Last night I told my seven year old, “fuck off”. It was late, I was tired. He’d commented again he doesn’t like my curly hair and he wanted it “smooth” again. ‘Cause yeah, ever since we cut it all off it sprang into curls that have surprised many people – I’ve been asked what’s different, did I color my hair, what happened? I wasn’t surprised though. I knew the curls were there. I knew they were waiting. I’m the only curly-head in the family but some others reading here might know what I’m talking about.
I apologized. To my son. Of course. At night something happens and he and I can get into fights. It’s weird because that used to be when Ralph and I would fight. It’s no good, whatever it is. The child shouldn’t have to hear that, he shouldn’t have to get used to it. I write it here even though I don’t want to, it’s shameful, because it’s such a harsh thing to say. I’m not averse to curse words, I’m averse to meanness.
I’ve been troubled the last couple days. This despite being gifted with a life filled with a lot of wonderful things. It’s time to write my gratitude list and start putting pen to paper. No offense, blog.
Sewing to-go. The waxed thread on needles were to install a secret-snap, and attach lining to the zipper. So yeah, I finished something pretty cool this afternoon. Working on a few great things I have to keep up my sleeve for now.
Laundry tree went up today. It was delightful hanging the laundry with my daughter; afterwards she checked the nesting boxes and came up with an egg very warm from a hen.
Walmart. Waiting for Ralph and Nels. Night. It’s still muggy here but at least warm. I wish there was something open all-night here – besides Walmart, and Safeway. A coffee shop. It would be a good thing for me. Summer is triggering odd feelings, but the days are better than they were.
Picking up J. from her work shift.
I dunno. It’s been a weird couple days.
Yeah. Now’s about the time the weirdness sinks in. Our Walgreens is open 24 hours. I’ve been know to make midnight raids on the candy and art supplies.
I wish we had a laundry tree! We had one when I was a kid and I miss the smell of line-dried laundry. One of my favorite smells ever.
Yeah…done the “fuck off.” Worse than that is that instead of being slightly in control, I was clearly losing it and yelled it – so while they are really just words, in my case, they were symbolic of that overwhelmed state in which I had lost control – something that feels unsafe for a kid (I know because I felt it when I was younger)…and so my apology was more about that than anything. Sometimes I’ve lost control without the words, but I still apologize and try and develop strategies to work on it. My kid and I seem to go at it in a real battle-of-wills type of way and I don’t know where that comes from and most of the time, it’s just not worth it (and I’m learning to avoid the situation all-together as I get more practice at this thing). Anyway, I feel your pain. Much love.
Yup. The weirdness. I know you get it. I’m doing better today.
It’s fun and calming and lovely to hang clothes, plus it’s easier on them and is a far better stain-removal program than chemicals! My mom bought it for me, had it sent right to my house.
I agree with you, it has little to do with the words and more with the anger, loss of “control” (why do we try to hard to MAINTAIN control over others, and ourselves?), and in my case taking out all my spiritual sickness on the very ones I am around the most and whom I could not stand to lose. It sucks. I did better today.
I reread this entry today because I felt like I needed to know someone else was an imperfect parent. I had a terrible few days dealing with everyday stuff that life with 3 kids presented me – mostly because I had been out of my meds and when the depression starts sneaking back in I get really snappy. While I didn’t say “fuck off”, I said a lot of “shut up”, which I often feel is just as bad when directed at kids. And I feel like no matter how much I apologize and snuggle with them and love on them, I’ve left some kind of invisible mark that I can’t erase and that just kills me inside. Thanks for being willing to share the ugly stuff that hurts – it allowed me today to be better to/for my kids, despite the way I’m feeling. Finally getting refills on my meds yesterday helped, too, but the apology is more important to me. So, thanks.
Sure…the control thing is weird and questionable – though I mean basically that when I’ve got a kid on the back of my surfboard, I want him to know that while I am no expert at catching and riding those waves, I can take care of him when they hit and not “lose control” and start flailing in the water while he’s panicking. The emotional stuff that goes on in our interactions sometimes (it’s like some weird karma where the world is saying YOU WILL WORK THIS OUT WHETHER YOU CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE TO OR NOT) just seems like these big waves I’ve got to ride out with him – and of course, I fall off the board (more often than not), but I’d prefer to keep his safety constantly in mind rather than becoming a lunatic who starts freaking under the pressure. I most prefer it when it’s sunny and the waves are nice and calm. 😉 I don’t know why I just went into a surfing metaphor … maybe some hope that the sun might come out for a day this summer. LOL
Thanks as always for your awesome honesty and radical writings!