I am not as strong spiritually as others may think. Case in point, it is still alarming for me to hear adults’ negative opinions of our lifestyle through the commentary of these grownups’ children. This can’t be avoided, really, for a lot of reasons – one of which is our lifestyle and parenting philosophies are different than many families – and many people respond to perceived challenges with attitudes and positions of fear, judgment, or anger. Also, many families struggle with a variety of issues and doubtless lash out; they are truly in some sense miserable enough to do so. I can understand this on a cognitive level, but try telling my heart it’s all Okay.
For me, who I am today, the friend or “friend” who is unsupportive or speaks ill of my family is a painful party to consider. Given my weakness, I would rather they just ignore me than shit-talk, back-talk, or judge. And this is made all the more odd as I have little or nothing to hide and life is good in our home. It’s something about others harboring Hate, however tiny, directed at myself (or perceived as such), that makes me feel about a quarter-inch tall. As I told a couple friends earlier tonight, its’ not the subject matter itself at all. When it comes to living without compulsory schooling, even the familiar and repetitive questions by strangers (“But what about socialization?”*) seem at least direct and (usually but not always) put forth in good faith. It’s something else to consider a friend actively holding a resentment.
But the occasional times I receive a negative bit of gossip, or hear our life and our parenting drug through the muck, my response shows me I haven’t yet learned the lesson – you know, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” And I note as well I’m not sure what special privilege I seem to think I deserve that I should be immune to people’s Assery.
Daily I evaluate the life we live: myself, our family, my friendships, my role as a citizen and friend to the world. I do the best I can with what I have. Pondering the pain I feel today, I am glad for something recent in my life: see, a while back it became obvious to me I needed to stop speaking ill of people, even when “safe” or near someone who would not dispute nor challenge this sort of behavior (or even someone who themselves would feel relief in a few moments of gossip, that delectable dish). This life is lived not to be “good”/”nice” nor to try to bargain karma, or even to be a good friend (although it does make me a better person), but to quit making myself Sick, because Sick indeed I have been. Even with my husband I counsel him to be cautious what we say, for our own sakes’ as well as that of our children who stand to learn our attitudes. Even in the privacy of our own home.
For much of my life I have not lived this way. Months ago I would not have thought this was a possible way to conduct myself, nor even relevant. But today it’s a major cornerstone of my life.
“Never speak disparagingly of others, but praise without distinction… Pollute not your tongues by speaking evil of another.”
I do take this seriously, as hard as I find to live it sometimes. I thank my life’s experience and my Higher Power for the lesson.
* More awesomesauce here.
How do you handle the prompts of others that try to get you to validate their premises?
I run into this all the time and I try to pretend that I have no opinion (in a group anyway) or that I wasn’t paying attention, because my philosophy is so alien to most people that I just get stares or looks of pity.
For example, a friend of mine started a conversation about education by asking me, “Is Kylie going to go to ‘real’ school?” It felt like an insult, but was based on comparisons that I don’t make so I decided to let it go. The group discussion proceeded to the schools each of their children are attending and how the methods/curriculum/schedules are very effective because of X or Y. I kept getting the looks of, “Don’t you agree?” or “What do you think?”
My saying, “I don’t believe any of that but I have no quarrel with you believing that, never ends well.” What else can I say? It seems that if I don’t agree with the group, I am suggesting that my philosophy is somehow superior.
* My saying, “I don’t believe any of that but I have no quarrel with you believing that” never ends well.
Ah well, I know my grammar ain’t the best. 🙂
I find it interesting that people are so down on something that they haven’t tried. I mean, they clearly don’t believe in unschooling and don’t understand what it means or how it could possibly work, so they obviously have no real personal experience with it. I could understand someone having a negative opinion on something with which they’ve had negative experience, but no experience at all? That’s just weird.
I knew an unschooling family when we lived in WV. They had a different approach to many things but were really nice and their kids were pretty smart. When I asked the mom how the home-schooling/unschooling thing worked for her, she was more than happy to explain it for me, including how she made sure that they kids met state standards (required by WV) and stuff like that. I found it interesting, but with no personal experience of it I certainly can’t pass judgement on it. And as a former teacher, I know kids learn in many different ways so some excel in traditional classrooms and others need a different learning style. If you’re getting good results – curious children who like learning – then who cares how you arrive at that result?
As for being a “good” person, my goal has always been to do the most good/right in my life as I can. And sometimes that means good for others (my friends or my kids) that leaves me without any reward. And to me, that’s okay if it means that my actions help others to succeed and be good, decent people. I think I’m doing a good job if my kids look at the world with empathy and a desire to make things better on this earth. Your kids seem to do just that and for me, that’s a clear indication of your conduct. We all slip a little sometimes – but that’s because we’re fallible beings. And when we make mistakes we generally try to acknowledge them and then do better the next time. I see this often in your writing, and I think it’s evidence that we all share in that struggle. And for what it’s worth, I sometimes think that you come down too hard on yourself when you make mistakes.
@Kidsync
Relatively direct queries like that are easier than the suspicion (or knowledge) of slander happening behind my back! Still, yes, I have had people require I “prove” my lifestyle or weigh in on things I’m not interested, in the moment, to weigh in on. What you describe sounds like a combination of insecurity (which can manifest in negative ways), but also some parts open-minded curiosity / ignorance, which can be a wonderful conversation.
As for people pressuring you to validate worldviews that you don’t prescribe to, in my experience listening goes well – and simply SLOWING DOWN. Remember, you don’t have to participate at all. Sometimes I ask questions: “So you believe unless you force a child to do housework, they won’t learn on their own for when they’re ready?” Or whatever. I have ceased fighting anything or anyone (or at least, it is my daily goal to live this way), but I am also not required to validate worldviews, beliefs, or behaviors that seem harmful or ignorant or whatever – just for this person’s temporary convenience. Also, a “Would you like to know what I think?” has worked well. People are forced to consider if they’re hinting around or if they REALLY want to know. I’ve had people respond pretty respectfully.
“It seems that if I don’t agree with the group, I am suggesting that my philosophy is somehow superior.”
Exactly! Sheesh, how often do you hear, “Do what’s right for YOUR family”, then when we do this and it isn’t herd-mentality, some people will laser in looking for a chink in your armor (therefore YOUR kid having an emotional display in public is the fault of your different parenting style – whereas THEIR kid is just tired or misunderstood or whatever) – or refuse to support. It’s the lack of support that hurts me, from people I’ve worked to support. What I know today is that’s my baggage and I need to support people without requirement of reciprocity; meanwhile, I need to daily give gratitude for those wonderful people and events in my life I *do* have.
So in that spirit, thank you for your support. It really means a lot, and I really mean that.
@Jen
Thanks for your comment!
“I think I’m doing a good job if my kids look at the world with empathy and a desire to make things better on this earth.”
I think so many parents have this goal. Like I allude to above, it’s hurtful to think how often people try to find DIFFERENCES with a microscope. I’ve done this, myself. Today I’m doing a better job trying to find similarities. Most parent/carers love their kids very much and all are doing the best they can with what they have.
“I sometimes think that you come down too hard on yourself when you make mistakes.”
A half-year ago I wouldn’t have agreed with this assessment. But I agree with you, today. In fact I’m going to write more about it soon. I really appreciate your honesty in what you perceive.
I appreciate your support as well, and I value your comments. Thank you.
“It’s the lack of support that hurts me, from people I’ve worked to support. What I know today is that’s my baggage and I need to support people without requirement of reciprocity…”
Sometimes emotional hurts, like physical ones, are an early warning sign that you should stop what you are doing, that your actions are harmful to yourself. Support needs to be mutual or a “pass it on” affair for me. That is how I am fed, how my needs are met, too.
I am lucky to have gathered around myself a very good circle of friends who largely respect what I do, even if they don’t agree with it. By and large they do not have children, or if they do, their exes have primary custody, so they have little room to make commentary anyway. When my first son was small, rambunctious, intense, and non-communicative, I took a lot of flack for not reining him in, doping him up, and generally forcing him to conform and ‘behave’. I have kept a lot of the friends from those days, though it was a struggle to do so and stand my ground. And all the ones that made it through that gauntlet now admire that I was able to parent in a way that allowed him to blossom all weird and wonderful, rather than crushing his spirit in an attempt to make him more like everybody else. Comments of newer friends or acquaintances that have gotten back to us are variations on, “Homeschooling/unschooling is stupid/nuts/abusive/too lazy/too hard, but Tom and Rachele are the only ones I would trust to do it right.” lol. Apparently we are just the right kind of crazy.
@Rachele
“Homeschooling/unschooling is stupid/nuts/abusive/too lazy/too hard, but Tom and Rachele are the only ones I would trust to do it right.â€
Ah yes. I’ve heard variations of this, and it bugs me (for reasons I write about there).
Thanks for weighing in. As for your first child when he was young, I feel you on that. I remember my mom and dad telling us we held our baby too much. Looking back I think they just desperately wanted us not to have to work so hard, or perhaps not to be stressed. But at the time I considered it an affront to my principles of loving and attached care. Later on both my parents many times sung praises at how responsive we’ve been to our kids emotional/cuddle needs. It reminds me to really consider who to take on as mentors, and not give others such a hard time for their comments… which may be made for reasons not relevant, or out of their own angst, or (as I suspect in the case of “you’re holding your baby too much”), in a weird way, out of panicked Love.
That was actually the article that led me to your site originally.
I do feel our situation is different, though. The sentiments I hear seem to stem more from fears about becoming a parent and a need to voice the challenges they are afraid of facing rather than a desire to find things to criticize in others to defend the choices they have made. The intent behind the words makes a big difference in how I respond. I support the former; I reject, denounce, or avoid the latter.
PS. I find criticism/concern from my parents to be in a totally different category. Often, there is so much going on emotionally behind what they say, it is difficult to unravel. Defensiveness and compassion and wisdom and folly are so tangled together within the context of that relationship that I try to come to the table with as open a mind as possible.
Hi Kelly,
I’ve been reading your blog for a while, because I enjoyed your postings on Always Unschooled. I sent a link to this post to my church group, and one of us chose to preach this week’s sermon on the topic. (We all take turns leading worship, as we don’t choose to have a pastor).
I was very pleased, although I realized later that the person probably hadn’t read your earlier post about rigorous honesty, and probably everyone took it as a challenge to follow the old saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Sigh.
Anyway, thanks for this post and the honesty one.
@Rachele
Some of my favorite convos are those without children (whether they intend to have them later or not or are on the fence) about not-schooling. I’ve found a lot more openness and a lot less defensiveness – in general (not always).
@Margaret
Wow, thanks! Yes, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” (which I grew up being told, kinda) while perhaps well-intentioned can also make expert Resenters out of us… also fosters passive aggressive/hinting/etc. etc. Also, WTF is “nice”? Is “nice” me holding back what I *really* think and feel, only to spill it later to another friend, or husband, or whatever? [ shudder ] Like I said, I don’t want to live that way anymore, because it really is a choice.
Anyway: you’re welcome, and I’m glad you’re reading. Thank you for the comment!