It’s kind of amazing I’ve been able to speak a kind word to anyone the last few days as I have embarked (at a physician’s suggestion and with her oversight, yadda yadda) on a rather annoying allergy elimination diet. Or as I like to call it, the “I Can’t Have Anything Nice With You Kids” diet. Basically, think of something you like to eat. Picturing it in you mind? Delicious, no? Guess what, I can’t eat it. I can’t consume any wheat, corn or corn products, oats, gluten (seriously? I can eat amaranth and quinoa and rice. Yippie.), I can’t have sugar or citrus, or alcohol or caffeine. Hey, did you hear that last part? About no booze and coffee? Oh and guess what? Sugar (or HFCS), corn, and wheat is in – everything. Every goddamned thing. I tried to buy some beef franks and they had corn in them. I tried to buy some “natural” and low-ingredient salad dressing – sugar. I found another bottle – this time, lemon juice, also a no-no.
You know what this food plan really is about? It’s about Eliminating Joy. “These instructions will allow you to substitute highly nutritious meals consisting of foods you rarely eat. You may not like it, but you will not be deprived of any important nutrients.” Ha! Yes! Fuck yes! I am not really liking it!
I am particularly a bad candidate for this kind of thing as A. I don’t have a history of “dieting” (i.e. a pursuit of weight loss through calorie-counting or food eschewal), B. Deprivation takes the energy out of me, and C. I am responsible for cooking for four people and seriously? As if I want some extra caveats in the kitchen. Stirring a few tablespoons of butter into the rest of the family’s spaghetti tonight and the starchy-buttery smell just felt Right. I am in the Wrong for not eating that stuff up (I didn’t – I’m no cheater).*
Well, twatever, the thing has started. Monday I was just about paralyzed with abrupt caffeine withdrawl (upon consulting with my doctor on Day 2 I discovered I was not actually required to forgo the stuff; yet I have gotten over the hump on no-caffeine so I’m keeping it that way). Tuesday I was a bit low energy – hello, no bread, no sugar, no coffee? Of course. Today, well, I’ve felt pretty much myself. And I won’t lie: the symptoms I initially sought treatment for (nighttime anxiety and onset insomnia, stomach cramps, diarrhea, skin breakouts) are improving. Sleep has been transformed. No stomach pains. No hangover fuzziness. No drunken, raunchy sext messages in the middle of the night. Oh wait, I didn’t do those before.
Mostly though, I just feel boring. I cook for the family but making myself separate meals feels odd and uncomfortable. I’m earnestly looking forward to a “normal”, whatever that is. I have no idea what that normal will look like, but I pray it doesn’t involve having to eat like this for any long duration. Like right now? I’m actually looking forward to my dessert of a banana and soy milk. A goddamned banana! Who the fuck likes those? Nobody. This is what I’ve been reduced to, people.
LOL*sob*!
* By the way I am a pretty good cook and the fact I can’t cook things for myself makes my kitchen triumphs seem all the more precious. Tonight I made turkey meatballs infused with silken tofu – just a bit to give them body – and garlic, and fresh basil and bay leaves in a red sauce. I cook up the sauce from scratch on the oven about an hour, then saute up the meatballs put the whole business in my cast-iron casserole in the oven all day at 200 F. Butter beans and pasta for the rest of the family, a beet salad for myself. By the way, I made excellent meatballs and in fact no one can make turkey meatballs as moist and flavorful as I can.
(Thanks for the clip, Paige!)
Hang in there. I have a friend who is going through the same thing and although it makes her crazy at times, her symptoms have been vastly improved and once you get over the hump and figure out some things that you AND your family will enjoy, it might just seem better in the end.
Sigh.
Thanks, Kate. My symptoms have improved already, some drastically. And I’m getting used to the diet. You know what I really crave is sugar, something sweet. Fruit just doesn’t quite cut it (especially this time of year). I’v heard the cravings go away after a few days. We’ll see.
Thanks for your kind words!
Just wanted to say I know it’s tough. I go through periods of “super-clean” eating similar to what you’re describing and though I always feel better it really can be hard depending on where my head’s at. I was off coffee for a while but I just love it so much plus I’m a hopeless junkie. (When I go to bed I’m excited to drink coffee in the morning. Is that wrong?) You don’t sound like you’re at a loss for recipes but I’m happy to share what we eat if you’re stuck at all – mostly vegan, mostly gluten-free, lots of veggies, with room for my husband and son to have some other stuff if they’re feeling a bit too deprived.
dietary restrictions are harsh. I am glad it’s helping though.
I can’t eat corn/corn products (so pretty much nothing that is prepared/semi-prepared/an existing condiment from the store. But it’s easy to avoid because I have practice, and because I feel so amazingly awful if I eat any. My back goes out, I get horrible stomach cramps and my stomach is all acidic, and so on.
It seems like it would be especially terrible to have to make food you want but can’t eat. Good luck.
I make everyone eat what I eat (or, I cook all the food and make stuff that we can all eat).
We had a dinner thingy where one person couldn’t eat soy, wheat, eggs, dairy, almonds, another couldn’t eat eggs or cow dairy, another couldn’t eat citrus, tomato, tropical fruit, nuts, dairy or eggs (also, it turned out basil, which was in the dish-for-people-who-can’t-eat-tomato), another can’t eat olives…totally insane. I tried to figure out what, besides toenails and hair, everyone could eat, but ended up making two sauces for noodles, and two kinds of noodles. The no-eggs-dairy-almonds-soy-wheat family are getting their older child allergy tested next week and I think kind of praying that he won’t have additional allergies, though I think they’re getting him tested because he’s not doing great eating what they’re eating…so what is up with all of this no-one-can-eat-anything deal? Half of vashon is on an anti-inflammatory elimination diet right now, and the restaurants are kind of freaking out (how many different dishes to prep for that only a person or two will actually order).
“No drunken, raunchy sext messages in the middle of the night.”
Ahh…reminds me of a text message that I received once (the night shift rocks sometimes). I have always found pleasure in taking advantage of people that call (or text) the wrong number.
(paraphrasing from memory)
Her: “Please come over tonight. I’ll make it worth your while.”
Me: “I can’t, sorry.”
Her: “C’mon…I’ll do your favorite.”
Me: “Hmmm…”
Her: “I swear, the whole thing.” (at this point I’m intrigued, but I know better)
Me: “I can’t.”
Her: “Why not?”
Me: “Because I’m married.”
Her: “WTF?!?!?! Stop playin”
Me: “I’m serious.”
Her: “I can’t believe you would do that to me ”
Me: “I can’t believe you wouldn’t double check a phone number before sending out a booty-text.”
Oddly enough, she didn’t reply. It also still amazes me how some people will continue to have a huge fight via text when they could just call the number and save a lot of typin’.
@Carrie
(When I go to bed I’m excited to drink coffee in the morning. Is that wrong?)
No. I may be off coffee now but let me make it clear coffee is the AWESOMEST THING EVER. If anyone tries to say anything bad about coffee I will fight them.
@Shelley
Flying up one’s own ass re: food allergies/intolerances/etc. is SO HOT RIGHT NOW, in some places more than others. One redeeming trait is I haven’t met a food-restricted party who wasn’t totally amiable about the whole thing. I hope your dinner guests were.
@Kidsync
“I can’t believe you wouldn’t double check a phone number before sending out a booty-text.â€
Nice one! And I agree about the whole texting thing. A friend of ours & his best friend broke up over a monster text session. Kids these days.
my dinner guests were awesome. They all brought food, even though they didn’t need to, and everyone patiently outlined what had what in it. I don’t think any of us are real proud of our inability to eat food, and oddly, every single person ate the egg and cow dairy sugar filled cake.
and the other thing that I think is weird with the can’t-eat-anything-itis is when people decide that foods they can’t personally eat are actually, really and truly BAD foods. Dairy is BAD, eggs are BAD, sugar, BAD, wheat, BAD. But lettuce and meat and rice are all “good”? Then people eat the stuff that is BAD when they’ve been “good” for a specific amount of time (I don’t mean resume eating, but cheat-and-eat) and say it’s ok because they’ve been soooo “good”. That whole segment of the food-craziness is crazier than just the not eating/not being able to eat part.
@shelley
One hundred-percent in agreement with you there. Some ppl are passionate about ethical food – awesome for them! – but it often yields to food-shaming and railing about the individual ingredients/foods themselves and assuming the same opportunities of access and economic privilege and a Borg-like likeness of values and priorities.
Michelle Allison aka The Fat Nutritionist has some excellent essays on the subject. She is kind of awesome and I want to marry her. Observe:
If only poor people understood nutrition
Eat food. Stuff you like. As much as you want.
The rules of nutrition
“Worthless” foods
My husband just read to me last week that there was another new study that showed that a high-protein diet was best for people. I did one of those once and I have to say that I lost weight while on it and it didn’t take that long. However, there have been so many conflicting studies about what is best for you that I feel compelled to just ignore them all and eat what I want, within reason, and make sure that I include fresh veggies as much as possible. Because, really, I’m gonna die sometime and I might as well not die miserable, longing for a brownie and a latte.
I’m with you on the coffee lovin’. When I’m pregnant or nursing a newborn I always have to switch to decaf and that just about kills me because, honestly, it just doesn’t taste the same.
@Jen
It seems like diet is individual so I always cringe when I hear someone say “such-and-such is GOOD/BAD for everyone”. There are many people who eat this or that without complications; there are those who have many sensitivities and reactions. There are many obese people who enjoy better health than skinny counterparts.
Incidentally, my bloodwork was all fabulous.
I am definitely over the hump on the coffee thing already, and it’s only been a few days. This is a huge surprise to me as NO ONE is a larger coffee addict than I. I would drink it from when I got up to when I went to bed. I’m doing just fine without it. Will I give it up entirely, I don’t know.
Oh and also I’m totally an alcoholic, but since I don’t have the adrenaline surging through my body in the evening (which may have been exacerbated through something I was eating) I no longer need it to relax. This is kind of… incredible.
I find myself extremely curious if any of the things I discover while on eating restriction will translate to long-term changes.
I’m glad it seems to be helping your symptoms, even though it’s hard to resist the things you love. I think if I had insomnia that could be cured by a change in diet I’d be up for that.
I think the coffee dependency differs at various points in my life. I gave it up and was drinking only green tea about 6 years or so ago. I will say that I lost a lot of weight then, too, but I think that also had something to do with the fact that I wasn’t consuming the sugar and cream/milk that goes along with a big cup of coffee, not just the coffee itself. And I was thinking the other day that I should go back to the green tea only agenda while my husband is gone for the next 5 weeks, since there’s no one else here who drinks coffee. But it’s not just the caffeine – I love the taste of it. I love coffee ice cream and when I go to Amsterdam I always get coffee-flavored pudding at the market. And my favorite candies (other than licorice) are these coffee-toffee flavored hard candies called ‘hopjes’.
Kudos to you for being able to find ways to cook for your family and make it work for you, too.
@Jen
I am just glad that in no way do I have weight loss as a goal. It’s pretty easy to pursue health and be invested and interested in the process. I feel like I’m working with my body, not fighting it.
As for the “flavor” of coffee, I get what you’re saying – and let’s not forget the aroma, lovely. Should you ever decide to eschew coffee or reduce you can always drink decaf… it’s not the same, I know, but it is a good substitute. Or drink 1/2 and 1/2 blends. Or start switching to decaf earlier in the day, like the hordes of elderly people I’ve know that have done so.
Or just don’t EVER GIVE UP COFFEE, hee hee. Or go easy on yourself and attach less judgment to your supposed “vices”.
Oh, honey.
I suck ass at diets in general but have done similar back to basics diets for the sake of my skin, my attitude and (let’s face it) the size of my ass. In fact, since I have continued to break out in rashes in various places all over my body lately, I have been contemplating something like this because it does feel good when you do it.
This is hard and you will have moments when you look at your small, grilled piece of flesh and your steamed bullshit and want to throw it at someone. Here are, however, a few things that might help:
1. Soups. Roast a chicken, make a stock out of the carcass. Stock becomes the base of the soup. I am a big fan of pureed deals that feature one vegetable (eg, cauliflower, with copious amounts of onion, garlic, and fresh or dried herbs. ginger? coriander (in seed form) or cilantro (in leaf form)? — I am sure you can figure out the fine points). You can always throw in chunks of whatnot too and just eat it like that, but I like the purees. To each her own.
2. Potatoes. Can you have them? what about sweet potatoes or yams? Seriously, sweet potatoes in particular have saved me from those knife-edged, foaming at the mouth, about to throttle the nearest living thing (usually my husband) sugar craving moments. If you bake them for like an hour + at the same temperature used to melt lead, they will get soft and juicy and you might find yourself imagining that they need no butter. Seriously. olive oil and nutritional yeast make a fair butter substitute on regular potatoes. Or cut them in little slices and roast them with olive oil and salt (if salt is allowed –anyway, rosemary is good also)
3. Can you have salt? Bragg’s Liquid Aminos + flax or olive oil can make a decent salad dressing. mash some fresh basil and go crazy. Or experiment with unsweetened cranberry juice. OK, that last statement brought back a memory of my mom shuddering and going “god no, we did that during the war” after I had suggested that we sift the bugs out of our (apparently poorly packaged) flour so that we didn’t have to waste it. But, you know, it could turn out good.
4. What about spices? turmeric, cumin, etc? You could do a mean lentil sauce with the tiny red lentils that turn to soupy loveliness in 20 minutes flat. It would go well over brown rice as well.
You know you will be able to rock this. In fact, I am sure you will make some amazing culinary breakthrough here.