I got to follow a three year old around today while his mama was occupied at a child-unfriendly event.* It was a wonderful and terrible thing. Wonderful because I had my head straight as to what a three year old needs (to run around and be followed, to have questions answered and to have my calm attention. To be taken to a nearby pet store. Quite simple, really!) and it was a joy to enjoy this little one and to help his mother who has no family and rarely gets help at these events that I’ve seen.
Terrible? Why so? Well, I gritted my teeth thinking of how poorly I’d done for my own kids when they were little, and how poorly I’ve done since, I still do, because I can’t shake my residual training and my bad habits. But back then, yeah, I just couldn’t figure out, back when I had babies, that it was my environs that were so often fucked up, making little practical room for what children need and extending very little assistance to carers, usually mothers, who were responsible for all this (Arwyn’s written about this a lot better than I can). I just ate myself up trying to make myself and my kids not inconvenient, I gulped conversation with other moms at the park when the kids would play, I was dying for time out of pressure, which is why I lose the compassion and love people often tell me I have when I hear some weekend dad or non-carer or non-parent complain about moms who take kids to the park and don’t play with them or text or whatever. Like, seriously, playing with kids is awesome, but prescribing it when seeing a beleaguered mama population at one of the few places kids are allowed to run around and make noise? Please directly Go Fuck Yourself, and I mean it in the kindest of ways, I’ll wait for you to get back.
…
Yeah, my husband used to get pissed we’d go to a film with the young kids and he’d end up taking the squirrelly one out to the lobby and miss some of the movie. He still gets this way sometimes. I understand he’s pissed but I mean, shit that’s what I had to deal with my nine-hour shift out in public day after day after day after day (go into the coffee shop and a person with a laptop sitting at a fourtop who gives us an icy glare and others ignore us, outside at a picnic table and a kiddo runs across the grass and not one person laughs and gently herds young child to safety, but people look up angrily for – ME), and that’s been so much, so many years of my life, my child(ren) unwelcome unless he/she/they were silent and near immobile (I hear it’s not like that everywhere) when he/she/they wanted to ask questions, to talk, to run, to climb, the very things they really should be doing and not just when they’re tiny but I think for many many early years.
And yeah there are situations and people and oases that get that kids are part of the population, and those are lovely. But seriously I mean this event today, apparently people expected a three year old to sit quietly, and no there was nothing at all for the kid to do, no room to play in, nothing (a seven hour event). I am not upset about the event or even thinking about it much, truly, I’m upset about my stupidity when I was a younger mom, about how hard I worked to be “good” and to have “good” kids, and about all the twisted stuff this set up within me and how much I sacrificed and how much less I enjoyed my kids, the most lovely people on this earth to me.
It just fucking kills me.
I dunno, sometimes I think since we all spent a lot of time being kids, maybe some of us should consider regularly putting some time in a grimy parking lot keeping a three year old safe (and actually having a good time with him because he was lovely) so Mama can have thirty minutes to breathe, have a cup of coffee, or take care of her other responsibilities. When we see a child run across the street we can slow down and laugh and wave and say, “Careful!” and smile, or take a few minutes and talk to a child, because who are we to be in such a Big Goddamned Important Hurry we can’t acknowledge some of the most vulnerable and impressionable and inexperienced and (usually) disempowered populations of the human race, the very creatures who decide the fate of the planet and who might stand to grow up free and lovely and well-taught and loved-up instead of – pained and anxious and servile and scared and angry?
Eh, besides other mamas in my life – who were also themselves working so hard – very few people helped me in these generous and level ways when the kids were little, or maybe many did but the intolerance and ignorance of others was way more, or at least loudest in my ears. I can’t change that I internalized all this as being Not Good Enough and I Need To Work Myself Harder and Sit Still and Be QUIET! or we’re GOING HOME! But I can, as long as I’m able, remember to look out for and be loving to little ones and their carers. I guess if there’s one thing I’ve gained it’s that. It’s that I knew to offer this woman time. It wasn’t much but I didn’t see anyone else volunteering.
And the little guy S. was more excited about a fiddler crab at that pet shop than anything. And you know what, now that I spent a minute checking it out, I discovered a fiddler crab is pretty fucking awesome.
*I don’t know what else to call it but “child-unfriendly”. I mean people weren’t MEAN but there was no provision made for kids at all, besides crayons, you know? My brain is tired, maybe one of my smart comment-donors will come up with a better phrase.
“It just fucking kills me.”
been there. done that. bought the damn T-shirt.
it is far past fucking time for us to cut up those T-shirts and make an awesome go-fuck-yourself flag and wave it loud and proud!
Yes, yes and yes.
I just found out a few weeks ago that we’re having another little human join the fam…sometime around the end of January. I’m looking fondly forward to much of it and have also been thinking about the realities of what that will mean (much of what you mention here.)
As you said about the fiddler crab, serving as a host/chaperone for a youngster for a brief period of time like this is often more than helping out the parent…there is something to be gained in what appears from the outside to be a completely altruistic act.
Last night, Jeremy and I went and watched the Cave of Forgotten Dreams, in 3D no less. These paintings, many of which were done over 30,000 years ago, were amazing. The horses are running along the walls (8 legs moving), the lions are chasing their prey…as the artist drew them with many outlines to show them in motion as well. One of the French archaeologists in the cave said he couldn’t go in after 5 days because looking upon the drawings was causing too much to bubble up in him and he had to take some time to let it integrate. He talked about how modern humans can’t even try to decipher the meaning of these paintings or what the cave was used for because we are so far removed from the reality of it all…and then he told the story of an Aborigine in Northern Australia who entered into a hieroglyphic cave there and became saddened that the paint on the drawings was fading. He immediately began to redraw and paint what was on the walls and the archeologist with him asked him why he was painting. He said matter-of-factly, “I’m not painting,” and when the scientist asked him who was, he replied, “The Spirit.”
This story is a metaphor for so much for me, but in this case…a real representation of our relationship with children – who show an intimate connection to the world, a relationship with imagination that most adults have lost and an ability to connect with that sort of universal “spirit,” that is shown in these haunting and mysterious cave paintings. To look upon a crab, the sky or even a crack in the sidewalk with a child is to see the world in it’s prehistoric, primordial form….but only if we open our minds and relax enough to let them show that to us. Otherwise, we often seem to walk around thinking that we have figured out all the mysteries in our mundane and rational world. Another scientist in Cave said that the prehistoric peoples lived in a world in which there was no separation…where a tree could talk, a man could become an animal or an animal could become a man…and that we have lost this. I don’t think we have though, at least, not if we talk to our children.
I don’t know what’s going on in the world, but I do know that as females and especially as mamas, we are pretty kick ass. The first human drawings and sculptures found across the world were the Venuses…the big breasted, big bottomed, big bellied women forms. The only human form in the Chauvet Cave’s, the oldest paintings ever found, is that of the bottom half of a woman. Venus forms were set in houses next to the hearth, placed on altars of prayer and worn around the necks of many prehistoric peoples. I’m not sure what has happened, but at one time…when we lived in that more connected state, we, as women and mothers, were considered the objects of prayer and devotion, the bringers of human life into the world.
“I can, as long as I’m able, remember to look out for and be loving to little ones and their carers. I guess if there’s one thing I’ve gained it’s that.” And that’s huge. So huge. Thank you. And don’t beat up on yourself; your kids have forgiven you and benefit every day for your increasing wisdom (as does every person who reads your blog).
Wow, thanks for sharing this. I definitely feel like I want a do-over sometimes, too. Mistakes made that make me cringe to think about. Ugh. I have to take comfort in the fact that all of us parents feel this way, to some degree, don’t we? Sometimes my kids will bring up some of the cringe-worthy moments — still trying to figure out why I was being such an idiot, I guess. And I tell them what I truly believe, “I’m always learning about being a better mama.”
I enjoyed reading the thoughts in the Authentic Parenting link — as a non-schooling family, we sure see the signs of zero kids around. It’s so ironic, too, because we live within a block of an elementary school — so, technically there are hundreds of kids within a stone’s throw of us, five days a week for hours and hours. And yet, you wouldn’t know it.
I could go on and on. I wish I had a better term for you, but “child-unfriendly” sounds about right to me. And not only that, an unfriendliness towards most individuality in children! And adults, too, for that matter, but man it starts early. And I’m guilty of buying into it a little — neither of my boys fit squarely into the traditional “boy” mold. They like airplanes and cars/trucks and some other things that are considered “acceptable” for boys to like, but they also love dressing up as girls and female characters. They’re all over the map. And I actually hesitate sometimes to post photos of them when they’re in their most “non-boy” modes! Which is so fucking stupid of me. I usually try to fight it, but sometimes I find myself not wanting to freak anyone out? I don’t know. Dumb. And probably a whole different topic.
Anyway, I do completely understand those feelings of regret and wanting a do-over, believe me. I just have to say, though, that you must have done (and continue to do) so many things right because your kids seem like they are amazing. And happy and confident and so well loved.
P.S. The “Please Go Directly Fuck Yourself” video? Made my day. I will never get over my love for Larry David’s reaction in the last clip.
i think about you and phoenix and nels and this all the time (and ralph, too, but mostly you three, as you three are most prominent in your journal and it’s me who’s the momma in our house – my life reflects yours more than it does ralph’s), because my e is just now three years old. i wonder all the time how you did it when your kids were young. i aspire so very much to be as patient as possible, and as creative as possible, both not my strong suits at all, with e. lately and periodically i find that i am failing terribly at it, and i can see where the cracks are. so much of this parenting journey has been about patience, compassion, creativity and multi-perspective-view, and my skills in these areas grow with every passing day, most of the time. and yes, my compassion and patience also extend to me, which is good because it allows me to better deal with my mistakes and manners of being that i would like to move past and leave behind. it allows me to continue evolving. i strive to also break out of the Hard.Core. social conditioning to which you allude often. in these things, you are one of my greatest role models, certainly the one i think about most, and i’m so very glad to have stumbled across your online journal. i think i know you write because you love it, and i’m so thankful that you share your thoughts and experiences with us online. thank you. thank you. i feel very lucky to benefit from your amazing resource. thank you.
yes, oh and i meant it all throughout my comment, but realize now i might not have been explicit enough: as C said, you must have done and be doing so very many awesome things, because phoenix and nels seem like they’re thriving in ways i don’t get to see very often in this world. you’re my role model because you talk about all the terrible mistakes you made in the past but to my eye have managed to get past 98% of the crappy and child-unfriendly conditioning that most of us receive. i stride as ever i can in that direction also.
You could call it a W.C. Fields event.
Or a Foghorn Leghorn event.
“Go away kid ya bother me”
I, too have been there and done that, with Maeve.
But I’ve tried so hard to be different with Gwyn and Tallon and really make them feel like they are always included. Like today we had to make the trip to IKEA because some things got damaged/lost in the move and that’s where we could get the replacement parts. And we decided that Gwyn needed someplace to keep her clothing so we might as well get a dresser. Anyway, this time although we put T in the stroller to walk from the parking to the store, I let him out inside and the 3 ran about happily while we found what we needed. They pretty much stayed in sight and I only had to ask them to be careful when T discovered a cool wardrobe with a glass door and started going in and out, closing the door a little too vigorously.
I think it’s really hard to let go of the notion of children needing to “fit into” a so-called adult world. And if you were raised with that notion, and that behavior was expected of you, your paradigm for parenting starts from what your parents did, right?
Still, you seem to have done good so far.
One of the greatest gifts I get in recovery is when I know a mom has little ones at home and who rarely gets to meetings because they are afraid their children won’t be accepted or tolerated, and I finally convince her to bring them and that, Yes! I will gladly watch your children so you get to have the kind of meeting experience I do all the time.
Oh shit. You all wrote a bunch of comments with so much radness. Where to start?
@deb
“it is far past fucking time for us to cut up those T-shirts and make an awesome go-fuck-yourself flag and wave it loud and proud!”
YES!!
@Bex
” children […] show an intimate connection to the world, a relationship with imagination that most adults have lost and an ability to connect”
I have come to witness this time and time again. Unfortunately many children have these traits socialized out of them, or trampled on. But I think you are totally right, because even with all that oppression, I still see it in so many kids.
@Wendy
Thank you, as always, for your support – and for the compliment.
@c
“technically there are hundreds of kids within a stone’s throw of us, five days a week for hours and hours. And yet, you wouldn’t know it.”
No. Shit. It’s kind of incredible. And yet peopel often don’t understand when I talk about our “by-rote segregation of children”. Since the kids and I are home, it’s like a weird ghost town in the neighborhood during the days of the academic year (even on weekends, families are super-scheduled and parents tend to keep kids to bed earlier or under wraps, due to homework, entrenched schedules, & trying to get all that weekend-stuff done in a short time). Summer, lots changes. And I’m looking forward to that.
@s*
“in these things, you are one of my greatest role models, certainly the one i think about most, and i’m so very glad to have stumbled across your online journal.”
Wow. Thank you. I am glad to have helped. I wish I’d been exposed to some of the stuff today that I have, back when my kids were wee. As should be obvious by entries like these. If in any way the work and the reading and writing I do is helping other adults/carers/kids/etc. this is very gratifying to hear.
@kidsync
Perfect, altho’ you know I grew up without TV so didn’t really get to see many cartoons, right? Still, I know the reference at least.
@Jen
“I think it’s really hard to let go of the notion of children needing to “fit into†a so-called adult world. And if you were raised with that notion, and that behavior was expected of you, your paradigm for parenting starts from what your parents did, right?”
Exactly. My upbringing was perfect for making me entirely vulnerable to that “fitting in” mode you so eloquently describe. I sold myself and my kids out pretty bad. I still struggle, because of course kids do need assistance and advocacy. But they don’t need so much of how I was trained and how I started out, when a parent.
Thanks for the words of support, too.
@k8
I’m sure you know how incredibly valuable and awesome that is to those mums. If you don’t know, let me tell you: SOLID GOLD.
Love this post. Love it.