It’s a common enough belief among people that when you have kids you give them little talks to fill them in on your particular family values. Yet I tend to believe as Mahatma Gandhi once said: “My life is my message.” Children pick up family values from the life lived in the family – and yes, this is for good or ill (kids also pick up values outside the family; you cannot force your children into your own worldviews). The need to be conscious about my life-as-lived is is why, in general, I don’t tend to give my kids lectures about this or that. But every now and then I initiate a direct conversation – I just try to avoid any ‘splaining about the whole business. When I choose these discussions I’ve often found asking my children how they feel and what they believe works better than telling them what they should feel or believe.
So here’s word for word what happened in the truck the other day as Sophie and I drove to pick up groceries.
Me: “Sophie, what age do you think it would be okay for you to have sex?”
Sophie: “After I get a boyfriend.”
Me: “When is that?”
Sophie: “Maybe… thirteen or fifteen.” She thinks another beat then says, “Maybe I’d wait a little longer.”
Me: “Oh so you mean, you’d start dating as a teenager, but wait to have sex?”
Sophie: “Yeah.”
Me: “You know, that’s what I did. I mean I had boyfriends and girlfriends for a while before I started having sex with any of them.”
Sophie: “Girlfriends? You’re kidding!” She looks at me in surprise.
Me: “Yes, I mean a few. I kissed them and had sex with some of them and all that. But you know, first I dated for a while before that kind of thing.”
Sophie: “Oh!” The light in her eyes and voice is just priceless. Something “fits” for her, although I’m not sure what it is.
We pull into the parking lot. My daughter unbuckles her seatbelt, leans over and puts her arms around me, strokes my hair. “Thanks for always telling us the truth, Mama,” she says softly, and kisses me so gently.
So really, there’s that.
words can barely convey how awesome these conversations are, yet you managed to convey it. Silas and I have been having lots of these conversations lately, as well. It’s been so relaxed and mellow and natural and I’m so glad.
It is wonderful. And I am glad we aren’t letting them in for huge doses of the “peer education” they might otherwise get on subjects that are difficult, socially.
Waahhooo! I say, asking kids how they feel about stuff is the best ever.
And here you get mad at yourself sometimes and think you’re not the best mother in the world. You go!
I too am a fan of honesty. That’s probably why I enjoy your writing so much. I truly hope that you wrap all of this up in a book someday.
Did you ever do the pen-pal thing when you were a kid? I bet you were like the best pen-pal ever!
I truly hope that you wrap all of this up in a book someday.
Why thank you. How flattering. I’ve written more than 500,000 words at this blog. That’s like 10 books. Going through and weeding out the best entries? Sheesh. I PITY THE FOOL who would have to do such a thing.
To answer your question, I did have a pen pal. One time when I was about 8 years old I sent her a slim little inlaid gold pen. Apparently A. the letter got mishandled and arrived damaged (and missing the pen) and B. I’d (in an effort to impress my 8 year old friend) written then pen was a “family heirloom” so the pen pal’s mother called my mother to express concern about the accident. My mom was VERY tactful in not calling me out as the little fibber I was while assuring the pen pal’s mom that the pen was no big loss.
I felt like a total asshat.
So THANKS for bringing up THAT memory!
😛
You may have touched on something there. Mr. T ain’t up to much these days I bet. Perhaps he would sort through the posts for you. Hell, I’m inclined to start reading from the beginning. If I do, I may just take notes for you and then let you decide if it’s worth printing.
Please keep in mind that I’m notorious for not following through on…well, much of anything really. Mr. T is probably your best bet. I can already imagine him promoting the book on a late night infommercial. “You gonna buy this book! HMMM!”
As for the “family heirloom”, I hope you didn’t use the Christopher Walken “watch” story.
No, this was at a tender age before I knew one could smuggle anything in one’s rectum.
Also: [ this ]. There’s a lot to like, but I’m thinking the shorts top my list.
Aye, it’s tough to find high fashion like that these days. Ahhh how I needed a good laugh. Thanks!
I love how 80’s memories come rushing back. It was a cheesy time, but I didn’t know any better, and I freely admit that I miss girls with big hair and leg-warmers.
There I go again. Just call me Tangent Man!