Second-to-last errand of the day and the kids run upstairs to find me, breathless: “Mom! The car blew up. It made a noise and green stuff and smoke came out!”
Holy Good Mother of God.
The car had been idling in the driveway and even after this BOOM is still running. I switch it off immediately and my eyes close and my head falls back, just a bit. Dollar signs dollar signs dollar signs. A neighbor pokes her head out and starts talking to me. I’m distracted and I can’t remember what I say; but I hot-foot it back inside because it isn’t like I don’t have shit to do.
I go inside and thank the kids. They are alert, ears pricked, full of questions about the car. I am overwhelmed. “Please quit talking to me about this. I need a few minutes of silence,” I tell them. I drink a quart of water. I take a deep breath.
I thank the kids again. I send Nels next door to borrow my mom’s truck so we can get to where we need to go. We’re back on the road. I make a phone call to arrange for my car to get a look-see.
I can take those deep breaths. Thank jeebus!
It’s just – that kind of scene.
More upstetting than the car, even – today I got to once again deal with, except not-deal with because the communication is so poor on their end, those in official capacities regarding my child’s sexual assault case. I cannot stress how unpleasant certain entities have been these past two months. I am at times full of fear and anger. I am worried I’m going to get this huge, huge resentment towards entities I am not responsible to, and suffer trauma over events I have no control over. I am so glad I seem to be the only one in the family acutely suffering.
Now rather than vent my spleen in a public place, and from a perspective that might not be the healthiest, may I just say I pledge to you, dear reader, that if God Forbid this kind of thing should ever come knocking on your door, I am here for you, holding watch and bearing witness, having bourne out this trouble with dignity and self-respect. I’m getting through this ish not just for my child’s sake but for my own and for countless others; that I might help some day. The empathy, I am learning. The patience. The persistence. The gratitude – at times I struggle with that.
The whole thing is so crap that sometimes I have to find meaning in it. For my own sanity.
So yeah. Today was kinda shite.
* deep breath *
small stone #7
Hot coffee, a little bitter.
A man talks to himself feverishly; laughs, rolls eyes, swipes at the air!
The others around the tables
bear his behaviors with patience.
He could be me, I’m thinking.
He’s somebody’s son, I’m thinking.
I’m overcome with sadness.