I have been released from the wheel of suffering in some way I cannot fully explain. In a film I viewed last night, I seem to remember a man talking as if some great power picked one up and shook one like a snow globe. I perceive things entirely differently than I used to. My insides were shook up and are now reorganized. I am not sure if others can tell. It is one of the most joyous experiences of my life, and it continues steadily day by day.
Today I walked with my son a few miles in the cold. We had good winter clothes to keep us warm, and we had one another for company. He is so incredibly dear to me, and I get to be with him every day.
When I go places people often stare at me. I do not know if it is my appearance, or if it is my Being, or if it’s just Grays Harbor and people gawk (this is a real thing!). Perhaps I have been stared at this way before, and I only notice now. I know I am more Naked than I used to be, and I am as they say, “comfortable in my own skin”. I don’t mind being stared at as I don’t feel anxiety around other people. Very often [she added].
For many years I was not comfortable in my own skin. I was too this or that, or not enough one thing or another. Other people did not behave in the ways I wanted them to. So I had to arrange a great deal of things in my life, to find life tolerable. I flitted from pleasure to pleasure and I decried the existence of those people, or events, which gave me pain. I don’t live that way now and I hope to never live that way again. I am aware I may not get to decide a great deal about my future, but I am grateful for this experience. Life is quite the gift.
I’m so curious… What was the movie?
It was a movie called Bill W., bout a co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. I hadn’t wanted to go but I’m glad my friend D. and my spouse prodded me. It was quite moving.