Aw, I miss my dad so much. There’s so much in my life I didn’t get to share with him. He didn’t get to share the journey we’ve had in not-schooling our kids. He’s missed my sobriety in adulthood. He’s missed knowing my kids at an older age – and they’ve missed knowing him. He and my husband had a wonderful, wonderful friendship. Now that I think on it I’m not sure Ralph has had a friendship like it before or since.
I have a lot of my father’s nature. I am intelligent and I have a good memory. I have his beaky nose and tiny angry eyes. I have his suspicion of human authority and for many years I had his slightly pessimistic agnosticism coupled with a rather sedate moral code. I have his confidence; a confidence in my ability to do things well, if I want to do them. I have his knowledge of Choice, which lends me to playing the victim a little less than I might otherwise. Things are changing within me lately – and I am becoming calmer and less afraid – traits I associate with him. He was pretty calm. And he was pretty gentle in most all the ways that mattered. I’m not sure how many people have grown up with a gentle father.
I also, sometimes, display the dark and nasty sense of humor he had. A few weeks back my mom and I were in Olympia looking for a park for the kids (which they’d mowed down for office buildings, I think, bravo!). Mom and I saw this little wine shop she instantly adored. My mom exclaimed, “Oh look, that place looks very cool!” and I said without skipping a beat, “It’s probably full of baby boomer douchebags.” She laughed and swatted at me and said, “Okay, David!” It’s true, I’ll occasionally hear something come out of my mouth like that. My husband comments too. It’s pretty funny really.
Dad, I really, really miss you. We had so many laughs, seriously (seriously!). I remember I’d walk over and you’d be in the yard pulling a weed and you’d leave the weed where it was and come inside to sit with coffee, because you didn’t give a fuck much about weeding. You’d sit at the kitchen table and play solitaire with cards so soft and old and rounded-edged that new cards have always looked obscene to me.
By the way you were someone who gave me the right advice, and I haven’t found someone else to replace that relationship. That sucks.
I’ll love you fiercely until the day I die at the very least.
Nine months old.
I am so sorry, Kelly. I really enjoy the way you write about your father. We should all be so lucky as to be observed so well and so wholly by our children, I think. I am glad that you are struck, all the time by the sounds of it, by the continuity between the past and the present. Thank you for posting this, and take care.
@Medrie
Thank you for reading, and your (as always) kind comments.
This is a really great photo – I love how he has his arms wrapped around your middle, like he’s protecting you, holding you up and not wanting to let you go all at once, strong and gentle at the same time. And his gaze is so direct. I’m so sorry that he’s not there for you anymore, to give you the support you need, to see what wonderful grandkids he has, and to share with them their adventures. I understand that loss a little, since my own dad is gone (though everyone’s loss is unique and special to them), and I know what it’s like as an adult to sometimes want that dependable solidity that is a father’s wisdom and reassurance.
@Jen
Thank you, and you are very kind. Yes, he had a direct gaze. Sometime I’ll write about it more.