This morning when I woke up I observed my daughter had found a discarded t-shirt of mine and slipped it on and slept in it all night.
Which I love, more than anything.
OK so, aw hells yes! Another Friday and I am scaling back my linkage, or trying to, still. And what-do-you-know, I’m still on some very similar topics. Well OH WELL, what can I say, I am just very excited about them all!
“I don’t love you enough” by Jeff Sabo. This piece is a worthwhile refution of the “tough love” sentiment and just how bad things have gotten if you’re proud of “stalking” your child.
P.S. I emailed Jeff and he told me his blog should be up and for public viewing (earlier there were problems).
On the please-do-not-do-it-this-way parenting bit, here are some “treasures” from Love & Logic (a parenting/teaching philosophy fairly popular in my peer set which demonstrates the phenomenal and deep-level breakdown of trust that many mainstream parenting strategies perpetrate). Here’s their most recent update, on some “tough love” (same ol’ same ol’, although L&L seems to hold itself as something different than typical old-school punishment techniques) regarding shoplifting; then follow this with this delightful screed comparing children to “growling and foaming at the mouth” “rabid dogs”. Fun!
Sandra Dodd: Unschooling & Real Learning, a six and a half minute clip of a Sandra Dodd interview that I like (what she says between 0:50 and 1:01 gives me the shudders… because I have seen and experienced this firsthand). I like the word “unschooling” less and less – not that I have any problem with others using it. Maybe I’ll write more about that soon.
“Iron-deficiency is not something you get just for being a lady” by Dr. Kathryn Clancy. Consider your blog FOLLOWED, Doctor-Woman!
“Lactate Your Ass Off (Or Not)”; JJ Keith drops some realities regarding breastfeeding and “baby weight”. I notice people brag about losing their baby weight (which helps other people feel terrible about themselves for this or that reason). What I know now is, that’s a pretty individualistic thing and people should consider STFU on the whole thing.
Michelle Allison asked her readers what questions they’d have for her regarding food, nutrition, and eating competence: “how to eat in front of other people” was number one (this is quite sobering and sad). The pdf material she provided in response is incredible. Even if one doesn’t think they have any issues with disordered eating, a read-through is highly recommended.
“Real Quick: Actresses who eat things are FASCINATING” by Lesley Kinzel. Ha! Nail, hit on the head. Also, “fatassery” is the best word I’ve heard this week.
Fringey streamers at Oh Happy Day
Guess what’s gonna be happening in our house this next week. KOREAN COOKERY!
National Geographic‘s Photo of the Day, won’t you?
Minecraft + pharmaceutical humor! (WIN) (& – thanks, Ryan!)
Three years ago, Valentine by yours truly (and yes, this still happens to me)
Back to the future by photographer Irina Werning. ZOMG do I love this times one hundred.
Action Figure Slow Motion Punches:
Of winter’s lifeless world each tree
Now seems a perfect part;
Yet each one holds summer’s secret
Deep down within its heart. – Charles G. Stater
That “Parenting with Love and Logic” link, whoo boy, that is gross. The energy drain technique sounds remarkably like what cults use to brainwash people on a smaller scale. Humiliation, social isolation, forcing them to endure some physical hardship, bringing them to a point of exhaustion, then expressing concern and pity when they can’t take anymore and offering food to reimprint the bio-survival circuit on the caregiver. Follow that up with that old chestnut, “I do this because I love you. I have sacrificed for you. You should be thankful and find a way to repay me.” Well it is damn effective for producing desired behaviors, but creepy as hell.
As I was awoken at 3:30 am with a likely premenstrual migraine I lay in bed with the suffering feeling and thought, “Damn- am I anemic or what?” So it is with great interest that I read the article on iron-deficiency anemia. Thanks so much for the timely link.
I am not, however, looking forward to trying to determine if the iron-deficiency anemia that comes and goes in waves throughout my life is actually caused by internal bleeding in the digestive system. However- that would fit better with the food allergies I experience, which are inherently a digestive phenomena even though the symptoms are respiratory and sinus.
Hopefully Chinese Medicine is holistic enough to bring the system into balance for me.
OK- also on the Love and Logic, because Rachelle’s comment intrigued me,
“Listen to Love and Logic Magic When Kids Drain Your Energy and master the art of using the “Energy Drain Technique.” Repetition is the key to learning, so keep the CD in your car and listen frequently. And, it doesn’t hurt if the kids hear it. The beauty of Love and Logic is that even if the kids know what you’re doing, they can’t do anything about it.”
Yeah- isn’t that the beauty of being oppressed? Even when you know it’s oppressive, will-breaking mind control, you’re five and you can’t do anything about it. I’ve been turned off by Love and Logic before, but the above comment by Jim Fay seems heartlessly unapologetic, and just down right not developmentally appropriate at all.
also- that minecraft comic is quite funny. That, is all.
The “Love & Logic” links — wow. “Creepy” is definitely a word that came to mind as I read. Nice way to treat your kid like he/she is not at all a human being. I’d heard of L&L, but really had no clue what it was about until a friend of mine recently sent me a link (which I just tried to find, but can’t) that was talking about their recommended method of giving kids lots of little pointless choices throughout the day so that they will “think” they have a lot of control over their lives, so that you can then control the really “important” things. The manipulation! And it just seems to be a way of treating someone who you have so little respect for and consider incapable and unintelligent and, mostly, way beneath you. Ugh.
I’m curious to hear your thoughts on the term “unschooling” because I’ve never loved it. Although, my reasoning is mostly that I just don’t like labels — I like to say that we’re just living. Same goes for the term “atheist”, though, for me. I don’t like to put myself in just about any category. I’m just me.
I love the fringey streamers!!
P.S. Regarding the term “unschooling” — just wanted to clarify that I definitely don’t have a problem with its existence and others using it. I even use it sometimes to help explain what we’re doing, or in conversation with people living similarly. I just don’t love labels and don’t define our lives with that term.
Ralph and I actually read a L&L book and went to a training in it… maybe three years ago? At the time I remember thinking I could see how it might “work”, maybe… but also thinking REALLY? as a parent you’ve always gotta be thinking of the smarter/bigger consequence, including making phone calls and arranging elaborate schemes to ZING! your kiddo? (As if being a parent isn’t enough work already!). Really, as a parent you train a child like a dog? What about those kids who are cogent as hell and from an early age are going to intuit what you are doing to them – and hate your ass (and actually, focus a lot of their energy on taking umbrage at YOU, instead of on their own growth)? What about the kids who will be raised fearful and afraid to take risk, as an adult? In fact for the same reasons Laurie Couture writes about with regard to spanking – points involving neurological and developmental realities as well as spiritual and logical worldviews – I now can’t condone any punitive parenting as a good plan to freely adopt.
I think one reason L&L is seductive is because it frames itself as loving. SInce most parents/carers do (deeply) love their children, and they WANT to keep their kids safe (now and for the future), and since most parents believe they have the right and responsibility to “mold” their child – well, heck, I’m surprised L&L isn’t more popular than it is.
Thanks both of you for your points on L&L. Truly your perspective framed it in ways I hadn’t seen it.
“I am not, however, looking forward to trying to determine if the iron-deficiency anemia that comes and goes in waves throughout my life is actually caused by internal bleeding in the digestive system.”
I know, right? Yikes!
Thanks for the link to the article on anemia – I had Scott read it because I’m always working to make sure that he doesn’t fall into the “male doctor know-it-all” trap, hee hee. Interestingly, my mom has had the endoscopy not too long ago, but not because of anemia. She says it’s torturous at the very least.
Endoscopies and colonoscopies sound horrible. Although I’ve had friends & family who claim they’re not that bad. Full-sedation, please. < shudder >
I think I am the fourth person to quote this: ” The beauty of Love and Logic is that even if the kids know what you’re doing, they can’t do anything about it.”. But wow! WOW! Where did this shit come from, Stalin? It should be titled, “how to make your kids hate you so much that they run away by the time they’re fourteen.”.
Forgive me, but your few sentences make me feel quite chatty!
“It should be titled, ‘how to make your kids hate you so much that they run away by the time theyâ€™re fourteen.'”
Right, and then – even more than toddlers, what group of minors does our culture love to disparage? Teenagers. You know, those teenagers who are so (finally) eaten away with anger, fear, confusion, anxiety, resentment, etc. they start to show BIG symptoms? Ugh. One of my favorite things is to talk to teens and ask them about their perceptions, their reality. I don’t even have to “fix” their problems, just acknowledge their reality, and it often seems appreciated. For some of them, you can tell this is a rare event.
“make your kids hate you” – not all kids respond to this with parental-hate, they hate themselves instead, or the parts of themselves their parents could not tolerate and never found a better way to assist with… many if not most kids-cum-adults internalize they deserved this treatment: this reinforces the cultural concept that kids really ARE inherent shits, etc. etc. I have heard many grownups proudly tout their parents’ oppressive and authoritarian strategies as a *good* thing, proof the parents loved them. For years I believed my parents were more “right” about my nature than I was… but now I know better.
Also, parental strictness, when you end up in relatively fortunate circumstances, can retroactively become a story about why you deserve the nice things you have (a good job, or money, or life free of addiction, etc) while disregarding advantages you’ve had. Like you can tell yourself a fable about how FRUGAL your parents were, and that you learned to be frugal because they instilled this in you, and that’s why you’re not living on the streets. Really you’re just happy as hell not to suffer in a way that seems terrifying, and you don’t want to think it’s nothing to do with merit (because that’s terrifying too), and you think yourself a pretty good person, so bingo! Magic! You deserve it because you “earned” it. It’s a good way to distance yourself from those who have life a lot harder… a good way to try to believe you are separate (and will be reprieved) from those less fortunate or those more socially maligned anyway.
Parents can love you and still do some horrid, misled, harmful, or inappropriate shit they never should have done. It’s too painful – or perhaps near neurologically-discouraged? – for many perfectly-grown people to get their minds around that though (again, Laurie’s article had good exposition there). And even those who can know with acuity where their parents went wrong for them, don’t necessarily have a blueprint for how to do things differently and/or don’t cope well when like some kind of bad burrito their own upbringing comes out of them despite their best efforts. I’d like to think I can help provide a bit of that, if people are interested.
Conversely if you’re a parent/carer who loves your kids (which is, uh, most) this doesn’t mean you aren’t making Big Ass Mistakes even this very minute, no! The challenges: number one, stop pretending if we feel lovey-feelings we’re doing good enough. Number two: accept we are going to screw up, and sometimes not in cute sitcom-y ways but big ones. Number three: believe in the love without having to “prove” it… so we can use our hearts, guts, and minds to parent, instead of reflexive habits or herd mentality ass-outs. Number four: it’s an option to not do better as a parent just like it’s an option to put in half-assed on other things (free will). Really, you are the one wreaking the rewards or whatever, you are the one who has to live with the reality of what you’re doing to another human being (although so does that human being).
So that’s for the grownups/parents/carers who LIKE kids. If you’re a parent/grownup who *dislikes* kids well, you’re a bigot, but then I suspect by now not too many of those read here?
Sorry for the LONG comment… but thank you for your briefer one! 🙂