe from Life or the horrid, horrid things that sometimes happen to Innocents. Few parents do the hard work of examining the harmful effects of this type of parenting – which can last a lifetime for children – and making sensible changes. Few parents think about the logical extensions for that sort of thought process, which (though humorous) make our desire for Security and Control so painfully self-evident and to me betray that in so many ways, so many parents haven’t really grown up after all. Most parents do what the herd does; if they hear you can’t let a kid unsupervised until twelve they believe that’s true, believe that law makes sense because it’s a law (oops! it’s not), and decide to follow it. After all, this means they don’t have to think too hard and it fosters the [false] belief that if they follow the rules their children will remain safe.
And these parents? I do not call them names nor point to their children – unable to bicycle or walk to the kinds of things they’d love to go do, passive to the point of boredom and constantly needing sheep-dog parenting, unequipped to handle money or catch a bus or do much besides crave video games and television and entertainment – living a curious life devoid of the joy that is innate in almost every child fed and loved and allowed to grow freely; later in life, adults and oddly afraid to take risks, entitled and bored and feeling the world owes them entertainment and a living, not understanding how they are buried in student loans with no idea what they want to do with their life, feeling a nameless dread and anxiety about going out into the world – with scorn. I really don’t. I feel compassion and I invite these children, young and adult, into my life. Regularly.
Because I understand, I really do, why their parents raise(d) them this way (and by the way, I’ve been that adult child described above).
Back on point, and hopefully to demonstrate how much I get it: I understand you love your kids. Or if you’re child-free, you think people should take “proper” care of their kids. For the moment you believe I don’t love mine or I’m not properly caring for them, but let’s put that aside for now. Because I really do think I understand you, if you don’t yet understand me.
I understand how comforting it is to believe that because you do not allow your child to walk to the corner store or go anywhere alone you are assuring their safety. I understand how nice it must be to believe, driving in your mini-van to their scheduled activities, that there are naive and irresponsible parents (hi!) and those are the people who bad things happen to (and they kind of deserve it, even if their precious children don’t!) and that these things won’t happen to you and your kids because you are a parent smart enough to care and precisely avoid risks – even though, of course, but it bears mention, being the passenger in a car is the number one killer of children.**
I want to take a minute to remind you that you are operating from a position of privilege in this regard. Since you are parenting basically according to a publicized mainstream, your many “safe” choices (like the driving, and teaching kids that danger comes from menacing strangers, while Oops! avoiding the unpleasant likelihood it’s more likely their babysitter, or your brother or father or neighbor, who might for instance molest your child, and the very act of teaching children to always “wait for a grown-up to help you” repeated over the years puts them in the position of always deferring to “trusted” grown-ups who are pretty free to betray that trust) will not be constantly vilified or called into question. If you teach kids, “Don’t let anyone touch your privates, EVAR!” many adults will sagely nod that is the Right Thing To Hammer Home and you Can’t Say It Enough. I mean, nevermind the uncomfortable reality that kids’ privates are theirs, really, just like the rest of them and soon enough they’ll actually want someone to touch them in the crotchal regions, and feeling a lot of shame about how PRIVATES are a source of secrecy and a coveted prize for hordes of perverts such that anyone who wants them is a Big Scary Creep and under no circumstances until marriage should anyone have access – even when you want them to, and um, how should I figure out when that is OK? – might be a bit confusing when they start thinking about their own sexual agency, because I hate to tell you this but when people feel shame and secrecy around sex they get up to all kinds of trouble, Oops! again. My point – at least in this paragraph – is you operate from privilege; you get to parent in such ways that the majority of our public social sphere will tell you that you are Right and Good to take these (over-)precautions, and that is a big factor that’s allowing you to operate daily without too much stress in these regards – or less stress than if you choose to do things differently – and may be influencing you in a way that’s really not best for you or your kids, because if your ideals aren’t called into question much then you don’t need to examine them and take the risk and do the work of painful change (a process that can be called “maturity”).
And even though I do not agree that the deep dread of danger and hurt at how shitty the world can be should be an organizing principle in the amazing, wonderful privilege of stewarding and raising our children – who are so goddamned precious, they really fucking are – I also understand how, in today’s culture and social climate, that organizing principle is so tempting for so, so many. And I imagine it must be nice to never or rarely have your “just in case!” overprotective parenting choices called into question for their very real effects: the risk of depression in teens and young adults, for instance, who haven’t experienced enough freedom and autonomy, or kids who run into trouble using drugs because they can’t feel joy in life otherwise, or girls who turn into women who are doormats, because we’ve authoritatively douched up so many of their choices (see: PRIVATES, above), or girls who are told they’re too Bossy to be Liked, so they lose their authenticity and their willingness to take risks because Mom or Dad told them being Liked is so very, very important, or boys who grow into date rapists because they learn the world is organized into Creeps and Those Who Weren’t Wily Enough To Avoid Being Victimized, the latter blamed so often for their own victimization. At times I envy your position in that you will never have the police called, or television programs constantly yammering on and on about what a bad or stupid parent you must be for being so “safe” and so caring in raising your children according to these principles. (I do not envy your position that you own and watch television, however; my life is far better without.)
It also must feel nice to be so safe (a privilege I share): let’s face it, as a white middle-class American (as I imagine the majority of my readers are) things are pretty good for your kids. Why not jump into the assumption that things are or should be perfectly safe and that you must stamp out even the smallest risk to make life easier and more comfortable? You know, for your kids. Like a friend who told me, “I want her to take risks, but while I’m watching her.” (Pssst! Those aren’t really “risks”! Sorry!)
I understand it’s too hard for some of you (childfree or no) to be a “village” for kids. Here is how I see your thought process: kids are scary and confusing for many of us, since we were raised rather segregated and aren’t used to them. Some kids behave badly, and they’re just Shits and someone (else!) should deal with that. Even “good” kids are unpredictable and seem kind of fragile (whisper-P.S.: they’re not, especially when they’re allowed the process of Growing!) and impulsive and they need to be controlled and corralled. They should also be protected at all costs, because protecting them is right, even if they never learn how to walk or fly or be strong or protect themselves or advocate for their own needs. The “Good Samaritan” who sees my kid walking does not want to do the work of pulling over, heralding the child herself, and asking if the child needs help. No, it is far easier to pick up the phone and dial a simple number, report the incident to the police. The authorities will surely straighten it out; the “Good Samaritan” can go her way feeling she did what she should (and she’s a good person!), and maybe she will believe there are so many crazy, irresponsible parents (hi again!), and someone should be sorting that all out, even though she’s too unsure how to do anything much of all. So in a way, Samaritan, you are wailing and gnashing your teeth and “What about the CHILDREN?!”-ing, but you yourself display a terror and lack of competence and experience that is truly profound (although I’m sad to say, common); I would be happy to share my thoughts with you on how you might be more helpful, effective, relaxed, and joyous, if you’re interested. (You’re probably not.)
Let me point out: this is only how I imagine you, Samaritan, to be, based on previous experience and accounts of these actions from strangers. Please correct me if I’m wrong.
Now, I’ve probably lost you a bit. You probably don’t like the way I’m characterizing your actions. Let’s see if we can agree on one point at least:
I understand that the Monster, the hideous most terrible thought of Pedophile & Child Killer, is horrid. He’s so despicable most of us wish he wasn’t real; most of us would do anything not so much to protect ourselves but to Eliminate The Possibility It Will Ever Happen To Me Or Anyone I Know And I Won’t Have To Admit Life Can Be Awful. I understand your revulsion and I share it. When I think about someone hurting my kids or holding my kids against their will I get crazy-stabby and I feel like I could kill, not just feel anger but really really imagine myself a murderess (weirdly, the closest I’ve yet come to having my children removed has been calls by strangers to the authorities re: my kids’ “safety”). I am not immune to this fear; some nights it grips my chest in an icy hold as I lie next to my sweetly sleeping child. I know the thought of such a being – this monster – is so scary that it is tempting to live a life according to his spectre in the desperate hope we and our loved ones could avoid pain because (despite what Dalton says), pain hurts.
The difference between you and I… well, I don’t live as if the monster is hunkered behind every bush, because that would do my kids a great disservice, a lifetime of disservice, which I could go on further at length (but won’t, for now). I do the hard work of paying attention to my kids and giving them every freedom possible when they’re ready even if I don’t feel I’m completely ready. Oh, and I really do know when they’re ready – more than you do, Stranger.
Others have said all the above many times, and better than I can; somehow the topic wears me out, but nevertheless I try to communicate it.
Oh, and let me remind you, I really do love my children. So much more than you care about them. Just in case you were, you know, completely and willfully ignorant.
Last night a few hours after Sophie got home she lay next to me sleeping and her hand found mine while she slumbered. She threw her arm, then a leg over my body and sighed in her sleep; she seemed troubled, although she’d had a happy and active day. I rubbed her back and whispered, “I’m here, it’s OK…” and I felt tears in my eyes, because every day my children astound me. Because Yes They Can, they can do so very much, and they can be competent and strong and live with a deep happiness that is a privilege and a joy to behold.
At least in her sleep last night she was clingy and wanted me; when she’s like this, I hold her when I can.
And when she wants to fly, I let her.
* 750,000 years. No, really.
** No, really.
I agree on so many levels. I hope I have the courage to parent without constant fear once my baby is old enough to play outside. By herself. Barefoot.
Well said.
I hope that when I (finally) have kids, I can be as strong a parent.
Stunning post. It saddens me that so many fail to see this, with regards to our children. I do however, feel that further work and examination needs to be done to ensure that we don’t send mixed messages (like those you wrote about regarding sex, brilliant btw) that will further ensure not only our children’s dignity, freedom, but safety also. For instance, you mentioned the walkie talkie suggestion for public restrooms, and as wacky as that sounds, I do think we need to address the whole public restroom thing as a society. My son has expressed his dismay and discomfort time and time again, being in a room with strange men who are handling their genitals, nor does he want to do the same around them. As a parent, I have to respect and listen to his feelings about this. Isn’t there a better way we could address this? For instance, why can’t men pee is stalls like women? Seriously, it’s weird. Also, why are there no shower curtains or shower stalls in the YMCA mens’ locker room, but there are in the womens’? And per the rules at our YMCA, my son was no longer welcome in the womens’ locker room past age 5. And those family bathrooms? Sure, if you can get the one that’s available. All I’m saying is, there are times that children are truly put into confusing situations that they are not comfortable with and we should be doing more to come up with solutions, to ensure our children’s independence and dignity.
As for those good samaratain phone calls, yeah, those are fun. As unschoolers, my kids walk to the town library and have since they were little (a 1/2 mile walk) and every so often I still get calls about “did I know my child was not in school?” or some such bs.
One of the other areas that this safety obsession extends to is in regards to kids and the media or technology. The frustration this causes my two kids (almost 11 and 13) is very difficult to witness at times. So many of their peers are still not allowed to have email or watch anything beyond a G-rated movie, so it limiting (and isolating) to say the least.
Great piece! I look forward to reading more!
Thumbs up, and congrats on the FRK shoutout!
What a wonderful post! (Found you through @FreeRangeKids on Twitter.) Couldn’t agree MORE. :o)
I have goosebumps because I feel this so strongly. I, too, hope and intend to have the courage to do this throughout the rest of my child(ren)’s life. I appreciate and value greatly the encouragement and solidarity in FRK numbers. Even though we’ve never actually met, I think of you often and my convictions are re-inspired on, often, a daily basis because of you. Thank you! My sphere is richer and easier because of you Hogabooms.
Really well written. Thank you!
I LOVE this post and what it represents. I was too sheltered growing up and I so want to give my kids the resources to handle life instead of avoid it. Thanks so much for this!!
Thank you for the comments, all. Thanks to Lenore’s tweet I have a few people here who haven’t visited before. So: Hi!
I really do think I’ve had to learn to be both brave and strong, for the sake of my kids and myself. If you think it comes naturally to me not to be paranoid – well, yes and no. The pressures to parent in a highly defensive/protective manner – in this country anyway – cannot be overstated. I’m still learning and I don’t pretend to have all the answers… I could write a much longer post about the many things I’ve changed my mind about over my (so far) eight years of parenting.
That said, if you read about my kids on my blog you’ll see my kids are doing pretty danged awesome, being allowed to be kids.
Amy; it sounds like your son isn’t so much scared of “strange men” assaulting him in bathrooms (and thus needs a walkie-talkie) but is feeling shy. This reminds me of this summer when we went to Portland and stayed in a hostel… my son and I were on this tiny bunkbed together and all night this fella across the room got up and down out of bed, going to the bathroom – in his underwear (prostate problems?). It was like having a Grandpa in the room with us! And reminded me that we’re not really raised being used to being around one another in a “family” environment.
Don’t get me started on the family bathroom stuff. Cramped, ONE bench (so your stuff falls on the floor, which is wet and loaded with mud and staph infection or whatever!) and then when we spill out in the hallway to put our shoes on we get the occasional glare. In fact, our culture likes to be angry at people for taking up TOO MUCH SPACE. And that’s me, with my little ‘uns, for now.
Laura, I think about parents with young babies, or back when I had a baby. Pigtail is so very young… and infants do need their every need being met by us – at first. This may not make sense but the thing that seems to help build an autonomous, strong kid, is more love and nursing and carrying and loving-up on that baby. It’s like… be there for the kid every time they want you to and you can, and step out of their way every time they want you to and you can.
Thanks for the feedback, all!
thanks!
I really enjoyed this post. It’s weird how people don’t get that kids are real, alive, human, and think they should be constantly watched, segregated from the rest of society and grouped by age alone.
I do live in a very over protective town, and it’s weird to see how much it bothers me even now when Boots is still pretty young. He doesn’t do that much stuff on his own in town, but if we try it he is watched, followed, “helped”. I sent him to get yogurt at the grocery store (I was never more than thirty feet away, though I couldn’t see him most of the time) and he had an escort the whole time, even though I didn’t think he needed one (or I assume it was the whole time since I saw the grocery clerk follow him, could hear them talking, and saw him follow Boots until he delivered the yogurt to me).
I don’t know how this will play out for us yet. And I am not as comfortable as you are with it, though I agree in principle (which just means I am working my way toward my destination, as usual). My kid gets a lot of freedom around our house, but not a lot in town or in the city. And so far almost every attempt on our part for him to have some autonomy, no matter how small, has been thwarted. But he’s getting bigger and older, and all of that should help a little with the “responsible adults” who try to “help” him every little second.
I have instructed him, for now, to say “stranger danger” to people who try to intervene and help when he doesn’t need it (just to get them to back off in their nicey nice ways). I think it might help the person back off and be in the realm of their understanding. Boots just thinks it’s funny, but we will see how it works in practice. We certainly don’t do the stranger-danger thing for real. It seems more efficient, for now, than having him explain and having them not listen and having me explain it and having them not understand. I could be very wrong about this. BUt it’s funny, and I like funny.
Same topic, related issues.
For me it is easier to see when something less important than kids is involved.
I remember my first trip to Ireland,(1980s)..young girls were hitchhiking without fear, and there were piles of bikes left all day at schoolbus stops. Honesty was expected. Other than the “troubles” in No. Ireland, there was very little day to day crime in the country.
I remember when, in this country, if you saw something, valuable or not, lying around and it didn’t belong to you, you just didn’t touch it. Honesty was expected. It seems today that dishonesty is expected…the kid who leaves his bike lying on the sidewalk can expect that someone will take it. So we all go along locking our stuff up to keep it safe. And so, I think, then the person who steals, somehow, feels justified. The thought is, if someone is careless and leaves a valuable unguarded, he/she somehow “deserves” to lose it. Or that if something is left unguarded and you take it, it somehow isn’t really stealing.
Extrapolate to our kids and the CSI mentality, it would seem we are being told that if we don’t keep our kids guarded we should expect that they will be stolen, harmed, whatever, and that if they are it is our fault.
There are no easy answers. I never used to lock my doors…I figured that if the “bad guys” and the supposed value of my belongings made me live in fear and so I caused myself the hassle of dealing with a locked door several times a day, then fear had already won. But then there was a murder across the street in my fairly nice neighborhood and I realized I wasn’t just protecting a TV and stereo.
So now I mostly lock my doors…sometimes.
This is a little “stream of consciousnessy” but perhaps the big problem with the murder/child abduction/sex crime hype is that it establishes a new “norm” in out culture. If we all go around expecting the worst, then that somehow justifies the worst behavior,
That all said. in response to the initiating incident with Sophie, let’s remember the saying (and for me a belief) “it takes a village to raise a child.” We need our neighbors to watch out for, interact with, and protect our kids. It would be downright naive to think they are all going to do it in the same way we each would. The good samaritan who called the police had Sophie’s interest at heart. If he/she was driving, he/she expected that Sophie had been taught not to accept a ride from a stranger, so deferred to the police.He/she had no way to know that Sophie was close to home. What his/her thoughts about Sophies parents were, we don’t know. Sophie’s “plight” was referred to the “proper authority” and it became the provenance of the police.
Now if the police overreacted, then Kelly has a real problem…the “professionals”, the police should be able to judge that Sophie was competent,not lost, home was near, parents were aware, all that.
As for an age limit, there is no reason to think that a 12 yr. old is any safer than an 11 year old. And a child’s parents are the best to judge what their child is mature enough to handle.
And there is absolutely no way that we can teach our kids everything they may need to know…but letting them problem solve along the way is a good way to teach them how to figure out what they need to learn.
Kelly, I appreciate that you’ve visited the infant scene, too. Yes! to the fulfilling their every needs and being there as immediately as possible when they call while they’re young – or whenever it’s needed even after they’re young. My little bean is still less than 2, but is completely happy playing by herself for tens and tens of minutes on end in a different room in our house without coming to find me and check in to make sure I’m still here, as has done for almost a year now – which does not seem to be the case among her peers, as far as I hear from their mommas. I attribute this both to her personality as well as the serious amounts of time and energy me and her papa spend/t holding, wearing, interacting with, and just general being there immediately for her throughout her short life. I don’t think we put her down, literally, except for changing a diaper, in the first nine days of her life. Give her the security base and she’ll roam free and wide, knowing that we’re here and will be there for her when she needs and wants.
The amount of opinion I’ve encountered, from parents and non-parents alike, for our choices to date is downright amazing and overwhelming. (Though let it be known that the opinion received is usually not from my contemporaries who are currently parents of young children.) I understand that the barrage of opinion from others about how one should be raising one’s child doesn’t seem to end with the child’s age – at least not the first few decades of age at any rate. But, especially for the first year and with regularity since then, I have felt the need to be a steely wall against the opinions of others, which sometimes I weather better than other times – about whether or not to sleep with the babe, nurse for as long as the babe wants/needs and only ween when the babe’s ready, what to eat and when – all of these things – but most especially this seemingly pervasive opinion that infants and children should only take 10 minutes to put to sleep at night and then never wake up during the night. (I thought Dr. Spock’s philosophy went the way of the dodo a few decades ago, no? Resurgence here we come.) As if learning to be alone and put oneself to sleep isn’t a learned behavior. Or as if it’s perfectly reasonable to ‘break’ a kid into learning to sleep by having them cry themselves to sleep before they eat solid food. Or ever. (While I have dear friends, whom I consider wonderful parents, who have certainly chosen that path, and I do not think that I judge their decision, I often cannot fully understand the choosing of it.)
“I could write a much longer post about the many things I’ve changed my mind about over my (so far) eight years of parenting.”
If you ever feel up to writing that, I’d love to read it. Lately I seem to be having my first turnarounds in what I thought to be unshakable beliefs. It’s interesting to hear about others’ too.
Paige – you got it. & I want to hear yours!
Patti, who wrote:
The thought is, if someone is careless and leaves a valuable unguarded, he/she somehow “deserves” to lose it. Or that if something is left unguarded and you take it, it somehow isn’t really stealing. Extrapolate to our kids and the CSI mentality, it would seem we are being told that if we don’t keep our kids guarded we should expect that they will be stolen, harmed, whatever, and that if they are it is our fault.
I agree with this! (see: Rape Apologism, another subject very interesting to me).
@ s*:
Give her the security base and she’ll roam free and wide, knowing that we’re here and will be there for her when she needs and wants.
When I had infants (6 – 8 years ago) there was a lot of talk and controversy re: how one shouldn’t “spoil” a baby and how if you don’t make them sleep or train them they’ll never sleep well and how if you’re a parent who lets your infant be clingy (holy shite! It’s an INFANT, people!) then your kid will stay clingy their whole life. And while you can find lots of impassioned arguments about this on the internet, let me just offer you my one solid data point:
The Hogaboom kids were “spoiled”. Nursed for years, cuddled and carried, and they still sleep with us most nights. They are the two most independent and competent kids I know. Sophie flew on a plane a few months ago and gets our groceries and bikes everywhere and manages her own swim team schedule; and as I type this Nels is using power tools to make himself toys.
Kids who are clingy and dependent are kids not getting their core needs met; meet those needs and most kids will bloom like a flower, able to clearly know and articulate when they do need you (so you don’t have to guess).
I could write tons about babies and what I did right and what I did wrong… maybe I will some time.
Kelly, I firmly believe with my whole entire being and all the woo-woo energy that touches me that the attachment parenting style is the way to go. The whole of everything I’ve got. Completely. Raised eyebrows and comments to the otherwise (“you’re still sleeping with your child, etc etc? huh.”) are the things I feel the need to steel myself against. Yet even through the believing in attachment parenting, or whatever you want to call it, to my very core, every once in a while I find myself questioning, “Should we have forced her to learn to sleep?”, or whatever. And *this*, this is when I think of your and your “spoiling” and self-possessed children. And also of my self-possessed and “spoiled” (rather, nurtured) self as a young child – but it’s very helpful to have reinforcement from the outside, as memories of myself and my supportive childhood are of course subjective. Though that doesn’t make them any less true, I suppose.
Also, Patti, yes. Thank you for voicing aloud that ridiculous thought that we as a society and even as individuals often seem to have internalized. And how very insidious and logical that it seeps into our thoughts about our children.
Continually rejecting the fear of scary things happening to our children, or of the idea that if we don’t lock everything down that we love and hold dear, whether it’s material objects or otherwise, is akin to the constant fight against entropy.
YES! YES! YES!
Statistically speaking, if you wanted to keep your child safe from molestation, you shouldn’t let your child be alone with their father. Chew on that one.
-Proud mother of a free-range child.
Azucar – well-done! 🙂
Shelley: my kids get “help” (that they don’t need) often. I usually say, “Thank you,” when I’m around when it happens, or sometimes, “Thank you – but she really doesn’t need any help”. (rare)
It’s cool when grownups help kids (yes, including calling the cops, altho’ perhaps my aunt Patti [above], having parented so many years ago, is not privy to the very toxic and vicious nature some of today’s “helpers” can have, and how quickly with the dial of their (now cell) phones they can make themselves a pain in the ass – read the FRK blog if you’d like to see examples of the Haters) and it seems there are two forms of “help” – the genuine, helpy kind of people (yay!) and those who do it huffy and judgy because someone SHOULD be helping this kid but I’m pissy it’s me! Never thinking that maybe the parents are being Mama Duck and allowing the kids to learn a life skill.
Case in point: when my daughter was first buying our groceries she would come home with change that didn’t make sense – because most of the time as she pulled out her money some kind-hearted soul (customer or cashier) would whip out change to “help” her (one time a cashier whipped out $1.17 towards a $3 purchase, which meant my daughter came back with way more candy than made sense; the cashier “should” have told her she didn’t have enough money so she’d have to do a little better; however I made her go back in with the $1.17 and that took so long I notice she is more careful with her math now). ANYway… for a while I was like, heck, is my kid going to learn how to use money if she’s always getting bailed out? But… heck, I can’t help it if people help my kids, so whatever. I have definitely not forbade them to accept help, because that doesn’t make sense!
Shelley, Boots is still a little guy and we’ve talked about where you live and the different culture there; I know as he gets older people will back off more. You and Will do a great job in believing in Boots and that’s the most important thing.