I forgot to mention, I’m having a rough day today.  I guess I’ve been having a few of these lately (it feels like a mild depression) and I worry writing about it makes it some big Thing that will be Boring to everyone, but then again I have to be honest for my own sake. Today very little reached my belly and made me laugh and I am ashamed to say I did not eat food except once today although I knew I should eat more and eat better for my health. I don’t need anyone to weigh in on this as the guilt (internally-supplied) is extremely unhelpful.

But there were a few episodes I wanted to write down because they were genuinely Good.

This afternoon my mother came over and picked up Phoenix to take her to the bank and cash her check from the painting she (Phoenix) sold. When they came back they’d brought me the most amazing array of fresh gladiolus. These are sitting on our little table and giving our living room a life of its own. My mom and I shared some tea and had a wonderful talk about a homebirth article I’d read that morning. She also thanked me for the chocolate and hardtack I’d brought her and my grandfather. When she drove home a little later she found, upon arriving at her house, my kitty Mable had snuck a ride. So Mable got to hang out at my mom’s for a few hours until she brought the little creature back. This made all of us smile. Cats are like children for me, a real blessing as even in a day with the doldrums they can give me cheer. I take comfort in caring for them and knowing at least I can do that much.

This afternoon Phoenix went ahead to the soccer field and attendant playground to roughhouse. I took Nels out for a lunch. Nels was overly-hungry (by his admission) and he was very sad as we were getting ready. I felt dizzy and horrid but I was gentle to the children, a kind of survival-level daze which is always accompanied by my deep respect and awareness at those who are chronically or more devastatingly ill and still have dependents to care for. I was counting down the moments until I’d have food for my Boy and he’d feel better.

As soon as we parted ways – my daughter on her bike off on her own adventure, my son behind me on the bike – Nels became very loving and clingy and pet me and told me in so many expressive ways how much he loved me. Our tenderness and closeness lasted through the next hour and a half until it was he playing on the playground and I sat with my husband and mother and watched soccer practice.

The one thing that made me laugh out loud and spontaneously today: when Nels and I arrived on the playground Phoenix was deep in play with two girls. The younger of the two aparently announced, “That boy in the red shirt with the long blonde hair? He’s hot.” Phoenix related this to me and we laughed. Nels didn’t understand what “hot” meant; when Phoenix and I told him the girl meant attractive he got a very knowing look and laughed. Just a precursor, some precocious and misplaced adult behavior on the part of the girl (I mean “hot”, really?) but still, as others may relate to, children grow up so fast and sooner than I’m really ready my children really will have little paramours.

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