So, back in the day before I had family business and young kids to attend to I liked watching movies. Or rather, I like them still, but I used to watch more movies than I currently do. I’d thought for a while it was sad my lifestyle was one that the consumption of film had become so limited; or rather, that if I chose to consume movies like I used to, I’d never get the house tidied or the kids loved-up or the husband attended to, or whatever.
So what’s up this last day or two, I’ve been sick and what’s hardest about this is accepting lots of downtime. I’m not very sick, but I do have a sore, congested throat that teeters on healing in direct proportion to the amount I slow down to heal. So I’ve been laying low as much as possible since Thursday night when after my bellydancing class I first felt the hot, tingly pain in my tonsil regions (which have given me occasional trouble since childhood).
I talked to a friend a couple weeks ago who said he had a total intolerance and lack of compassion towards those who are sick. I found his self-knowledge commendable but his attitudes very common and sad for lack of conscious change; many people I know can’t stand illness as it is a sign of “weakness” and weakness is, I suppose, a bad thing. This is a Suck attitude to have because sooner or later we do have weakness and it becomes tremendously distracting and accompanied with self-judgment and a bunch of other horseshit. I am a good nurse to those who are sick, and I know illness is part of the inevitability of a life naturally lived. As for application to my personal being, I think it was in Stephen Levine’s Buddhist non-fiction work Who Dies? I read – to paraphrase – that illness and temporary disability provide us ways to practice patience and most of all presence even when things we take for granted fall away from us. (The book was a good one; yet I had to slam it shut on the chapter regarding the death of small children – there’s only so much I can handle for my evening reading.)
So today while the kids entertained themselves and Ralph took me out for a lovely lunch and a hot toddy, I had my hand precisely on the handle of the ladies’ restroom door when I realized that I was truly going to devote myself to the helplessness of being ill. This means resting today, and not feeling terrible about myself for cooking and cleaning less or – for some reason this really bothers me – not sewing. I’d be well soon enough. Wait. Patience. And it’s hard, as I am someone who likes my work.
In my ass-time over the weekend I’ve taken the opportunity to watch a few extremely worthwhile documentaries*: Stranded: I’ve Come From a Plane That Crashed on the Mountains (2007), P.O.V.: A Family Undertaking (2004), and Very Young Girls (2007) (all these titles are available on Netflix instant view). It’s funny, these documentaries – as well as the aforementioned Deliver Us From Evil I watched a few days ago – are about some upsetting subjects and should be all bleak and depressing. Instead I found myself just amazed – amazed at people and how incredible they can be. And I don’t mean this in some sort of generalized Precious Moments way, I mean I watched specific people and wanted to find them or email them or touch them on the shoulder and say, “Wow, thank you for sharing your story. You are amazing.” (This is also a testimony to the filmmaker’s skills).
So perhaps I will take watching difficult documentaries more often, rather than my typical B-movie fare. It isn’t seeming to upset or shorten my life any further.
And yes, despite all this wonderful film I’m ready to get better and back up to kicking ass in the kitchen, etc.
Sophie writes me an email today:
“just so you know, i want to live on a farm out in the country with lots of animals and chickens with roosters.
please!”
So, there’s that.
* And some rather so-so television programs.
I’m sick too. Like, sicker than I thought. And instead of staying home from work today, I’m here and coughing and hoping that I can contain it while we see patients. And then I’m going home. Because I can hardly stay upright.
You feel better.
I SO relate to the intolerance of illness, disability, etc… nomatter how temporary. I grew up with a mother who is disgusted by any kind of weakness and pushed me to never embrace anything that was considered a weakness or “fault”. Also, there’s the whole other layer of truly righteous people apparently never getting sick or being faith healed, so that’s been fun to grow up in. 😉
I hope you feel better soon.
@K8: Reading your blog you sound UGH-sick. I hope you are better soon.
@Jasie: So… when people NEVER get sick because God is their medic, what happens when they get ill and die in old age? Is it like he’s saying, “Time’s up, asshole” or did He just get too busy to look after them or what?
And yet I kid faith-based medicine, because srsly, it is not any crazier or more faith-based than any OTHER kind of medicine.
And on that note, I have an appt. with an ND this week and if she tells me to give up sugar or caffeine I’m going to laugh loudly and harshly (and refuse).
this whole body falling apart thing thanks to the mcs and fibromyalgia these last few years has been a really interesting experience when i allow myself to step outside how i am interacting w/ my disability vs. how i probably should be – the level of intolerence i have at times shown myself is quite frightening and i totally think it stems from this culture’s messed-up-ness and freakish need to always be healing or curing or whatever.
when i’m able to step into a place of love for this new body it is always a pretty awesome moment/day/week whatever filled w/ acceptance and peace and all that nifty stuff – just gotta keep working on washing clean all that propaganda i’ve been fed (and am still fighting off!) – just gotta keep working the self-love.
hope you’re feeling better soon
Exactly. Time is up, asshole. That’s SO what Jesus says when he murders you through his lack of healing. 😉
@deb(bie debbie doo):
the level of intolerence i have at times shown myself is quite frightening and i totally think it stems from this culture’s messed-up-ness and freakish need to always be healing or curing or whatever.
Yes and double-yes. Our culture is TERRIBLE to the sick, the disabled. Also know that when you do this work of gratitude and self-acceptance you are stepping away from being a perpetrator to the others among us who live with disability and illness. Yay you!
@Jasie: The revengeful Jesus is how my son often sees him. I believe in Jesus and think He was totally awesome and strong and gentle and intelligent and loving, but I don’t mind imagining him getting all righteous and kicking ass. I guess I’m twisted.