Today I left my kids to fend for themselves while my mom and I went shopping. The best kind of shopping (or at least a type of shopping that doesn’t fall prey to my constant second-guessing): her money, my devil-on-the-shoulder advice to buy, buy, buy! Actually, there’s nothing nefarious at all about a matron purchasing herself a nice party get-up and a few Christmas gifts for her family. I was pleased to observe I not only directed her to shops she ended up enjoying, but I selected a few items she liked enough to buy. We enjoyed a lunch and hot coffee and quite a bit of great conversation; we never run out of things to talk about, and we don’t mind quietude together either. She’s a good friend to have.
When I got home I had to immediately run back out again on another errand in the rainy, cold car – and in the preternaturally-early darkness, ugh. The kids were kind of staggering around all improperly-nourished and pent up and I felt that pang of guilt I feel whenever I don’t give 100% or have my shit entirely-in-order. When I got back home I finally had a few minutes with just-the-kids and they quite naturally gravitated toward sitting on my lap and bringing me a glass of water. Cozied up against the elements with just one another, the way I like to be.
I hadn’t mentioned the other day but my miniature ER drama hasn’t been the only ill omen in the household; the night before Nels had experienced a fever and a bout of night terrors. I’m thinking the former precipitated the latter, as he hadn’t had such an episode since we lived on Eklund Street. If you haven’t experienced a child of your own going through night terrors, consider yourself fortunate. It’s awful. I wish I didn’t have memories of his voice wound up in tension, his chest fluttering like wet tissue paper, his eyes wide and his mouth trembling. Nothing stops the night terror precisely; in the period of about ten to fifteen minutes he gradually emerges from the dreamstate and is Himself again. He doesn’t seem to remember the specifics of what has plagued him so.
Nels’ fever came and went and for two days he slept a lot and had a few such waking nightmares. When my husband is underslept (often enough) and depressed or stressed (rare, but currently in effect) he is occasionally not terribly helpful when the kids have a night need. Thus my own sleep has been at a “high alert” state which likely any mother or round-the-clock caregiver will relate to. I sometimes think to myself what would it be like for a real vacation, one where I was granted time off from my responsibilities and did not have to worry about food, care, laundry, housework. It’s not even possible for me to think what it might be like. But I don’t need to worry. My day will come, some day.
I sense something is wrong for Nels; he is either growing too fast for his comfort or we are not keeping up with him. Despite this he remains as intuitive and passionate as ever. In a querulous moment tonight after I complained of his behavior (an insistance I cook him food late tonight when I was ready to rest) he interrupted me: “Stop, stop… I need help, I need you to help me!” Patiently (but a bit wearily) I asked him, “What do you need from me?” and he said, “Love, I need love!” and stretched his arms out to me, his face hot and tears streaming down. I accepted him and the resultant embrace lasted and calmed us both. It is incredible to me even in Nels’ darkest moments how much he wants to retain connection and how willing he is to be vulnerable to those who may show a hardened response. I hope he keeps this quality.
As ever I am entirely grateful for family life. Making Christmas presents and anticipating gifts for loved ones is truly an exciting, creative, and exhilerating endeavor. It seems despite this or that and job woes and car problems and bleak – BLEAK – weather, our life is bountiful and joyous and deeply experienced.
Oh Nels. He does have my heart.
The vacation-away-from-the-kids thing has always been tough for me. I always felt guilty and it overshadowed the vacation heavily. It’s not that I ever wanted to be away from them. I just wanted a significant break in the request/response grind. So far I found that one solid day and night away with my wife was more than enough. By the next day I wanted to get back to the kids.
Concerning the night terrors, it’s good that it has been limited to the fever. But if it does begin to happen more frequently, he’ll most likely learn how to handle them. I have clusters of them occasionally myself (although not much in the last year or so). I also had them as a kid. Aliens, monsters, kids that I don’t know and my personal favorite…large spiders descending from the ceiling. The worst of it was probably last year I partially dislocated my shoulder leaping from my bed trying to tackle a woman (that wasn’t there) that was standing over me with a gun in my face. Good times.
It’s amazing how real these terrors can be. I could have a police sketch done of the woman with the gun even though I have never met anyone in real life that looks anything like her.
The good news is, most of my night terrors are mild although vivid. Sometimes I open my eyes and see a child that I don’t know standing at the foot of my bed or running through my bedroom. He just stares at me shrouded in shadow so I can’t see his face. I stare back until he fades away. I’ll admit that I’ve said a few words to him once or twice…just in case, but he never answered me.
The spiders get me every time though. I’m not particularly afraid of spiders, but there’s something about seeing a dozen or so tarantula-sized spiders descending from the ceiling above me that launches me from the bed every time.
And I can’t forget to mention the sessions where I try to include my wife in some midnight mission that I’m on. I think her favorite had to be when I informed her that the floor was liquid and we had to add some element to it to make it solid again. Depending on how tired she is she’ll either play along to see how far I take it or tell me to go back to sleep.
My unsolicited advice is that when it happens, validate him and never try to convince him that it isn’t real while he’s in that state. Every time that someone has tried to convince me that it wasn’t real, it just made me resentful and angry until I could finally go back to sleep. I suppose it’s similar to not waking a sleep walker even though I never leave the room (so far as I know).
Eek, sorry for the long comment. May have been an over-share.
@Kidsync
Thanks for sharing. Nels used to have these a few years ago, often enough. My mom did INTERNETZ-RESEARCH the other day and said night terrors in kids are different than night terrors in adults. So you might want to check that you’re not secretly an arsonist or something. Just kidding!
I like your last paragraph and I will bear those thoughts in mind. Thank you very much for your perspective!
Re: vacation. I’m not sure if I’ve ever had two days off. Days off at-home are different than days off elsewhere. I think I’d love to be super-duper pampered sometime but, since that ain’t happening anytime soon, fine.