A few of my Twitter followers asked that I elucidate on “ten lists” I’d turned out recently. Here goes with the fourth installment of my first list: “Things That Make Parenting Easier”, based off my ten-plus years being a devoted and hard-working parent. I hope you find it helpful. That is the only point of this post. To help those who could use it.
This is item #4. You can find item #1 here, #2 here, and #3 here.
Each post will have a picture from my life, my day, when I wrote the post. So from this afternoon: my daughter does the dishes. She’s wearing a hat I made her last night while her friend was over. She is amazing at the dishes. It seemed like for so long it was more work to TEACH my kids how to do a chore (let alone MAKE them do it), but then suddenly they could and wanted to do so much on their own. Trusting kids, and having the long view. That’s kind of the theme of this piece.
#4. Stop trying to get my kids to sleep/eat when/what I think is convenient or best. For me.
This is probably the most controversial of my posts in this list so far, if I go off the commentary I regularly see from adults on the subject of kids’ sleep and kids’ schedules and kids’ food. These topics cover a lot of ground and I’m not going to write some massive manifesto here. I’m going to say a few words about what I’ve observed, then speak from first-person about our family experience.
A little Problem Statement about the backdrop of raising a family. Our culture promotes the scheduling of children’s activities, full-stop. In most families the parents/carers decide just about everything about their kids’ schedules, whether by true necessity, convenience, preference or ideology; our family is a little different as we constantly work to relinquish this cultural edict of Control. On the subject of food, the United States is built on what many would consider an unsustainable model for feeding our population in an ethical manner. Some people have far more resources than others; and those with fewer resources are often villianized and condescended to. We are also an obesity-shaming, orthorexic country who promotes disordered eating and pushes fad diets daily. Our grocery stores are stocked with diet foods and convenience foods and magazine racks full of celebrity-shaming headlines honing in on these public women’s bodies. Our children are exposed to constant messages that their bodies are flawed, their appetites are shameful, and food should be consumed at our convenience with a minimum amount of our effort and respect.
There is very little I can personally do to change those massive realities listed above.
But, I don’t have to. I will just write a bit about where we’re at today.
Regarding sleep. We honor our kids’ autonomy as much as we can reasonably bear. As infants and toddlers, I abandoned setting their naps and schedules. It was exhausting and seemed cruel to everyone. I found they would fall asleep when they needed it, or give me signals they needed rest. I also learned that allowing them to sleep, or not, according to their needs gave me a greater presence in caring for myself. Instead of knowing I’d get free time at a certain hour and working myself to exhaustion in anticipation of that final “break”, I learned to listen to my own signals and rest a little more when I could. Not artificially imposing strictures on another’s life made me care a bit more for my own. I wasn’t a perfect adherent to these principles, especially given I was and am surrounded by people who not only schedule their kids’ lives but vociferously tell me why they do and sometimes, why my family should. Still, we had enough success honoring our kids’ sleep needs and adjusting our life to the realities of caring for small children that it gives me confidence to continue this way.
Today, sleep freedom includes allowing the kids to set their schedule and sleep when and where they want to. I remember when we first “allowed” them the option of staying up all night. Shit got weird. They would stay up all night. But oddly it was pretty chill. They’d take a nap. They were thrilled to have that freedom; reading a book or playing a game or doing art whenever they felt like it, alone until the wee hours. It was pretty thrilling.
That stage of all-nighter didn’t last though. For the last couple years, the kids have slept when we did, without any enforcement, fights, or complaints. They sleep beautifully, can sleep at other people’s houses and at camp, et cetera (there are some houses they prefer not to sleep in), and are well-rested. Not having to get up for school, they awake in the morning and cuddle with myself, their father, the dog, the cat, or one another. They sometimes get breakfast for one another or curl up with a book. When they’re ready for the day, they brush their teeth and wash their face and get dressed. Our mornings aren’t rushed and our nighttimes aren’t crabby.
Regarding food. We honor our kids’ autonomy as much as we can reasonably bear. This means we provide as well-rounded, ethical, and nourishing food as we can. And then we let them eat what and when they want.
We are not a family who can afford an all-local all-organic diet. But we are a family who can support those things to an extent. We are also a family who wants to let our kids enjoy their childhood; part of that is eating 7-11 hot dogs or ice cream or a huge bowl of popcorn. Or Halloween candy until they puke. On the Halloween candy subject, our son Nels did throw up one year… the next year he trick or treated and refused all candy, with a weary shake of his head and hand and a “No thank you.” Ha! I think he was four, which means he remembered the incident of the year previous when he was three. In subsequent years, he’s been very moderate in his candy consumption, on his own accord. No lecture required during any of this.
Our kids did odd stuff around food freedom now and then, but not as much as I would have guessed. I remember once my son filling a Chinese restaurant teacup with sugar and taking a spoonful. I even took a picture (he was also wearing a Hawaiian dress and had marker makeup on). I can’t find the picture now, sadly. Anyway, he didn’t repeat the experiment.
Our kids eat a variety of foods. So far today they’ve had apples, bananas, bacon, eggs, toast, and a smoothie with homegrown blueberries, raspberries, yogurt, and banana. At this moment they’re at a birthday party, so they’re probably eating pop and hot dogs. They love to eat at a variety of restaurants and order off the adult menu. Sometimes they devour a new dish with gusto – Phoenix is every enamored with Thai rad nah, lately, and Nels loves sushi rolls. Sometimes in a restaurant they order a large exotic dish and decide they don’t care for it. Which is kind of like, what we adults get to do. It’s really fun to watch them enjoy a huge variety of food. When I was their age, I’d go to a Chinese restaurant and order a burger.
I could talk a lot more about food and sleep. I encourage anyone with a specific query as to how they can employ their ideals within the confines of their current lived reality, to email me. I’ve written and helped many parents who’ve asked (and several childfree who had questions).
At this point, I’d like to close with a few comments about kids’ freedoms in general.
It is useless for me today to try to control every preference and freedom my children have. It is counterproductive and it is a lot of work. It does not teach them self-control; precisely because it is imposed control. Even “successes” at controlling my kids are likely to create within them anxieties or even resentments. Ralph and I can lead with the best conscience and actions our situation provides us. We’ve built a single-income life that prioritizes our kids’ greatest freedoms. There have been many ups and downs and no shortage of financial difficulty. But the freedom we enjoy today is wonderful.
I can’t program my kids to have the habits I want them to, the food or environmental conscience I think is best, the values I think are right, et cetera. I influence my kids a great deal, but to enforce my values on my children whenever I feel like it, or whenever it suits my convenience, runs so many risks I am no longer willing to make that a way of life. There are always, and I mean always, solutions to letting go mainstream parenting edicts. I am grateful I no longer have the illusions of Scarcity and I do not dwell on non-choice.
I have this memory of being a child, perhaps 7-8, and making boxed macaroni & cheese at my dad’s house. I made it a lot on my own at home, being a latchkey kid, and was quite well versed in the very basic process. My father, being the extremely controlling type, could not *stand* to watch me eyeball the amount of butter and milk I’d need for the mix. He thought (loudly) that I should follow the instructions on the box. I thought I could make it however I wanted, as I was the one eating it. To this day, I still don’t follow recipes without modifying or eyeballing part of it, and I don’t talk to my dad anymore. This vivid memory is a wonderful lesson for my own parenting now, as it’s a reminder that I am not within my children’s bodies. I don’t hear their thoughts or feel their cravings or experience their sensations. It’s not my place to pretend that I do.
This post is wonderful, and I’m looking forward to the rest of the series.
@Rachel
What kind of monster actually measures ingredients for boxed mac & cheese? LOL, kidding. But in my family of origin, you woulda got eye-rolled for being that persnickety. Add butter & milk until delicious!
As for you and your dad, stick around for my #10.
Thank you for your comment. I’m glad my readers gave me this bloggy challenge. I hope people are finding it helpful.
Rachel, I had a similar experience with my father. I eyeballed the two cups of water for ramen, he doubted me on it, so we poured it into a measuring cup and it was exactly two cups. He stopped trying to help me in the kitchen after that.
Ironically, my mother was the controller of the house and I don’t speak with her anymore either.
I’ve tried really hard to make this one a part of life, particularly this summer, since things have been totally crazy with the move to the new house. Sure this will change when school starts, but I’m trying to help Maeve make subtle adjustments in order to be ready for early rising when she has to. Since we’ve had a CSA share this year, I’ve been lucky enough to provide them with meals that are healthier, but I don’t make them eat it if they really don’t like it. I ask them to take a bite or 2 to make sure that they don’t like it instead of turning it down without trying because, hey – you never know if you don’t try. But there’s always something in the house
What I’ve noticed most, is that you can ask your kids to do a certain task and it gets done – even when you’re not there to check. Now, I’m not there so I don’t know if there’s whining about being asked to do simple tasks like wash dishes or walk the dog. But it seems like you don’t get a lot of complaining about doing tasks and helping out in the house. I remember as a kid doing chores and not complaining, but doing them when asked and doing a good job so I didn’t have to do it a second time. When I ask Maeve to do things, I often have to ask multiple times, and every time I ask I get the whining, complaining, the attitude problem. I don’t think asking someone to please empty the dishwasher is an especially onerous task, but for some reason Maeve thinks it is. And if I have to leave the house with the 2 small ones and Maeve is alone at home? Nothing that I ask her to do will ever get done. I’ve explained to her that in order for a household to run smoothly and in order for me to spend more time with them doing fun things that we all have to take part in the care and cleaning of the house. So, how is it that you’ve achieved something that seems impossible to me? I often wonder if it’s because there’s so much space between her and the others (she often complains that they don’t have chores though that’s untrue, theirs are just more appropriate to their ages and size). She’s never had to compete with anyone because she doesn’t have a sibling close in age. My brothers and I are pretty close in age and we were always competing to see who could bring in the heaviest bag of groceries or put them away the fastest, or who could clean their room the fastest. I don’t remember how my parents taught us to just help out, but we did. All the ‘typical’ parenting advice doesn’t work with Maeve – rewards, punishments, charts, stickers, whatever that are useless and meaningless, anyway. I just can’t figure out how to get her to see when things need to be done and either do them without being asked, or do them when asked the first time so we don’t waste so much time asking repeatedly. *sigh* Do YOU have any ideas?
@Jen
First of all, it is awesome to read about a child like Maeve with a strong sense of self. Whatever self-criticism you may or may not pile on yourself re: parenting, you have not crushed her spirit AT ALL. Which by the way, is totally possible for we parents to do (with disastrous consequences like a child learning duplicity, cruelty, self-harm, & overt or sneaky “rebellion” etc.) I know you know this; I just make a few brief comments for new readers.
So, wonderful stuff and good for Maeve, and good for you.
What you lay out here is exactly the kind of more detailed query I get in emails and what I like to talk about… every family is different, and sometimes I wonder if my blog posts are too general or vague and not as helpful as I’d wish.
So, I had a similar issue with my daughter. For years she would do whatever I asked. Soon I wasn’t really asking, I was ordering. Then came a time when I asked (ordered!) her she’d either have a large emotional display or she wouldn’t do what I asked or do such a poor job, and I don’t mean a limited job like a kid might, but OBVIOUSLY beneath her abilities. So at some point I conceded what should be obvious: she didn’t want to do it. My strategies of coercion, lecture, even praise and rewards etc. were NOT working consistently, were a lot of work for me, and were probably making her think housework was a big drag – an attitude that would not help her in the future NOR be good for my grandchildren, should I be so blessed.
Perhaps Maeve needs a huge break. A sit-down where you say, “I apologize for the way things have gone in this house. Clearly I’ve put expectations on you that you either can’t or aren’t willing to do. Let’s take a break from housework expectations for a while.”
(I did something similar with my daughter).
Keep it short. It’s not a feelings or frustrations talk. You can talk to others about your feelings. It’s an apology and an amends.
If Maeve can’t “hear you” when you tell her this, if she isn’t really grasping what you’re getting at, don’t worry. Give it a couple weeks where she isn’t expected or lectured and she will start to relax. In my case, I picked up my kids’ clothes and everything. I mean I might have asked her to do something, but it was a genuine request, no threats or consequences or pouting on my part. So if you do this, during this spell, take some time to consider what your needs are and what you’d do if you knew you couldn’t have Maeve’s help at all, if she were ill or something. Take her out of your labor pool and out of your need for her help. Your partner should be on board with this if possible, but if not, just make sure you let Maeve know she’s not pressured or required for your sake, and speak up about this if your partner bitches at her (but don’t try to force him either).
You might find it hard to bite your tongue at first (I did!). You might find yourself resentful at your older child (I did!). But if you can genuinely give her this space, you are paving the road for a good conversation and a reboot (I did!).
So in my family, at some point after some time of this, I was able to sit down with Phoenix and ask what she was willing to do. From there we haven’t had a hitch (I can write more detail when you get to that spot, if you get to it). Now and then she doesn’t want to do something but usually for a reason like, she’s tired or hungry, can she rest or eat first? (She is still quasi-“asking my permisson” for resting or eating so… we have a little ways to go.) Or sometimes she has another commitment. But yeah, I don’t get a lot of complaints. They do the dishes every day; they also walk the dog, put away laundry, vacuum, take out recycling. Stuff like that.
Another thing you might want to consider when the time comes, is making the job easy for a child, and committing to being WITH the child when she does those things, patient and loving. It is hard for a child to reach up to cupboards. Dishes can feel large and clumsy in their hands. Etc.
About being WITH the child: My daughter was washing the dishes in a very water-wasteful way and I was irritated with her and I snapped at her. She was crushed and tearful. She said something like, “I can’t do ANYTHING right!” and cried, but let me hold her. I said, “OK, well I don’t see it but I respect that’s what you think. Do you want to learn how to do it right?” and she said “Yes,” stopped crying, and hopped up into the kitchen. Note I am PRETTY SURE her attitude of, “let’s go” is due to that footwork of no praise, threats, coercion etc. (I apologized to her for speaking rudely.) So anyway for a time or two she wanted me in the kitchen while she washed the dishes this more systemic, less water-wasting, and quicker way. I just would cook or wipe counters or whatever because she really wanted me there for some reason. It only took about three times and she does the dishes on her own just fine.
So if you can give Maeve a housework break, and if that goes okay, then write me back either here or elsewhere, and we can talk about when you’re ready to talk with her about helping.
This might be more radical or a pain in the ass than what you’re willing to do, but it is what I did for my 9 year old and for my own attitude – and it worked well.
Thanks for your comment.