It’s pretty hard for me to admit I seem to be suffering some sort of illness or malady that has one major and rather debiliating symptom: fatigue. Fatigue that makes no sense, seems to have no good reason, serves no purpose, a bottomless fatigue that eats my time and mental energy and my Work and is interfering with what I want from and for my life.
It just Is.
The fatigue is so incredible and cannot be overcome with coffee nor better nutrition nor lots of little rests. I’ve tried many things. It was bad enough the other day I rode the bike to the local store to buy and then take a pregnancy test. I really did. You should know this is really silly; my husband has a vasectomy, and of course there is no other possibility for a gravid state. I took the test because even though a spontaneous reversal on my husband’s plumbing was a 1 in 4,000 chance the fatigue is just that bad. My recent bloodwork panel came back with results entirely the picture of health (and yes, the pregnancy test was negative). I have nothing to go on and:
I can’t figure it out.
Tonight Ralph is working with another musician and when I’m feeling Myself I generally can cook an amazing meal and get things done and cuddle with kids while Ralph & co. are practicing, a dinner to show for it, hands and body moving with purpose. I have a great deal to cut out to sew; in addition I have the meal to prepare. But my body is sluggish and tired and my mind worn out. There is simply nothing for it, no reason I should feel this way and no way I can’t cook at least and really, it is no kind of solution NOT to cook (especially when our fridge is bursting with foodstuffs from a bountiful harvest). I feel terrible because I hate it when I can’t hostess in the way I’d like. In this case the meal turns out fine (grilled chicken burgers with homemade pesto, Roma beans, coleslaw, fresh tomatoes and hardboiled eggs) and our guest stays and we talk family stuff and drink beer. The evening passes well enough and my sewing work is accomplished but at any moment I wasn’t sitting down my body and mind were screaming for rest. And please don’t judge me but rest I find boring (that’s what sleep is for, of which I get plenty). I want to Work.
When I am ill for a reason I can’t figure out, my anxiety goes through the roof. I am relatively good at coping with illness or disability I understand on some level – but this? I do not. It makes no sense to ask friends for “a break” or for them to watch the kids; the kids watch themselves really and are more help than hindrance. I have so little I really have to do – the housework, mainly. Yet I am too drained to go about the work I need to perform nor the work I want to, of which there is a lot, without exhaustion setting in.
I am also aware I don’t want to write about this. I have a worry my journal will soon become entries only regarding how Terrible I feel, absent from my own life of usefulness. I worry this will bore people who read. Then I think, That doesn’t make sense. No one has to read who doesn’t want to. It is more important to me to be honest about what’s happening in my life than to try to fake something better. I have been here writing for most of a decade at my best and worst and now, my rather meager.
I want myself back, or the Self I used to know. Will I see her again?
As you know this is something that I have battled with myself for years. Its one thing to have those slow winterdays or lazy Sunday afternoons. But having a sleepy 2005 through 2010 is enough to make you lose your mind! Seeing people who just go go go and are not sluggish at 3:00. People who take a trip out of town and still want to meet up with friends for dinner when they get home. Or my person nemisis… “The Morning Person”.
I don’t know if you ever look on these types with envy ( as I do) but I am willing to bet it reminds you of the thing you once had in your life which you now lack. And it sucks. Especially when there is no explaination for what is going on.
Here are some things which work for me. Though I must start by saying I am no expert on the subject, I merely have experience.
1. Find an amound of sleep which is right for you. 5 hours. 10. After what amount do you feel at your best initially? Go with that. And do not give in to a desire to change. Find a bedtime and stay with it. This can seem like torture. I can remember laying in bed for upwards to 6 hours unable to sleep and fighting the desire to get up and read, smoke, watch a movie, work on a project ect to ” get me sleepy”. This is a huge misconception in my expereince. You instead will be oddly mentally reenergized and while your body will be ready to hit the sack it is just not going to happen. Period. This will also result in restless sleep.
Next you must, and this is where my weakness lies, get up. Promptly. At a designated time each day. Even if you took hours to get to sleep, you must set a schedule. Eventually your body will figure it out.
This sounds like a freakishly rigid and scarily forced way to think of your sleeping pattern but there is something to it. Most people do not have to worry about when and how and how often they sleep. But think of your energy as a person which thrives on structure and schedule. Some peoples energy levels derive from your body being able to rely on you, to be reliable. Stay with me. I know its a bit out there.
2. Stay away from strong caffinated drinks, and ALCOHOL.
Particularly before bed. Which sucks balls when you want to relax with a beer after a long day. For many a cold one is just the ticket for a slumberfest. For others its the complete opposite.
3. Protein.
Steak for breakfast? Might be better for you. Also may be weird if you are one to use the first 2 hours of your day to wake up before eating. When you start off right away with something in your belly in jump starts your metabolism! And the tummy talks. Once that gets going every other part of your body jumps on board. I hate doing this because I often get a sick feeling eating first thing. But that means, for me, that things were at a dead hault before those eggs got there. So you are doing the right thing.
4. Avoid food crashes.
As a follow up to the last thing eating smaller meals and snacks in between is a great way to make sure that your internal energy roadway ( the GI track) keeps running smoothly. Like providing an inner round about.
5. Multi Vitamins
Not just every once in a while. Every day. In particular? B12 complexes. Which goes with the intestional side of things. Iron. Of course and Vitamin D. Lots of people take vitamin D but their bodies do not obsorb it! Which can be a physical thing. Of which I know little, but the introweb is a marvalous tool. Also you may have problems obsorbing vitamins because of intestional buildup on the walls of your innards. Which can be solved wth lots of fluids and possibly a “clense”. (Squirms) but you are way aheah of most people knowing that the BEST way to get vitamins is through your diet, not pills.
6. Excersise!
Running, biking, swimming. All things you already do yes? But, setting a few days aside to do this on your own and really push yourself more than just a trip to aberdeen of a few laps around the lazy river at the Y will prove to be a very different concept. Doing it alone is great because you are making time just for the process. Time without distractions and to clear your mind while getting the physical work done. A half hour to an hour 3 times a week could make a huge difference. Remember your running regimin? I remember you talking then of the energy it brought you. And Ralph was up for giving you the space to do so. Consider it.
7. Stress free zone
And I think this may be particularly useful for you Kelly. The mind is easily bogged down. Especially for those who do a lot for other people. While it gives you joy to provide for family and friends. Enormous joy I have no doubt. It is a stress factor nonetheless. Sewing problems gone wrong, not the right fabric? Family things? Marriage? Also emails from people confiding in you. Expressing worries about their schooling. Parenting. Habbits. While you are a wonderful resourse, you are also only 1 person. And even though we can sometimes feel in the moment there is a problem to be solved after that moment has subsided. Stress is with us always. And we all have different triggers. You must find something that actually works for you. Which as a perfectionist (which might be an extreme term) though you love to cook, the likelyhood of worrying over monies for the meal or quality of the dish might undo the relieving of the stress. The thing you used to shed stress might simply add to it! So be careful of what you use as a relief.
Now that I have written an essay filled with typos and grammatical errors on my phone at 3 in the morning I will summerize by saying this. I hope the best for you.
two thoughts come to my mind reading your post this morning.
1. allergies? my fall allergies are starting up again – and since we live relatively closely i wonder if fall pollens are starting their party over in your neck of the woods…
…and food allergies – i remember reading some time ago about your being on an elimination diet – did you have any blood work with that? i only this summer got tested for celiac and it has explained A.LOT of my fatigue and especially my pain/aches these last too many years – eat the tiniest bit of gluten and i am shit for 4+ days – it both sucks and is a relief to have an improvement in my situation.
2. mold? mold sensitivity can get worse like that and can look just like chronic fatigue. i’m not saying your house is nasty and dirty – seriously, though, we live in a very moist and humid climate and mold is a constant attacker in our homes.
if anything else comes to mind i’ll let you know – also, i really liked Jasmines #1 idea about finding your sleep needs and working to get them met – also i’ve learned that i can pull 1-2 late nights with little to no extra sleep and be okay but go a third night and i will wake up feeling so completely like shit it can not even be described!
As I mentioned before, I have been dealing with some similar stuff. Jasmine’s suggestions above, although they (strangely) can be very, very hard to do, are really good ones. The sleep, the protein in the am, and the exercise are essentials for me. I agree also that although general exercise is a good thing, there is something to be said for the kind that makes you sweat hard and work past your comfort zone. Oh, and keeping off of the computer. :). I feel like I have fallen off of all of the above, and am noticing it in my state of mind/energy levels big time. Shall we don our running shoes?
This is probably not what’s going on, but because fatigue plays such a large part in my illness, I’m going to mention it. Cushing’s Disease. It’s an illness caused (usually) by a malfunctioning pituitary gland or by malfunctioning adrenal glands, sometimes both. There are many other symptoms associated with the illness, but the kicker about this disease is that no two patients share all the same symptoms.
If you’re curious to know more about it, I would recommend cushings-help dot com. Although there are plenty of other sites that contain info on this disease (the Mayo clinic, WebMD, etc.) none of them are very good at really explaining the illness and they only list a few symptoms so you can’t really get a true idea of the illness from them.
I’m certainly not trying to scare you or make you worry, so please don’t think that! Nor am I trying to be negative about what’s going on with you. It’s just that it took me years to find out what was going on with me, even to find the name for it, and I know it would have been a huge blessing for me if someone early on had mentioned Cushing’s.
Anyway, thanks for letting me comment, your writing is amazing 🙂 I hope you feel better soon!!
Thank you so much for trying to help. I read every word (and I’m sure to get more emails and/or comments) and I will return to them. It is really incredible to have so many people chime in and try to help.
For now I will say I’m realizing how shockingly little I eat all day just lately, and that yes, I am going to try some more red meat (and to stimulate the appetite with more exercise if I can). My naturopath did say I may have a deficiency there. If anyone else knows of an appetite stimulant, let me know. In other words if you have some weed you can bring it to my house.
Jasmine, you are right about alcohol and caffeine; they are often used to self-medicate and help get one “up” and put one “down” later (which means treating the underlying problems is important, not merely depriving oneself of them). I am going to look for my energy in some other sources than drinkable ones; for sleep, I sleep beautifully with or without booze, but slightly better without. I get plenty of hours of sleep and am not interested in this point at going to bed and getting up at a rigorous time, I’ve never liked that premise. I will keep it in mind though.
Recently I was doing the “get up a sweat” exercise (and last year’s running was lovely) but right now I’m not sure I can manage! It’s really that bad. We’ll see.
Mold, celiac, cushings… I’ll have to return to those thoughts later.
Thank you for taking the time.
bleh. I had that at one point, to the point I didn’t feel like I would e able to take care of boots at all. he was three.
in my case it was said to be adrenal fatigue. and I took supplements for it and they worked. the other happy little helper was strong stinging nettle tea. You may not be into that kind of stuff, but where I was I didn’t really care if I had to eat rat shit, I just wanted to live and be able to get off the fucking couch (and I am not a couchy person by nature, so we can’t speculate that an overdose of couch caused the extreme fatigue and inability to function).
I find myself energized just reading all the loving and supportive words from your other readers. What gifts they offer! I will send you my love, along with a couple of empty Tupperware containers you lent me, this week and hope that your fatigue fades quickly.
I’m sorry for you. I have one thing, apart from all the helpful comments, as advice that helped me a lot during my past months of illness. Take your needs seriously, don’t be angry at your body for what it needs, don’t fight against it but listen to it. Like you unschool you children do so with your body.
To get more appetite I took more fermented food, like yoghurt and saurkraut, and real pickles.
In the Mood Cure (http://www.moodcure.com/) there is a test you can do to check for things you lack and that maybe give you this down tired feeling.
I’ve finally made it back to the computer after backing slowly away from it over the John Travolta/ Jamie Lee Curtis thing. I am so sorry that things are the way they are for you right now. I feel as if I understand something of what you’re going through (both the fatigue and the self-alienation that comes with it) but I don’t have any useful advice to offer. I just wanted to say that I hope you’ll identify the root of this soon and that I hope you’ll feel better, in a lasting way.
I have to apologize. I realize I was unclear in my post. I really was not looking for advice or diagnosis or the suggestion of routines or upheavals or big changes (trying a new tea, I can do that, thanks Shelley). These things, especially changes to routine, are fun to consider when my body and mind are doing well, but rather devastating to read when I’m doing poorly (as I am).
This is my fault though. I did not communicate clearly the MAGNITUDE of this fatigue. I did not directly say I did not want advice or suggestions nor communicate how end-of-rope I was/am. I messed up.
I appreciate those who have weighed in with advice and I will definitely come back to the comments here when I have the energy for this.
@Shannon and @Shelley
Thank you for the love and the promise of Tupperware. Re: adrenal disorders, I suspect many people have adrenal fatigue based on the amount of caffeine (coffee, pop, and energy drinks) I see being consumed. I’m glad you got in a better place. And yeah re: couch potato… it’s not always true you can just exercise yourself into more energy if there is a larger underlying problem based in biochemical deficiencies, etc.
@Medrie
I’m sorry for the Travolta/Curtis video, hee. I hope you can learn to trust again. 🙂 Just be glad you weren’t on Twitter last night because I went a little over the top with graphic spider tweets. I freaked MYSELF out. But it was worth it.
@Josh
Thank you, and your words about listening to my body and not fighting it are extremely, extremely welcome to hear right now. Today was better for me and I took care of myself. As for your fermented foods, I’m smiling thinking about them. Today I worked on your A.’s trousers – which was SUCH fun – and Ralph took care of the kids and the house and the cooking and yes, one crock of real pickles and the other of sauerkraut. So I’m thinking you and I are, though many miles apart, on a similar wavelength today.
Once again, thank you commentors.
@Kelly
Take this with a grain of salt. I don’t like armchair medicine, but I suppose the suggestions don’t hurt as long as they are reviewed with an actual doctor.
Did your bloodwork include tests for both iron and blood volume? I know it sounds odd, but my wife had both fatigue and severe anxiety attacks for years. They put her through test after test (including a damn spinal tap) and found nothing. Then they finally tested her blood volume and it was so low the doctor couldn’t believe it. All she needed was some heavy iron supplements to bring her back to normal. Now she just maintains it with a daily iron supplement and red meat.
As it turns out, the culprit in her case is heavy menstrual cycles. If she skips her iron for even a few days she starts to have anxiety attacks and tries to rationalize the craziest things. The doctor finally put her on birth control pills to reduce the heavy blood loss. Our oldest daughter has a similar problem and her doctor also put her on birth control to ease the cycles. Prior to that, she would just flip out sometimes because her iron was so low.
Anyway, it’s something to ask the doctor (unless you rarely have anxiety attacks, if ever). It may even be a similar, less severe, problem. I don’t know how thorough your bloodwork tests were, but I don’t think blood volume is a part of a standard test.
It still doesn’t feel right posting this, but maybe it can help another reader if it doesn’t help you. If we had known earlier, we could have saved ourselves a lot of torment.
…darn…you posted while I was typing. Sorry. :-/
When I feel like that, I’m usually not listening to myself very well. Sometimes I just feel this need to GO and DO and not GIVE IN to the fatigue. And I’ve found that it makes it worse and harder to overcome. I’m sorry you’re not well. I really am.
@Kidsync
Thank you for your comments. You have no need to apologize.
And I certainly think this comment thread, “unsolicited advice” and all, is super-awesome and may in fact help others reading. Thanks.
In reading your suggestions I’m thinking You know what I really need? A doctor who doesn’t suck. I don’t really have one. Need a physician/ND who I can partner with to help care for my body.
@k8
Truer words have never been spoken (that impulse to GO and not GIVE IN). Thank you for your commiseration.