Ralph, Phoenix and I have just returned from attending “Erase the Hate”, a community discussion project curated by the Matthew Shepard Foundation. The event was less of a discussion than I’d thought it would be, but was nevertheless a great presentation and talk delivered by Thomas B. Howard, Jr., Ed.M.
During the introductory video I cried silently and rather fluidly.
Howard’s subsequent speech and presentation kept me on the edge of my seat (not so much for Phoenix, who after two hours flagged a bit). I was also very pleasantly surprised to see how intersectionalist the Foundation’s work is – the stated missions as expressed on their site’s FAQ are rock solid and were borne out tonight.
Dr. Howard made it clear his personal eschewal for the “kids will be kids” excuse in response to bullying activity and resultant harm and suicide in our nation’s youth population; he emphatically stated, “Kids will be the kids we teach them to be.” Yes, yes, a hundred times yes. I found myself fervently wishing for more strong, compassionate and proactive leaders of Howard’s ilk in the lives of our young people.
He also expressed his opinion the “athletic white male” and white males in general have incredible privilege they can leverage to make things better for marginalized and abused populations. Yes, again. Another strong point in a very strong presentation.
But there was deep sadness for me in this event, too.
I knew schools were oppressive for marginalized groups but I didn’t realize how much. Near tonight’s conclusion one young white man stood up and after thanking Howard profusely announced his intention to start a GSA at his own high school – Hoquiam. He also said he was the only out gay male in the school. This bothered me quite a bit. I went to this same school and graduated sixteen years ago; at that time we had one “out” male student (who was mistreated horribly). Sixteen years and youth still aren’t safe?
A handful of other young people stood up and told part of their stories. It was clear that although the college campus is generally experienced as a bit more inclusive, the problems in our public schools are quite severe. In support of my impressions Howard said today’s conversation at Hoquiam High School had been a good one but Aberdeen was “the worst school he’d been to.” He said he was not so upset at the disrespect of the students but because the adults in power did nothing to stop it. This is very grievous indeed, but is substantiated by other experiences I’ve read about regarding this school (see: “ALCU Files Lawsuit on Behalf of Harassed Student” ; you can read the school district’s response here, where sadly and predictably they deny they did anything wrong or have any responsibility for Russell’s experience.)
It seemed like everyone left smiling and relaxed – in one attendant’s view, “empowered”. I felt quite disturbed and sad. First, I would expect most attendants tonight to be those who already supported many aims of the Foundation – and it was hardly a full house. If this small populace does not take their inspiration tonight and continue to meet the rest of the world with strength and compassion and an improved listening ability, I worry change will continue at a glacial pace. Secondly, I feel anger and sadness about the larger community that does not task themselves to do better. And I was and am rattled to hear the testimonies from within school.
I did take some comfort: it appeared many of the young students there (Phoenix was the youngest but there were students from age thirteen and up) took a lot of strength from what they saw. This is a good thing, probably even an essential one. At the end of all this, for me, I simply have to believe people who said they found the work helpful. I can’t let myself get cynical or apathetic.
And on that note, today I stumbled across “Born This Way” and read through a few entries. Not quite enough, not yet, to feel better. But a good start.
***
In additional news: today the Hogaboom kids announced their intentions to convert to vegetarianism (they haven’t quite grasped how near-impossible this is to do if eating out, ever, in Hoquiam and Aberdeen). I am not super-surprised as we’ve been watching the typical glut of nature films lately and both kids have been expressing a high degree of compassion and empathy for animal life; for quite some time they’ve also been aware of big agriculture processes (as opposed to our happier chickens, for instance). I am a good enough cook with regards to vegetarian fare but – three meals a day for four people! Yikes! Recipe sources that don’t suck and aren’t boring are highly appreciated!
The Hogakids want to convert to vegetarianism? I don’t know of any good recipe sites, as I am a very stubborn carnivore, but I do have some friends in the Olympia area who are vegetarians.
If you’d like, I can see if they’re okay with me putting you in email or phone contact with them, to share recipe tips. They feed a family of seven on a vegetarian diet, and I thought the stuff that Wendy made while I was there was fantastic (despite the lack of meats).
@justin
LULZ, here six hours later Nels is already telling me he’s going to be a vegetarian AND eat “everything”. But last night he told me with empathetic tears in his eyes he’d “NEVER EAT SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS AGAIN!” (previously a much-beloved dish. I don’t know how his mind works sometimes. I’ll just cook veggie and he’ll be fine, I’m sure.
Yes, hook me up with your friends! I’ve of course seen many recipes online and in books but very few recipes that have really given me that “soul food” feeling we need now and then.
Thank you for helping me.
vegetariantimes.com (Vegetarian Times Magazine) is a fantastic resource.
We went mostly vegetarian about 14 months ago..we do eat fish occasionally at restaurants if they do not have any true vegetarian options – we also have 2 kids, but they are 1 & almost 3, so they don’t require full meals yet, however, they eat all their veggies all the time! 🙂
“I knew schools were oppressive for marginalized groups but I didn’t realize how much. Near tonight’s conclusion one young white man stood up and after thanking Howard profusely announced his intention to start a GSA at his own high school – Hoquiam. He also said he was the only out gay male in the school. This bothered me quite a bit. I went to this same school and graduated sixteen years ago; at that time we had one “out†male student (who was mistreated horribly). Sixteen years and youth still aren’t safe?”
I find this really interesting. I don’t have a whole lot of contact with high school-aged kids right now so I have no idea how things are for LGBT teens. I think there is an organization for LGBT teens in DC that helps them – many are homeless in the region, according to an article I heard on local public radio. I contrast this with the experience I do have from the past, when I was teaching high school in 1998-2000. I had several gay students who were in various stages of coming out and, curiously, they were all African-American. I found this surprising, since we were in Fayetteville, NC, both a military town and a Southern one. And the students were both male and female. Some were already out and didn’t care who knew and then a few came out to me quietly, not realizing that I’d already guessed at it. I was glad that they felt comfortable enough to talk to me. Anyway, the idea that there are some places where kids still are marginalized and afraid to be themselves 10 years after I left my teaching job is rather surprising, to say the least. Maybe with the repeal of DADT we will see a change of attitude in the general public which will, if not welcome LGBT individuals with open arms, at least allow them to be themselves without threat of loss of job, friends, home, etc.
RE: vegetarian meals, I highly recommend all the cookbooks published by the Moosewood Restaurant, an excellent vegetarian restaurant in Ithaca, NY. You should be able to get them through the library, I would think. My personal favorite is “Moosewood Restaurant Low-Fat Favorites”, which has their recipe for a wonderful butternut squash soup, as well as stuffed mushrooms and these spinach and rice balls that are really yummy. They have a recipe archive on their website:
http://www.moosewoodrestaurant.com/recipes_archive.html
There’s even a recipe for Shepherd’s pie made with tofu!
I live in Toronto, in a country where same-sex marriage is legal and Sexual orientation is a protected status against discrimination and we still have problems with homophobia and anti-gay bullying. Repealing DADT is no magic bullet to ending it anymore than having a black president was a magic bullet to ending racism.
That hate and fear have been around a long time but don’t underestimate the importance of taking your kid to a talk like that and talking to him or her about it. If he’s gay you’re sending a powerful message of love and support, if he’s straight your raising a kid who’s that much less likely to be a bystander when someone is being bullied, and trust me, that powerful.
On a lighter note, I have a blog full of vegetarian recipes: http://foodforthat.blogspot.com
@Kristin – you’re right, it certainly isn’t a magic bullet. However, once all the people who are currently serving and are gay come out, it may just open the eyes of some of the biggest perpetrators of anti-gay feeling in the military. As a military spouse for the past 15 years, I’ve seen that the army has a tendency to attract many people whose views are very narrow when it comes to homosexuality, in both the officer and the enlisted ranks. Working side by side with openly gay people has the potential to change the minds of those individuals and, as many of those individuals have small children, may even change the attitudes of their kids. It’s not a way to end hateful behavior based on sexual orientation but it’s a large step, given the number of military members across all the forces.
My family is vegetarian and we love two cookbooks: Madhur Jaffrey’s World Vegetarian and Deborah Madison’s Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone. If I had to choose only one cookbook to move overseas with it would be Madison’s – easy, tasty and totally comprehensive.
Good luck with the switch! It takes a bit of practice to get used to cooking and eating vegetarian meals, but after 10 years I only rarely miss meat in my diet.
First of all thanks, all, for starting a civil and awesome discussion about a difficult topic!
Secondly thank you – all of you – for the veggie resources (longterm readers know I have some experience as we went veg for some time when we first moved to HQX). I have Madhur’s book (somewhere… and I do like it). I checked out Madison’s book some time ago and it was so huge I found it unwieldy! I may give it another try.
Fresh veg isn’t so great this time of year but of course we are fortunate to be able to afford, and to prioritize, organic food and good food.
So again – thank you thank you thank you.
@Jen
Military culture is something very few outsiders could understand unless they made a serous study. For some reason your thoughts reminded me of Brian Safi’s thoughts on the topic, specifically the recruitment vignette.
@Kristin
Thank you for supporting us in taking our Phoenie to this. Since she was by far the youngest attendant I wondered if people judged us for bringing such a young child to the event where there was a frank discussion about horrific violence (physical, emotional, verbal, etc). In the larger context of our parenting I have no doubts this did not traumatize or scare her and nor did the larger points escape her notice. I feel exhilarated at sharing this journey with our kids.
I want to thank you and your family for attending this event.
Thomas read me your blog the next day as we headed to Montesano to present to the high school students there. He was moved by your blog. He asked if I knew you and I laughed out loud and said “yup since third grade.” He asked what family you were and I told him the stories you and Ralph shared. He immediately remembered who you were. He was still upset about what had happened to Ralph.
I witnessed all seven of his presentations and they were all moving in a different ways.
I think that it is great that you brought Phoenix to the presentation. Having open and honest conversations with our children will help effect that change in the generations to come.
@Jen
Thank you for commenting and sharing. I’m pleased Thomas took something valuable from reading here. He clearly works hard. He is still with me today… he made quite an impression on me. I thought he did a wonderful job and I am very impressed with what I see of the Foundation.
Did you notice, yesterday’s newspaper was full of writers tasking our community to do better (in response to the front-page coverage of the “Erase the Hate” presentation and Aberdeen HS). I get knots in my stomach thinking of the backlash we’ll see in the papers today… or tomorrow.
I also had someone write me to make a point about “gay bashing in rural areas”. Because you know, homophobia and resultant violence ONLY exists in communities like ours. Sheesh.