It’s like, already enough of a slog to get by bike to the treatment center in the rain. A lot of rain. Over the Riverside bridge the storm is severe enough to threaten my balance. I’m thinking, OK well through the town streets it might not be so bad. I just have to proceed more slowly, with caution.
I’m leaving a little late, too. I don’t like being late. So knowing what time it is, and deciding not to obsess about it, I settle into acceptance. I practice knowing I will get there on time. Even if I’m late, I am actually on time, because I cannot be there sooner than I can be there. About this time, just starting out on Cherry, I realize my back tire is pretty flat (I’d been thinking my sluggish pace was the wind). That’s when my sense of humor kicks in. Biking on a flat isn’t super-fun. Especially in a biting-cold storm rain.
The way I go, I disembark and walk up Scammel. No matter how much I bike, my knees don’t benefit from biking up hills. So I walk the steep ones. The tree-lined hill is blowing fierce with that warm storm wind – it’s quite thrilling in fact, and for a brief moment I feel very alive. I am amazed only a short time ago I was biking in as little clothing possible, to withstand the heat of the ride.
Treatment center work is a rock for me. For a few minutes I can get out of my own troubles. I cannot believe how grateful I am that I didn’t shirk on volunteer work while life was really good. I cannot believe how much I could have screwed up, if I had.
Today I am grateful because the weather created both perilous driving conditions (earlier in the day) and biking ones as well. Today I am grateful we are all safe, we are at least safe today. I try to tell myself this even if I don’t believe it.
Gratitude is not always effortless, I am finding.
Earlier in the day: pho with Nels. Nels who is my absolute treasure. Nels who got up this morning and came in the kitchen. And I said, “Someone rumpled you.” And he said, “It was you, Mama!” as he then hid in my arms for a hug. Nels who is now almost up to my shoulder in height and who’s hair smells dusty-sweet. Nels who one day will live out in the big scary World and incredibly that’s what’s supposed to happen.
I can’t exactly handle this but I literally pray that one day I will be able to.