make sure it’s worth watching

My son just about stifles my heart. He’s tall, just like his sister, and extraordinarily competent in anything he sets his mind to. It doesn’t help last night I got to meet and hold a brand-new baby, a hungry baby whose mom wasn’t ready to nurse, and the baby kept spitting out her soother and rooting up against my breast in my fancy coat after an evening soirée. I placated the baby with a pinkie (old trick I’d forgotten about for years) and she fell asleep again for a while. And the nurse came in and we got that baby on the tit. And I hope it works out.

So my son, yeah this morning I sliced the kids apples and made them pancakes with warm syrup then after the kids cleaned up breakfast Nels get got dressed to the nines (“Where’s my tuxedo?” he asks about his favorite coat I made him) and after we went through and thoroughly cleaned the kiddo’s room and separated those things we wanted to donate, Nels packed a satchel with two books and a cell phone and arranged a date with the bookstore and his grandmother. When he returned he’d used the books for store credit to get his sister a book on leopards. He is a wonderful, wonderful citizen, son, and brother.

Today was suppressed and sad for me, at times. I was at home for medical reasons (I snuck out once with Phoenix, for tacos and coffee) but it wasn’t just that. Last night my husband and I had an unfun argument, starting with me bringing up my desire to raise another child, but sadly the bitter words did not confine themselves to that subject. A nasty argument, something that doesn’t happen too often these days but always takes the mickey out of me and him too.

This child thing. I really really can accept I might not get my way, or get what (I think I) want. I probably couldn’t handle it anyway. I’m probably being an asshole. Impulsive and stupid. What tortures me is the question, is this something I want SO MUCH that I need to take some kind of new action, or is this something that will in time fade and I will accept I won’t have it?  For years now I’ve done what seems like the right thing, defer to my husband’s strong preference that we not take on or support another child. I am as lost as anything on this though and I don’t know right from wrong or down from up. If I’m not to have what I want I wish I could accept this or that the desire would disappear.

I’ve gotta admit this is a painful entry to pen, but I’m committed to being honest and I don’t think I’ve brought this up directly in this space, even though it’s been in my heart and on my mind for a few years. Today I decided to change that. I guess that’s why I’m writing about it, because Secrets don’t work for me.

Sometimes I’ve resented how honest and how much I’ve written about myself and my life here. I have of course tried to maintain scrupulous considerations for other individuals on many subjects, and I have not shared my Every Thought or emotion by any means. Sometimes I worry that when I write that other people will use this information against me, or use it carelessly. This is certainly a reality and I have experienced betrayal before,

but the cost of not sharing what troubles me isn’t one I want to continue to pay.

10 Responses