Today I had the opportunity to learn a few lessons about myself – lessons I am sick and tired of having presented to me while I remain stagnant. I realized after a lengthy conversation with friends that I have been stuck on a particular issue for quite some time. The issue is more personal than I will write about here. At root – of course: fear. My fear of being noticed in a particular way, and of being infringed upon. Some part of me that still lives in reaction to things long past, events that no longer threaten my safety today.
Anyway, It’s old stuff and an old familiar way of life: Why can’t the world play according to my rules? Why can’t people stop asking certain things of me? As you may imagine, it’s a horribly precarious and pinched way to live. It leaves me less than whole, less useful to others, fragile and unappealing – and taking myself way too seriously.
As I’ve said, the awareness came after a conversation familiar to me – and a discussion with people I care about. I dislike (inadvertently) exposing my sick traits to friends and family that I love, but sometimes I can’t stop running my mouth while this happens. Comes down to it, I worry these loved ones will tire of my imperfections and sicknesses and leave me. I worry they will seize onto that seed of self-loathing I have deep within, and of course they will leave because that self-loathing is right, I really am not worthy.
But ultimately, when I think this through, I realize I have been abandoned many times in my life and I’ve lived through it. So while I would like to be a better friend, and I would like to be less sick than I am, I must accept who I was today. I would also like freedom from the obsession on my character defects. I would rather cultivate some gratitude upon the discovery that Yes, I am stuck, I am in this place.
A close friend told me the other day I have a martyr complex, and that I hadn’t fed it in a while and it was hungry. “It’s going to die of neglect.” She also told me, if I understood her correctly, it would grab onto anything it could eat. I sense this is true. It is highly unflattering to realize the extent guilt and shame has played in my life but this does not make the reality any less true. It isn’t a pretty picture. However I can’t be any more well than I am. I brought my best Self to today, and tomorrow is a new day.
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When I bike with a handful of other grownups I feel like a bike gang, kinda West Side Story all snapping our fingers and a little bit silly. Wednesday, G. is wearing a garbage bag as a simple poncho/windblock, having donated his jacket to J. once the night got gold. We stop at the AM/PM to get air and the two of them service my bike like a personal pit crew. I tell them thank you and then we’re back on the road and it’s perfect and simple like when we were kids.
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I have always enjoyed this turn of the season. Today walking home with Nels, his hand in mine, I sensed the experiences and feelings of my childhood, good experiences. Yes, they’re in there, deep inside! I perceived my son feeling the same way, shuffling through the first of the fallen leaves and with the crystal-clear sky and neighborhood kids hailing him. I love it when the kids put their hand in mine. I don’t know how many more times I will experience it. It is really an amazing gift.
“I love it when the kids put their hand in mine. I don’t know how many more times I will experience it. It is really an amazing gift.”
So true. The only thing better are the sweet exchanges of kisses on the cheeks that produce uncontrollable smiles and giggles. That’s my Heaven on Earth.
Ironic- not imagining to be involved in the discussion of the first half of your post, but [having said that, may I ask you a personal questions?] as I lay in bed reflecting on my day after say 3 too many Cokes after 4 pm, I was thinking about how in our conversations this evening you were much less negatively self-critical than in times past. Then I thought, “can I tell her that, without it being some strange criticism of times past? or a holier-than-thou assessment of how self-critical it is acceptable to be in polite conversation?” Apparently trying to figure that out and the rest of the difficulties in life put me to sleep.
@Kidsync
Just this afternoon before I took a nap Nels came in and cuddled me and we tickled and kissed each other. I think my kids’ uncontrollable laughter is one of my Favorite Things Ever. Definitely something you can’t buy.
@luckychrm
“may I ask you a personal question” – Ha!
Self-criticism is a lifetime practice of mine and (as I was telling your partner when we were outside last night) not one I’ll be healed of overnight. I would appreciate faster progress though! Meditation and prayer help. I am not offended when people relate their observations about my character or behaviors… usually I’m surprised at what I hear but I often reflect on it, pray, discuss it with a friend, etc. Indeed it was an observance of a physician that got me into Recovery and I’m not sure I can relate how grateful I am that he spoke like he did, when he did.
Thanks for having us again – we had a great time.
I don’t know if you are open to it, but to me a religious community can be one of the places to work on the difficult things you are trying to deal with. Not every religious community will do that or provide support, but some do. The church I attend is not for everyone, but I encourage everyone to find a place that supports this type of personal and spiritual growth. Good luck on your journey.
@Mary B
I am part of a spiritual program and about to go visit another community this week. And I’ve found these experiences more helpful than years of counseling and attempts at self-improvement!
Thank you for your comment!
In Chinese Medicine, the Autumn is the season of reaping, killing, cutting off that which we don’t need to live. The plants take everything down to the bare minimum so that they can put energy into concentrating the very essence of who they are into what they will put into their seeds. Everything comes inside, the yang energy – which is fully expressed during the summer, has to move inside, like a bright candle in the cave, to help them survive the cold, dark, deep of the Winter – and so while it appears that things are dead, they are actually more alive than ever, doing that internal work, their hearts lit up as the energy that causes the flowering has moved, literally, from outside to in. I always take note, during this season, that many of the things I’m doing that aren’t necessary in line with my being will come to the forefront and I actually have the energy of the season in my pocket – I can use that power to cut off what I don’t need and to internalize and stoke the true fire of me. It kinda sounds like you’re using that energy in a similar way…the body-mind is in balance with nature when that happens! It’s beautiful to see it out my window and read it here as well.