In the process of enrolling my “unschooled” child into public school, we have ended up speaking with several individuals for input or, in some cases, necessary arrangements. These individuals include staff and faculty from school districts, some teachers (and ex-teachers), a homeschool email list (in this case, the “traditional”/curriculum type of homeschooling), and of course friends and relatives.
I am continually re-reminded that we Hogabooms swim in a different sea when it comes to some big life concepts, like How Children Learn, or just How Children Work in general (spoiler alert: they work a lot like regular people, except usually more honest!). Plenty of people who (obviously) love children very much, their own and others, will flat-out speak what I consider startling un-truths about children. Like how learning to mind authority and follow direction is equivalent to real learning as well as the moral prime directive of handling the kid problem. You know, LITTLE issues like that [she laughs]. I’m also reminded even a lengthy civil discussion (or two or three!) can’t possibly inject Ralph and my worldview and experiences into other individuals – and today I know it is rude and futile for me to try this. The child-as-second-class-citizen schema runs so deep that it takes months or even years to significantly de-program (hello! I’m still working on it!) – and I am coming to believe people would have to truly live the experience for a significant amount of time to speak with any real authority about it.
In Phoenix’s case, we have had many suggestions in the past few weeks: suggestions of how to organize her wardrobe, her curriculum, her food and lunch experience, how to test her, where to “place” her, how to “place” her. Every suggestion has been directed at me or my husband – patently ignoring the fact this entire world is hers, ignoring this even when we’ve said so directly and out loud, even while she’s in the room or available via email et cetera. In many cases, disturbingly but not surprisingly, my daughter is talked about like she’s chattel.
My daughter’s reaction to this makes me fall over dead with admiration. She leans back and tunes out. If she’s not being spoken to, a fine and friendly fuck all y’all. She’s not here to mess with anyone but she’s also not here to play “Good Girl”. She is like the best Buddhist I’ve met.
She is amazing.
Now I am used to adults’ baffling oversight – given that’s how many people treat most kids – but just to inform you how profound it really is, this happens over and over even when Ralph and I have demonstrated for years that this is not how our family operates. I am re-reminded of something I’d forgotten: that many grownups literally do not know how to talk about a child without knowing their grade and their so-called “aptitudes” or without considering grownups “owners” of children (as opposed to guardians or nurturers). And when it comes to these evaluations, I’m not talking about the logical surveying of a handful of factors in order to file a child into a classroom, which makes sense in light of the system – I mean that many adults cannot relate to a child without first “knowing” this information.
It is the oddest thing.
I know I sound feisty. I’m not angry, I’m just continually surprised at what I should no longer be surprised about. In a way, it still saddens me a bit. While today I have made peace with the mostly-schooling world (although that majority keeps shrinking), I think often of the neophyte home- or unschooler – as I once was! – so ill-supported or even vilified by so many. I think of this new family and how much anxiety is often produced by these clashing concepts of human relationships (cf. my handful of very angsty blog posts a few years back). No wonder people frantically self-affix labels – like “whole life unschooling” or “radical unschooling” or “interest-led learning” or “autodidactic unschooling” or even “un-unschooling”. Part of the label-grabbing motive is to defend one’s choice to raise one’s own child in the way seen fit: “Please trust us, we have a plan for our kids”; others may, as I did, be passionately trumpeting: “No. This is different. Different than (practically) everything you’ve been raised to believe!” (I’m still trumpeting that… or clown-horning that, if that’s how you see it.)
We’ve “unschooled” long enough to move past that particular label being useful – it merely serves as a shorthand that I employ when it makes sense.
Now I’m at the end of a day, and still recuperating from surgery, so I’m too tired to eloquently defend a premise I believe in: that nearly all labels, given time, will morph from being useful, to being impediments. Labels are fine, but a fanatic and stubborn adherence to them can keep us from practicing compassion, from practicing humility, and from helping others who are struggling.
Yes, our unschooling experience is valuable, and there is no substitute for it. Theory isn’t the same as living it. I have that life experience to offer – and I do. My blessings and support to any on the path.
Predictably, I’m about six hundred words into a three-hundred word post. I apologize. Let me get to more relevant points:
A few weeks ago I feared the biases my daughter might face from the teachers, adults, and children she’d be spending the day with. But I have worked through those fears (so far!) because I have re-reminded myself that it’s not my job to make people see things the way we do – and, more importantly, that Phoenix can handle this. Our children are whole, and that is what will help them. Our children are intelligent, kind, empathetic, strong, full of humor and compassion, and authentic.
We are here to support them, one hundred percent.
They also have something many children don’t have: a choice.
They have a choice. You know, sometimes I forget how amazing that really is? We’ve worked our asses off to give our children a choice and I’m grateful for the many factors, and all the kinds of support, that have made this possible. My goal in being out as a non-schooling family is to show people: I’m here, we’re here to help, if you ever want to try something even a little bit different.
These days I do not write to offend, or write to defend. I write here with passion. If there is any one else out there that wants to jump off the diving board, I’m here cheering from the cool deep water.
Well, let me torture the analogy a bit. Now? I’m waiting on the bleachers, watching my daughter jump, yet again. She is a beautiful sight.
Such a wonderful post to read. Thank you. Best of luck to Phoenix on her newest endeavor!!! I am sure she will shine in whatever she chooses to do. 🙂
@Melissa
* U/Sing fist bump*
& thank you! You know I’ll be writing about my impressions on how it’s going!
Phoenix will be a shining star in a world where the darkness sometimes tries to overwhelm. Children are NOT second class citizens! It’s tough sometimes for me as a music teacher, because while in class, I address my students directly as thinking, interactive, intelligent beings, yet legally, I am not allowed to contact them personally outside the classroom. I insist that they call me by my first name, since I call them by their first name, and we give each other mutual respect, but I still have a different level of “adult” authority simply because of my legal contract as a teacher. And yet I do have friends who are younger (not my own students), where we laugh and chat and interact just fine. I enjoy my friends whether they are seventeen or seventy!
@Lyssa
So lovely to get another comment from you! I think it must be pretty fun to be a music teacher… although I don’t know if I could do it – besides not being qualified of course, I tend to wince at off-key notes. 🙂
U/S fist bump back atcha! LOL!
Looking forward to your updates in the months to come… 🙂
we are that neophyte unschooling/whatever family, unsupported and fearful (i know it my heart/gut that our kid will gain whatever skills she needs and will be just fine being an autodidact! she will! but fear! but what if she isn’t?! so many other people think we’re crazy/brave/WhoaWithWideEyes”goodforyou”! can so many other people be wrong? yes! i think so! ack!) and i cannot adequately express to you how helpful and confidence-building and soothing it is to have your years of journaling about your family’s experiences to help me chill the fuck out about it. i just wanna do the best i can by my kid, y’know? my husband and i both do. i think that interacting with her as though she is a sovereign person who’s valuable just because she exists and regardless of her age/station in life (because she is! of course! she’s a person!) is a key part of doing the best we can by her.
my gratitude for your previous experience and your willingness to share it with the rest of us runs so deep and so long. thank you. like, a lot.
and at the same time, we’re not really as neophyte as one could be. we’ve been autodidacticking since the beginning with our babe. it’s just that now the pressure really starts. every single person we interact with asks our kid if she’s going into kindergarten this fall. now it is more obvious to the rest of the world that we’re choosing a different path. sort of, now the testing of our wills starts. do we still believe that our choices are the best ones we could be making? (we do, right? yes, we do. okay.) does it matter that our kid does or doesn’t xyz at the same time as the kids in school? (no, we don’t think so at all. but we’re willing to bet on that, right? yes. yes. okay.) and that sort of thing.
thank you. continually. all of you.
s*
Thank you for your comment. One of the reasons I keep writing and keep publishing despite my self-doubt, self-consciousness and other forms of self-absorptive codswallip is the person who takes a minute and expresses gratitude that we share our experience. So, thank you for that.
Your fears (as described here) and your state of mind do take me back! I am also remembering my early mentors. One of them traded emails with me… it saved my sanity. She was such a help and an inspiration. Good memories.
On a daily basis the character of my kids – not just their smarts or their humor or generosity or intelligences – lets me know we did just fine.
“Can so many other people be wrong?” You know I think about this now and then… What I think is, “everyone else” isn’t “wrong” so much as, they’ve never lived longer than a minute and a half or whatever, any way but the “normal” (that is to stay status quo) compulsory schooling-and-training-children way… they are ignorant, and I don’t mean it in a rude or belittling way, just – they do not have the experience. Ignorance isn’t a bad thing, but pretending we are not ignorant, now that is dangerous stuff. I am ignorant about tons of stuff, I realize that now. All I can do is remain open and willing to learn – and maintain a teensy bit of humility and humor if possible!
Thank you again!
yes and agreed, re: your comment to my ‘can so many other people be wrong?’ gear-spinning/head trip. that’s what i come back to every time. the question is just one of the unhelpful fear dialogues that plague me from time to time. i still trust in my kid, though, and in her ability to continue to be amazingly competent as long as we get out of her way and support her however she needs it. and it’s also why i’m continually thankful for your writings, as i’ve said and will say again. i don’t know any local older unschoolers/etc. i’d love to, but haven’t figured out how, without driving 15-25 miles from our house all the time. which doesn’t seem all that sustainable to me. it’s always a question of balance.
anyway.
yes.
@s
Welp we never did meet any other U/Sers here in Grays Harbor. I know there are some but I never found them! Or I should say – not yet. We still managed to have an abundant social life (at times almost too crowded) – and as far as U/Sing support, well as you can see with our friendship here, that can be done online if not IRL.
When I think about an IRL U/Sing community I want to cry… something I don’t think I’ll ever have, not at least while my kiddos are still growin’.
Hoping you find the balance, and if not the balance, the humor! 🙂
Hugs to you all, especially to Phoenix as she embarks on this new adventure. If my daughters’ school trials (all those many years ago) were any indication, she’ll be an inspiration and a head-scratching puzzle to both adults and fellow students. I hope that someday she’ll be inspired to write about her experiences. xx
@Wendy
Thank you.