Friday links, better late than never!
Parenting
Furor over the supposed superiority of Chinese mothers! This little WSJ article got people rather fired up. And it should. I first heard mention by Jim Lin on Twitter – entirely pissed at anyone claiming they can “speak for the entire Chinese Am[erican] population”.
Other criticisms and responses followed; here are two I enjoyed:
“Tales of a Chinese daughter: On the superiority or not of Amy Chua’s Chinese mothers” by Elaine Chow. Some sobering realities of pushed-to-perform Chinese adult children.
“I’m Not a Chinese Mother (Obviously!)” at Rational Jenn’s blog. Are “Western” and “Chinese” methods really so different at heart?
Human Rights & Heartbreak
Hm, is this Lego depiction of Stephen Hawkings “wrong”? Or is it a very-well executed likeness (like so many others) of someone who should be not pitied or laughed at for his physicality and existence? TABs, check your shit!
“The Agonizing Last Words of Bill Zeller”. A rape victim speaks out and speaks his last. Deeply devastating to read; trigger-warning, obviously.
Ladyness
“Women Laughing Alone With Salad”
Not since YOGURT has there been something so fucking fan-lady-tastic as virtuous salad-eating!!!!
Informative (Sorta)
“Mass dying of animals plotted on Google map”
Media
The Great Gatsby in 3D. For real? Perhaps. Ta-Nehesi Coates’ take.
“I miss Patrick Swayze”. Me too.
Make/Craft
Felt Hot Pads at The Purl Bee
Men’s shirt sewalong at Male Pattern Boldness, starting February 1st. I have this pattern. Any readers want to join?
Super-Special Adultist Roundup Bonus Edition!
“The Unspeakable, in Its Jammies” by Michael Chabon
A father edits Huck Finn whilst reading aloud to his children and writes about it (in what appears to be a self-congratulatory and patriarchal way but – perhaps I am reading into it) and people puke in their mouths about how awesome a dad he is. Yes, predictably the commentstream is full of glowing praise that may be at least partially (or like, lots) inspired by a darling-status afforded the author by the neo-progressive literati blah-blah.
Make no mistake, and I do realize the previous paragraph represents a slight binge of as-disavowed-during-2011 snark, sharing one’s love (of literature, of the arts, of sport, of fishing, of political history, of engine rebuilds on giant Ford trucks) is an awesome prerogative for parents/carers; we grownups also have the responsibility to protect our children when needed and to share our values with them (although they are not always learning the values we think we’re teaching). I pass no particular referendum on Chabon’s parenting choices as expressed but rather I am disturbed by the response and the template this response furthers. Namely, that of a “progressive” and adultist parent’s agenda: good literature (if it’s so good why do so many think they need to force it on children and tell them what to think? Our efforts are needed in nurturing children so they can choose and ingest from an authentic and whole place), “teaching”, and values lectured into your kids’ faces – because kids aren’t smart or complex enough to form their own opinions AND (this part bugs me most) kids don’t need to be asked for their thoughts, and listened to – before a discussion commences. Notice the rather lengthy lecture directed to a seven and nine year old who apparently sit rapt on daddy’s knee, or if they don’t, at least not one person in the commentstream besides myself suggest value in asking what the children’s perspectives were on race, social order, and class at conversation outset (make no mistake, children have perspectives) because these things are formed top-down (one comment: “Seven year old recognizes “Injun” as offensive but needs an explanation of “nigger”?” Yeah, I wondered about that too.).
Believe it or not, when you ask kids and really listen, and ask a bit more? You can learn a lot. Up to and including some humility and a little less developed role of self-importance.
Quotable
“Children learn how to make good decisions by making decisions, not by following directions.” – Alfie Kohn
Random Awesomeness
I’ve been watching more “Reno 911!” (very sad the newer season I’m watching changed actors; now women are significantly less represented on the cast). It’s pretty impossible to pick from all the excellence but I did find a Terry clip I thought I’d share.
| RENO 911! | ||||
| Terry’s Fiancee | ||||
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Awesome.
Rolling in your 5.0 with your ragtop down so your hair can blow?
Oh, Amy Chua. I have gone through several stages with this woman and what she has to say, but generally it comes down to feeling very sorry for her daughters and being pissed that this woman has been given a platform to voice her ideas (really, calling your daughter “garbage” and “fatty” is constructive? and physical violence is the best way to get her to play piano well?) and to perpetuate her stereotypes on Asian parents and on lazy, underachieving Americans.
This all strikes a nerve for me because I grew up in an authoritarian household where in addition to the verbal and emotional abuse (and in my brothers’ cases, physical abuse) we had no financial or emotional support for the things we were supposed to do in life (so that I worked over 30 hours a week in high school to save for college, because I knew that I had to get out of the house after I graduated but needed to pay for it myself, and had no guidance on where to apply, how to apply, etc).
I also can’t help but feel that she is so intent on promoting her philosophies/belief system because she herself is a refugee of the abusive system she is perpetuating — in order to normalize her own experiences, she must continue and promote the same.
OK, off of my soapbox now. This is the first place I have felt comfortable discussing this (someone on the preschool mailing list sent her article around, but I was still so upset by reading the whole thing that I didn’t feel that anything I would write would be well-thought-out).
Where did you get the Spock image? That is fucking awesome.
When I first read that piece I came from my place and my family background – a fairly relaxed parental home where my worth was not based on performance – mostly, although I was praised for my good grades (damaging, but more later on that). I always wondered if my parents should have pushed me more to excel at stuff. They didn’t push me into sports or music or anything. Perhaps reading and ruminating on Chua’s piece I can put to rest (finally) the concept that they should have, because if they would have, my life would be worth more today. For one thing – what a lot more work to heap on them! They were a blessing to me in that they genuinely enjoyed their time at home and our life together. If they would have lived vicariously through my brother and I that would have been eroded.
Over time as I read the piece I began to wonder how traumatizing it might be for adult children to read, who were raised in that way. Not just Chinese or Chinese-American household children. I imagine children raised that way will have a hard time not always evaluating themselves, remembering the time they washed out of of something, judging and hating the 15 or 20 or however many pounds they’ve put on since they were a teen, constantly self-evaluating… Then to read this glowing endorsement of these methods. For me it was simply deeply sad and I felt so scared and devastated for the kiddos. For those raised this way (altho’ it’s a false construct to say I was raised outside of this; any parental model that uses shame and praise is tapping into what Chua’s talking about)… it must hurt.
Adults absolutely promote abusive ways they were raised. “It did me good.†It is simply too terrifying for many grownups to admit how badly they were wronged, because then they would have to face the agonizing questions: “Did my parents love me?†and “How could they have done this to me?â€. They’d have to realize just what their parents did to a vulnerable child. It would make them sick and scared. Many adult children internalize the message they “deserved†how they were raised. I have had many perfectly nice awesome people who would never assault a grownup, staunchly defend hitting children (“spankingâ€) as not only a right and prerogative for parents, but as totally different than hitting any other type of human being.
Thanks so much for stepping in. Out of all the Chua discussion, personal stories have been my favorite to listen to.
I don’t remember where I got Spock! I find some pretty random stuff on the inter-netz.
I have yet to read the Amy Chua articles but it’s funny that you have mentioned them because this week Michele Martin of the NPR program, Tell Me More, had a discussion with moms of color about the book and they had interesting things to say about it. You can hear it at the Tell Me More page on the NPR site – it’s the show from Jan. 13th.
@Jen
Thank you for the recommendation!