A few days ago Good Morning America aired a segment on Unschooling that is roundly thought by thinky people to be unfair, sensationalist, and journalistically lazy. OK, well. It is mainstream media, so what would one expect?
Rebuttals and responses popped up around the blogosphere. Lee Stranahan, filmmaker and writer, responded on Huffington Post by offering up his unschooled 18-year old son as an example, a young man who spent most of his life out of any form of traditional learning. “You can keep your theories; I have my son,” he writes; a statement that resonates strongly with me. When I read the theoretical examples of the spoiled, self-indulgent, lazy, couch potato, socially- and intellectually-backward, junkfood-devouring, abysmally-low-impulse-control wretch that is sure to result by not having the child in school (no really, people say all these things and more) it’s almost humorous when I think of the Sophie and Nels I know.
Following up Stranahan’s article, Heather at SwissArmyWife.net wrote a piece fleshing out principles that many unschoolers (or life-learners, self-directed learners, autodidactic learners, etc. etc.) live by. Concerned with the “un-” in the label unschooling, she says, “It’s important to talk about Unschooling and Life Learning in a way that is positive, that explains what we do do.” In the vein of Heather’s post, some homeschoolers and unschoolers are beginning to dislike the terms unschooling and deschooling (and their negative connotations) and instead advocate using the terms “life learning”, “self-directed learning”, or simply reclaiming the more old-fashioned term “homeschooling”.
Of course, the onus shouldn’t be on individual families to provide the perfect picture, the perfect phrasing, to therefore give the “right impression” to families who do things differently, or to those who would (sometimes loudly and visciously) criticize with no or little reflection and study. I hope those non-schooling families that worry over their self-applied labels keep this in perspective; because in talking about labels we are really talking about concepts and the mainstream reaction to them.
So on that note, really, is the discussion relating to the supposed fringe activities of a minority of families even important at all? Oh yes. Oh hell yes.
After all, it is hard for us homeschoolers to simply “go our own way” when public opinion could swing such that today’s rights become tomorrow’s threatened freedoms. Many think homeschooling is here to stay in this country, and I tend to agree. But other countries are less friendly towards home-education models, and there’s no real reason to believe things couldn’t move further in that direction in America, especially if we take our rights for granted and the mainstream hardens their hearts to us.
There is another reason we “fringe” should discuss both nomenclature and family life; because sadly, and in no small part due to the anonymity of the internet playground, dehumanizing language threatens to create enemies where there could instead flourish challenges and disagreements amidst a backdrop of united principles of human need.
Not everyone is committed to the goals of compassionate discussion. Today in the Chicago Sun Times Betsy Hart writes an article entitled, “Careful, don’t ‘Unschool’ your kids”. It’s a pretty rough read. According to her, parents who unschool are “irresponsible” and engaging in “neglect”. She claims she’s a “parent” and the people who unschool are “unparents”.
Anyone who reads here would not call me an “unparent” nor neglectful. Agree or disagree with any particular choice of mine (and, um, what’s up with that weird clause we say to one another, anyway? Which one person agrees with every thing some other person does?) if you’ve read here long you know I give a hundred and twelve good goddamns about my kids, their development, their physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual care. Yet people with Betsy’s views would paint our family with the broad brushtroke of “nuts” (yes, this is in the article too).
I am no bodhisattva. At first when I read this sort of thing I feel so much hurt and anger. Yet today instead of being pissed or writing her off or sneering at her choices I attempt a conversation. Clicking through to her blog and feedback form I write the following:
I’m so sad to read your attacks ad hominem on unschooling families. We are one of these families, although I do not use the label unschooling for reasons I won’t go into here.
My kids are normal. Their names are Sophie and Nels, and they are 8 and 6. They read voraciously (having learned on their own at a very early age) and show natural interest in science, math, just about every subject one can imagine. And yes, they practice hygiene, play with other children, are affectionate and direct and the furthest thing from self-centered I can imagine. Incidentally, they are also physically fit, advanced in math, reading, and writing, and love learning. They do not watch television all day (we don’t own a set) nor eat only chocolate donuts.
I say these things not to “prove” I am a good parent (you used the words “nuts”, “irresponsible”, and “neglect” to describe unschoolers) but to tell you to please stop making sweeping value judgments on something you know little about. I know the concepts of unschooling are new and unfamiliar to many. If you are interested in the subject, there are so many places you can go to learn more. If you are not willing to learn more, I’m not sure you should be weighing in.
The Good Morning America piece was an unfair one. If you have a moment, you might like to read this article, taken from the perspective of a more traditional homeschooler:
“Unschooling and Unjournalism”, at themoderatevoice.com
I love exercising my rights as an American to live our life in freedom and the way we want to live. I’m sure you enjoy these rights as well. I’m equally sure that if we met in person you and I and our children would respond positively to one another and see opportunities to learn from one another.
If you’re interested in a dialogue about what our family life is like, I’d love to engage one with you! Please do email if this is the case. If not, thank you for reading.
Thank you for your time,
Kelly Hogaboom
Hoquiam, WA
kelly@hogaboom.org
A funny thing happened as I wrote. I found myself weeding out words that were nasty or character attacks. I found myself attempting to gently dance along the line of offering a dialogue and perspective without lecturing. I found myself between wanting to elucidate my wonderful life with my amazing children vs. risking sounding like the proof of happy, healthy, academically-advanced children is a requirement I owe the mainstream (I highly reject this concept, as the parents of the 98% of American children who attend school are not required to “prove” their choice of institutionalized school by their kids’ behaviors and accomplishments).
After I sent my email I read the article again, and I saw something new. Toward the end of her essay I began to hear her fear and concern she has for unschooled kids; she does not see how a consensual, free living life could create a human being with the capacity to make rational, altruistic, well-informed, self-sacrificial, and well-rounded decisions. According to her, if I may be so bold to rephrase, she worries a child who is not raised with duties and commitments they “have to do” will develop to be entirely self-centered.
When I read Hart’s article with an openness and look past her personal attacks, I can relate to her fears and concerns. I am sad she chose to spend the first 75% of the article maligning families like mine. If someone like Hart – without knowing me nor choosing to get to know me – thinks of me as “nuts”, “irresponsible”, and an “unparent”, I can only try to engage with her. It is certainly a reminder, too, to keep my own thrill at my children’s developments and freedoms in check that I do not allow my joy and engagement to morph into recrimination and dismissal of the many (majority) parents who do things the mainstream way.
By making the choices we do, we Hogabooms personally set ourselves apart in a way that can be painful for others and occasionally ourselves. But this pain is not necessarily a bad thing. Wendy Priesnitz, social activist, writer, founder and editor of Life Learning Magazine, veteran “unschooler”, and mother of two grown daughters who never went to school said a few days ago, to paraphrase, that her thirty years of experience have taught her any publicity is good publicity. Today she posts a Facebook update reminding families who don’t traditionally school just how much they’re rocking the boat. She writes:
Change – of mind or actions – is difficult for most of us. The unschooling lifestyle challenges long-held beliefs about education as well as about children and parenting. I like to think that, by our very lives, we are encouraging and creating change, and making it easier for people to follow their own hearts instead of others’ opinions.
Sometimes I think that’s what I want most. Not that every parent should see the wisdom in freeing themselves and their children (although it must be said, this would be a paradise of sorts), but that parents should follow their hearts – and I’d add, remain open to the experiences lived by others. I am open to hearing views like Hart’s, even if she is not open to mine.
Each parent has the gift of self-awareness and a child whom they can continue to connect with, to learn to love anew. I have seen the power of this in my own life and my own family. No one needs to live on autopilot; the joys, tribulations, and triumph of challenging our limitations is one of my favorite experiences in being human.
beautifully put.
fabulous.
It’s funny how much arguing goes on, only not really funny funny.
I had one day where 1)my uncle hung up on me because I didn’t agree that school is the best method of socialization (which is even funnier since Boots goes to school – his preschool- and isn’t actually considered by the school district to be school-aged), and 2)I was harshly instructed by a unschooling group I was checking out to get my kid both a tv and cable because otherwise I am holding him back and directing his path too much (and yes, some of them do call themselves “unparents” so maybe it’s a trend of some sort as well as a potential insult) and told that my kid should be able to eat whatever he wants whenever he wants and do whatever he wants at all times (and I couldn’t resist asking if I had to get him a horse because he wants one, and what if someday he asks for a hooker, but I guess wanting tv is “normal” and wanting pony is “icing”, but obviously it was a fake question on my part asked in anger), and 3) later was told by a friend that she just knew I would change my mind and send my kid to public school with hers (nevermind my kid is considered “disabled” and is ineligible for regular school, and would be put in special ed even though no one can explain why that is so), and 4)listened to a homeschooling mom who hates my kid’s teacher because she’s teaching people about plants without a masters degree in plants and then 5)picked my kid up from preschool and realized that I wish he was in school a little less because I miss him a lot when he’s gone and that he’s great and I don’t want to care what anyone thinks, but I do, and still knowing that pretty much everyone I know disagrees with homeschooling, and probably even more with how we do it, only I don’t talk about that so they don’t actually know what we do or don’t do exactly.
Right, so Shelley, I want to make sure to weigh in MORE on your choices and MORE on what you SHOULD do and use even STRONGER language to describe your sheltering or not-sheltering-enough or too-little-school or too-much-school or not enough television or not enough ponies and hookers.
Because you really aren’t getting a bunch of judgy information from a myriad of sources, right?
I didn’t know “unparent” was a potential mini-movement and not just an insult applied by others. Thank you for the tip.
I think of myself as a parent, but I also read a quote recently (which I sadly cannot find nor attribute) that essentially said, “Don’t think of yourself as a parent, think of yourself as a human being who is a parent.” This connected with me. Because the reality is I *am* a parent – legally and practically and in my children’s hearts and minds – but when I *think* of myself as a human being first, I behave much better. That’s just me though.
The other thing I’d say is that if you’re brave enough to talk about what you do during the day (and you owe no one this, so don’t do it unless you want to) sometimes they will think and ponder more before they speak and throw out words of ignorance and othering.
Yup, Kelly, you are slack and uncaring because you don’t put your kids into mainstream school. JK! LOL
I still don’t understand why people worry so much about what other people do. I had someone once say that when you present an alternative view, it makes others question what they are doing which can result in defensive comments and misjudgments. I don’t have to read or hear as much as you do with homeschooling, but having chosen an alternative education path (Steiner/Waldorf) for my children, I do get to hear the occasional comment.
I find that most people who have chosen an alternative path have done so with much thought and care.
@Sara:
“I find that most people who have chosen an alternative path have done so with much thought and care.”
I find this to be true – although I will not vouch for the inverse (that those who take the mainstream path haven’t put in much thought and care).
I try to take this defensiveness on the part of others as an opportunity to examine my own defensive responses, when I have them. My poor brother, about a month ago I realized I was on a defensively-inspired rant to him – not about something he said, but about things I perceived others had said. It helped me to check myself and examine my own fears. Always a good thing.
Thanks for the post Kelly. That GMA segment was getting to me. The more I open my mind to alternatives to the mainstream, the more I realize how closed-minded some people can be. Even people that I consider to be close to me. I tell them that I will be homeschooling Kylie and they act like I’m telling them that I’m going to build my own spaceship. Of course, if a close friend of mine told me that he/she was going to build a spaceship, I would ask them “how” instead of immediately doubting them. I know that everyone reading this is already familiar to these reactions, but they still sting a little for me (ok, a lot). I may just print up some business cards with answers to the top ten homeschooling questions and hand one to them instead of wasting my time repeating myself.
Damn, why does this stuff bring me down so easily…
@Kidsync: I understand. Sometimes it brings me down too. I have managed in recent months to turn these strong emotions into positive action, and more compassion. Yes even for those who say such terrible or ignorant things.
A friend sent me this today:
The Bitter Homeschooler’s Wish List. It’s snarky but of course – we all need a venting session now and then. I got a good laugh, and many of the points are so spot-on (and snark-free).
P.S. I’d love to see the blueprints to your spaceship. I lived in one. Or rather, a bus with planets and “Inner Space” painted on the side.
P.P.S. For realz, I thought maybe I should just show you.
…and then Kelly reached down, picked me up and showed me her spaceship.
Hmm, believe it or not, I didn’t mean to make that sound so kinky, but thanks for cheering me up. That bus looks pretty damn cool. I will check out the rest of the pics at home tomorrow.
Kinda makes me think of Firefly actually. God how I miss that show! Damn you Rupert Murdoch. I will never forgive you! I’m sure you’ve seen the show, but if not YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST ACQUIRE IT!
I’m in love with Kaylee…there….I said it…
…I know…who in the ‘verse ain’t?
Now see, if only the rest of the world could take as objective a view of this issue as you have. I find myself wanting to take my oldest out of school because she goes to public school and I really want to put her in a different environment but don’t have the funds to put her in a Montessori or Waldorf school. I loved it when she was in ‘kindergarten’ (aka preschool) in Germany because it was just structured enough to give the kids a sense of some kind of organization but free enough for them to choose what they wanted to do. I keep looking for this type of environment for my 3 year-old and it doesn’t exist unless you’re willing to pay $8-10,000 a year at a minimum.
As for the benefits of ‘un-schooling’, I have to mention that a friend sent me a copy of a high school final exam from the mid- to late 1800’s. The questions were hard, though most likely based on life experience. The math was based on figuring out profit on crops based on price per weight and the amount given but there were other variables that you obviously had to know from experience, which I didn’t have. The English composition part was something that I doubt most modern high school seniors would have trouble doing. Given that most people who took this test were students in one-room schoolhouses without the ‘benefit’ of TV or computers/internet it would seem to most modern observers amazing that any of them could successfully complete the exam. And yet they did; so much for the idea that modern education is far superior to tried and true methods that involve hands-on experience and higher expectations.
I should add that my oldest wants to be a vet and, while her dad could probably teach her all she needs to know through high school in the way of science and math, he’s not here enough to do that and she is singularly resistant to the idea of mom teaching her anything academic – perhaps with the exception of foreign language. Plus, math just isn’t my strong point and I would be a poor excuse for a math teacher. So put her in public school I must. But public school doesn’t seem to be offering enough support for her/me (she has the inattentive form of ADD) and so, while I would love to have her off of meds, she absolutely has to be on them in public school because there is so little time for teachers to be able to work individually with kids outside of special education for which she doesn’t qualify.
@Kidsync
Yes, we know Firefly! I mean as in: I knit my family Jayne hats and all.
@Jen
Taking a child out of school who’s been in school is not something I have experience with. My kids never got used to school, esp. not academic and sit-all-day school. Kids who have spent time in school are used to being “taught” and are not always great at going after their education (this is no small difference). In addition, I’d imagine the “high level” subjects of math or whatever are intimidating for some parents.
That said, there are many families who have been in your position (a child in school who has been in school for years) and who’ve taken the step of removing them. It is easy to find such people. I recommend, when you have a few moments and the resources, looking into it. It is a big step, I know. But for instance just now I typed in “deschooling” in Google search and found Sandra Dodd’s article on deschooling and a small discussion on “an unschooling life” regarding how often the parent needs more help than the child. 🙂 If I can find this in a Google search, I’m sure you could find a community to help you.
Beware of the viscous and non-productive discussion that can follow some of these concepts, and continue looking for WHOMEVER is the most supportive and helpful in whatever you choose to do. I hope I count among your supporters in your heart and mind.
Shiny!
Thanks so much for your well thought out article. Really very lovely to read. 🙂
I want to mention just one other reason for discussing home/unschooling: to remind other people who may not have considered it before, or may not have understood what it entails, that there are very acceptable alternatives to standard school.
As I have a four-year-old in a coop/play-based preschool, I am trying to sort out what we will do with her and am thinking hard about homeschooling. I hate the idea that some bitter teacher or misunderstood kid or the years of learning the same. damn. thing. over. and. over might crush her spirit as they did mine.
The BUS is GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! Hippies are my heros!! Thank-you for the great read. In my family i find that while everyone is talking about their kids school stuff …When i comment, no one wants to hear it. They don’t understand unschooling…and don’t want to hear anything about it. It is sad for me. THEY are so resistant to learning….but they are worried that our son is not!! Makes my head spin around backward!
@Frank, @Lisa, @Jen et al:
Thanks for reading and thanks for your comments!
@Christina:
Both my children went to a co-op/play based playschool and I loved the experience. Looking back I realize there were “school” aspects that were both annoying or thwarting or silly but, this is in retrospect. I hadn’t then looked into unschooling / life-learning and (more importantly) the implications behind it. Still, I have fond memories and I believe my kids do too.
I had to adjust, quite a bit, at having kids at home. It was not easy for me at first. I felt pressure to do things “right”, I felt claustrophobic that I didn’t get the babysitting/”me time” that school affords, etc. etc. I could write volumes on what the first couple years have been like, but suffice to say it got better quickly and has become lovely. I literally look forward to every day with my kiddos. If you’d like to talk more about h/sing your kiddo, email me! kelly AT hogaboom DOT org. And thanks for your support and your readership.
@Rachel:
They don’t understand unschooling…and don’t want to hear anything about it.
Yes, it makes me sad too that so many don’t understand AND they don’t WANT to understand. There is so much we can learn from one another but while we keep our minds and hearts closed, it is guaranteed we will not.
Thanks for this blog on this important topic.
I picked up on this statement, “if I may be so bold to rephrase, she worries a child who is not raised with duties and commitments they “have to do†will develop to be entirely self-centered.”
I find it hard to convey to homeschoolers who aren’t unschooling yet look wistfully over their fences at it, that unschooling, or natural learning as we tend to call it hear in Australia, is definitely not abandoning the concept of duties and commitments children have to do. Heck, life just ain’t like that – it won’t allow us to do that. Children can’t handle it either. They quickly show signs of real stress.
Parents who love their children will do anything to alleviate this stress. If a parenting or educational approach or method isn’t working, parents make adjustments. We’re constantly looking for win-win solutions, which means we’re constantly compromising, negotiating and cooperating with our children and our selves.
I’ve had a problem with the definition ‘child-led’ learning for a long time because it’s a piece of jargon and jargon isn’t well understood outside of its niche. All learning is learner-led. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Of course unschooling is child-led learning. But what makes unschooling so successful is that context that learning-led learning is embedded within.
The level of permission and freedom to learn in the way that best suits the individual is paramount to that success. We’re not putting fences around the learning moments, saying it has to happen in this or that way, but in the best way that suits the learner. We’re shifting responsibility of the learning back on the learning and in the process, unshackling their ability to learn. This keeps curiosity, creativity and motivation alive and ticking at full pelt. And not just for children – for any learner at any age.
One of my most poignant memories of unschooling learning is when my son, then 15, consciously tackled overcoming his lack of motivation to do things he ‘had to do’. He’s always done things he hadn’t wanted to do, having found some motivator or other to convince him they were worth doing (which included at time, doing them to please me, whether I had asked him to do them or not). However, at this age, for some reason, he’d come across something he couldn’t avoid doing and he simply didn’t want to do it. THe goal he’d chosen required him to do it. If he wanted to achieve his goal, he had to do it. Unlike many people, he’s a thinker and self-reflector. Unstanding motivation, cause and effect is important to him. He truly wanted to know how motivation works and why we do the things we don’t want to do, or do things we know are not right for us, or why we don’t do things that are right for us or others, etc.
Each of my children has worked through this personal understanding of motivation, but in different ways. Life doesn’t happen to these young people – they are actively and consciously involved in the construction of their daily reality. There are LOTS of things they don’t like about life. They do lots of things they don’t want to do. They do lots of things they are compelled to do for reasons they don’t like and sometimes don’t even understand (such is the nature of society and its rules!) But they don’t mindlessly do them because someone else is in charge. They make their own choices.
And that’s what unschooling has given my children that I see missing in so many of their schooled and unschooled peers.
Homeschooled and schooled families both admire the results and fear the method. Kelly’s observation is spot on – us unschoolers all too often promote the results enthusiastically, but lack the perception to fully understand the motivation behind the fear, and to answer those needs. Only then will we be successful in convincing others that it’s okay to give it a go, experiment with the unschooling approach, see what works, see what doesn’t, build on success. That’s what we did. Getting something right or wrong, or incorrect or correct, is nowhere near as important as playing the learning game.
At the heart of their fear is the feeling that they will lose control. We need to help them see that this control is an illusion – they never really had control of their children’s ability to learn in the first place.
Hi Kelly,
We are mutual friends of Chris and Phil. That’s how I found this post. Well done. I wish more people were able to be open to the range of experiences humans have. It seems so clear that “different” is not better or worse, just different. The Jewish tradition teaches: “Who is wise? The one who learns from every person.”
We homeschool our 3 kids — each in a totally different way due to their differences as learners. I, too, love the opportunity to know my kids and be involved in their lives at a depth that would be difficult to attain in the mainstream model.
Keep speaking out. We need your voice,
Susan Eiseman Levitin