Christmas has in the past been a happy season for me but so far this year it’s all going pear-shaped. My daily life feels overwhelming right now. I tell myself it’s unnecessary to feel pinched or out-of-depth because all things are temporary. And when I tell myself that, I feel better.
Still, it’s a struggle. In the cold and wet and living in an almost comically walk-bus-&-bike-FAIL of a burg, the accumulation of increasingly significant car problems are a serious impediment. My clothes are shabby and I don’t have quite enough of them and they’re not warm enough. Our blankets are falling apart and our kitchen water pressure is out and the CLOWDER keep dismantling the yule tree and we spent Christmas money on the veterinarian bills for a sick kitty and Ralph worries about the chickens in the cold weather and most my time is spent in a rather seemingly endless loop of laundry, dishes, cooking and feeding and it’s dark what seems like all the time, to the point where I remind myself out loud that after the solstice I’ll see the sun again, a little bit more.
Tonight as we head to the grocery store I ask the kids if we should use the side-money their father is working on procuring for Christmas presents for them, or for fixing our car. The kids think about it and said, “Car”, because they’re fucking smart and they’ve got pretty awesome priorities. In fact if it weren’t for my kids I’d probably be living in a state of bona fide Depression rather than the small-d-depression I’m grappling with. Well, if it weren’t for my kids there’d by another salary and two fewer mouths to support and something tells me that might make a difference in my anxieties – but let’s not quibble about details.
The kids aren’t just intelligent and helpful they are completely hilarious and refreshing and entirely exactly who I want to spend much of my time with. Case in point: today over lunch Nels tells me he’s worried for his friend P. because he doesn’t think P.’s parents treat him well. “They don’t let him sleep with them,” he adds quite solemnly (except he says “wif dem”, be still my heart!), then takes a bite of a sandwich and fixes me with a clear-eyed gaze. Phoenix nods sagely and cocks her head to me, asks, “Why don’t parents let their kids sleep with them?”
A difficult and multifaceted question and I’m thinking of answering the whole, well-every-family-is-different, but also acknowledging some of the lack of nurture our larger culture supports, and the fact lots of people fill their lives up so much they feel strangled by the very wonderful people they are fortunate to have for a few moments on this earth, oh and then there’s parental squeamishness about sex matters, and so I start to respond, slowly: “Well some parents want their kids to…” –
and Phoenix supplies helpfully, “Cower in fear?”
Ha. Cower in fear. I completely love the way she expresses herself because it is entirely precise as to her intended meaning.
The other morning after sleepless night I watched, on a friend’s recommendation, my first Mae West film: She Done Him Wrong (1933) (featuring a VERY young Cary Grant as well). This same friend had told me I reminded her of West and really, I do like to get myself a remedial classic film education when I can make the time. As it turns out, a Mae West comparison is just about the most flattering thing ever. The movie was not very good but she sure was!
And in other news, my husband is pretty much the awesomest guy, kind of ever. As I type and fold laundry and marinate tri-tip and soak almonds and chop veggies for dinner I’m thinking of him across down, working late teaching his class. He’ll be home soon and then it will be the four of us together again and at least that’s something I can bank on.
wow. this is a good post kelly.
Aw, thanks. Today’s a day I really appreciate a compliment.
YOu know, even when you’re down, I sense a peace within you that you might not recognize in yourself. Keep trudging.
As a parent struggling with the pressure other ppl telling me to kick my kid out of my bed I am so glad there is someone out there that is on the same page as I am. Thanks for your honesty and gosh darn it I simply admire you. 🙂
I recommend “My Little Chickadee”, written by Mae West and starring her and W. C. Fields. It’s funny, though a bit disjointed. Plus it has Margaret Hamilton (the Wicked Witch of the West) in a small rôle. The best part is the end, where he appropriates her line “come up and see me sometime” and she responds with his “my little chickadee” line. The parting shot is her going upstairs with the words THE END overlaid on her rear end.
I’m touched by your kids’ sensitivity to the needs of others. It’s so beautiful to hear that there are children who really see the world around them and take an interest in fixing its problems, however small. I find it interesting that Phoenix and Nels find the problems locally; my Maeve is focused on the plight of the environment and children who live in poverty and is vocal about it. However, she often doesn’t see the problems which are local. I admire her drive to fix the world’s problems but am finding it difficult to get her to start small and local, which sometimes can have a greater impact.
When the winter looks dark to me, I find it sometimes helps if I sit outside (when it’s dry) bundled up against the cold and breathe in the smells of late fall and winter: wood smoke from the fireplaces, the cold air, the scent of the pine trees in the neighbor’s yard. Being still, looking at the stars and enjoying the quiet can be the perfect remedy for momentary bouts of depression, especially if you can come inside and have a big mug of cocoa afterwards and snuggle with the kids.
I loved this post too. Just know you have lots of people out here who care about you and think you’re seriously awesome!
I’m new to your web site and we’re new-ish to life learning/unschooling — my kids are *almost* 4 and *almost* 6, so we’ve been noodling the whole school issue for over a year as we tried to decide what to do as kindergarten approached. We finally settled on no school and couldn’t be happier — it just fits so well with our lives. Anyway, I’ve been enjoying your blog and LOVE your sewing! Wish I had the funds to commission you to provide my kids’ entire wardrobes.
Regarding the kids sleeping with parents question, I’m sure your kids are already fully aware of this, but there are some families who just choose to sleep separately because that’s what feels best for them. My kids LOVE their beds. They share a room and the 3-year-old just moved into the top bunk of their bunk beds (from his little toddler bed) a couple days ago and he can’t wait to go to bed each night. The giggling and singing and discussions that go on in their room at night and in the morning? Simply awesome. It’s their space and they totally own it. They’ve got their “buddies” (stuffed animals) all arranged and situated and stuff hanging on the walls around their beds. They never even ask to sleep with us and have never come in to get in bed with us in the middle of the night — they’ve always slept sound and DEEP and in long stretches since they were tiny infants. As for me, while I love daytime snuggling (and we do a lot of that during our day) I prefer space when I sleep. I’m not a sleep snuggler. None of us are — we just climb into our beds each night and Zzzzzzz.
Just thought I’d pass that along as one answer to questions about different sleep preferences. Although, their questions may have been about why some parents might not “let” their kids sleep with them, if that’s what the kids really want and need. In which case, I’ve typed a ridiculously long comment for no reason!
Sorry about your winter doldrums. We live in the Seattle area, so we’re all up in the grayness and darkness right along with you. Looking forward to longer days soon!
@k8
Weirdly I do feel like a very peaceful person… even though I am also prone to hyperaction and worry and sometimes very grouchy. “Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)” – Walt Whitman. Ha!
Thank you for “keep trudging” – that works for me.
@Evie
I think there are a lot of family-sleepers out there even with “big” kids! We’re just out of the closet about it, so to speak. Thank you for the comment, and thank you for the compliments!
@Heather
Thank you!
@Jen
My Little Chickadee was the film that precipitated the Mae West discussion as our local theatre recently played the film, and it was a theatre friend who recommended her films to me. I missed it this last showing but I’ll put it on my list. Thanks!
For Maeve to be ten and still holding onto that fierce sense of justice and empathy for other people (ones she does not daily “see”, no less) is huge, a total Win. I love to hear of stories with children like that… they can teach us so much.
@c
Thank you for stopping by and thank you for the compliments. If you ever see something you’re just dying for I may mail it to you. Free gratis. Sometimes I sew something just for the heck of it… or my kids grow out of something that retains its original hardihood (this actually is often). I always want my homesewn to find the right place. If people can pay me, great. If they can’t, great. I’m getting ready to donate a bunch of items to our local shelter.
Oh wow, really? I have two boys, so I’m always interested in stuff that’s… different. And cool. And hip. Your creations definitely hit on all marks. So, I would happily take anything that is outgrown. We are a one income family, but I’d send you any $ that I can! You can see the two little buggers on Flickr to get an idea of who we’re dealing with over here — the pics are private, but I added you.
@c
For some odd reason I can’t “find” your username on Flickr… please send me a Flickrmail or an email at kelly AT hogaboom DOT org because I’d love to see you all!