Every day after coffee with my husband, I take a shower, tie my hair up and put on my little zip-up hoodie and get to work. I would work all day if I didn’t have other responsibilities; children, mostly, and volunteer work. And feeding myself so I don’t collapse. Lately I’ve been out of balance: too much work, too much time on other people. I need more rest; I want to take more care of my home. I scooted past a young man today at a recovery meeting, a young man with a broken face who had just a couple days clean. Mistaking my passing for affection, he gave me this little sideways hug. My heart breaks in these little ways when these moments happen; there is no point trying to express what I’m feeling so I don’t try. But I look at him and ask if he’s staying for the meeting, and I remember his name and I know it means something to me.
Back home and my children come by and pull me in for a hug (if I’m standing); they prostrate themselves across my body (if I’m laying down). The college quarter is over and my oldest child has, as a birthday present, a new computer. Both kids shout and laugh from their little basement gaming room; supremely happy. They need this time, and time with friends and food and sleep and affection and those are most of their needs. The house is only tidied when I can yell at the kids to do some work, and when my husband puts his incredibly efficient housework into effect. His body is strong and so is his mind and both rarely slip.
I am sewing on a buttery-soft jersey ITY; I am hanging up dresses on the dress form. I am hemming a little black dress and shortening sexy spaghetti straps. I am work, work, working to keep food in the refrigerator and try to stay on top of these bills. I am busy with the seam ripper with a little heater at my feet and the sunshine of Martina Topely Bird falling on my ears. And I suddenly realize in all our time together, Ralph never put his job before the family. He did his job but he stood his ground. And I think to myself what that shows our children about their value. I see so many straight couples where mother works her ass off and father has (or thinks he has) the big important job and is away from home or too tired when he gets home because he has Bills to Pay and I think it’s so often unfair, so often shit.
I stand up; stretch. My daily yoga practice is sluggish because I am tired in some way that defies explanation; still, my efforts keep those little kinks out of my neck, my shoulders, my hips. But yes I am exhausted, beyond tired. I have a call into a physician because I can tell something is wrong. Some nights by the time I’m in bed, I’m in a fog. I came out about this fatigue recently and as expected people shout explanations, solutions at me. These things can take time. I only hope I have the persistence to see it through, and that I am assisted by a pair of skilled hands and a good mind.
3/25/2018:
I am grateful for sleep last night, if I did not get a lot at least I got enough.
I am grateful for morning sunshine and good coffee and yoga practice and time with my partner on the couch talking!
I am grateful for such a great parenting relationship and for the ways Ralph and I compliment one another. Some of this is down to both of us choosing well when we married; but some of it is down to luck or good fortune, whatever you call it. You never really know how someone will be as a parent until you try!
I am grateful for lunch today, and for food in my pantry.
I am grateful for exciting sewing projects (paid and for fun); I am grateful for new clients.
I am grateful for time today with a couple brothers and a sister in recovery; I am grateful to be able to give back to my community a little.
I am grateful for a new modem; Ralph installed it to improve our network here.
I met with a woman in town today and she gave me two bags of fabric; those are always fun gifts and often a few surprises!
I am grateful for my kidney health – truly.
I am grateful for a hot shower and soft pajamas and dinner and family game night!
Goodnight!
3/27/2018:
I am grateful for a deep sleep last night, and to wake feeling rested.
I am grateful for payday, and to be able to purchase birthday presents for my child.
I am grateful for yoga this morning. I have been struggling with fatigue so it is best to do yoga in the morning than the evening. Today’s practice was challenging and I am grateful I stuck with it.
I am grateful for time with my youngest, running errands together and buying supplies for him to make birthday cupcakes for his friend.
I am grateful for time with clients today, and I am so glad I get to work with such amazing women!
I am grateful for the happiness of my older child. We did a bit of a wardrobe rehaul and they are feeling happier with their more masculine wardrobe.
I am grateful for time in the kitchen dyeing tulle for a friend’s wedding dress!
I am grateful for a delicious mango salad for lunch and a wonderful dinner as a family – watching Spongebob.
I am grateful for my partner and I am grateful for the love we feel for one another.
I am grateful for our health and safety. I am grateful for a warm and safe and loving home!
I am grateful for extra kids coming over lately… I just absolutely spending time with them or just hearing their laughter.
I am grateful for kitty snuggles, and for lime seltzer!
I am grateful for a hot shower and cozy pajamas and snuggling into bed with Ralph!
Goodnight!
3/28/2018:
I am grateful for sleep last night! I woke too early but was able to fall back asleep and get several more hours. I don’t know if it’s getting older, or if it’s my experience as a parent, but I do NOT take sleep for granted!
I am grateful for yoga this morning, and fresh hot coffee!
I am grateful for the health and safety of my partner and children.
I am grateful for time with my oldest; they pressed yardage and I cut it, and got through an otherwise arduous process.
I am grateful for texts with my ladyfriends.
I am grateful for my daily practices: my gratitude list, my yoga, my prayer and meditation, journaling, and reading the Dhammapada.
I am grateful for projects going well… in many ways it’s hard to leave off work, I get very excited about what I have ahead of me!
I am grateful for dinner – fried rice, which I then committed to the recipe book we are creating!
I am grateful for my new cowash, and a LUSH order on the way. Those little things make a big difference!
I am grateful my little FB pages have a little action and get participation!
I am grateful for a hot shower and cozy PJs and my candles and diffuser and a warm partner to share the bed with.
Goodnight!
3/29/2018:
I am grateful for sleep last night, although I did not sleep well.
I am grateful for the health and safety of my partner and children!
I am grateful for the Dhammapada; I bought a version for my Kindle (I have a paper version I also tote around). I am grateful such materials are easily available to us.
I am grateful for time working with Ralph on a website today! We make a good team.
I am grateful for time working on a pair of trousers; almost finished!
Right now I am irritated with someone who asked for my help, and then when I didn’t solve their problem for them, talked behind my back. This is just irritating and hurtful. I am taking a minute for myself. I am trying to find something to be grateful for and I guess I am grateful that I am not lashing out or doing something hurtful although I am super bugged. I am grateful for patience and for restraint.
I am grateful for clients and having a steady stream of work!
I am grateful I am over the “hump” with a project and hopefully will finish it this weekend!
I am grateful for yoga. I have been so fatigued but I have persisted.
I am grateful for a hot shower and cozy bed and my diffuser and my partner to snuggle with.
#goodnight!
3/30/2018:
I am grateful for sleep last night. Another rough night but better than the night before!
I am grateful for a wonderful, grounding yoga practice this morning.
I am grateful for food in my fridge, and for clients who (hopefully) pay me, and to have the bills (mostly) paid!
I am grateful for friends who text me. I am grateful for those who check in with me.
Today my Instagram post got notice on IG and FB. I am grateful for the work I do and it is fun to watch it gain more appreciation!
I am grateful for my son’s birthday presents, trickling in. I am grateful for birthday preparations. He turns 14 soon!
I am grateful to finish up a lovely pair of trousers, and mend/add buttons to two jackets today. I am grateful for all the wonderful work I get, and to have a studio to work in.
I am grateful for the health and safety of my partner and children.
I am grateful for those “little” things, those bits of self-care. I bought myself perfume, and re-dyed my hair.
I am grateful for hot tea in the evenings!
I am grateful for a hot shower and cozy pajamas!
Goodnight!
3/31/2018:
I am not feeling one hundred percent – I have a piercing earache. So I am grateful for ibuprofen and for fluids.
I am grateful for hot coffee in the morning, with my husband.
I am grateful for the health and safety of my husband and partner.
Trans Day of Visibility today. I am grateful for the safety of my child… and all my friends who are trans and gender nonconforming!
I had a big workday today and got through it. I am grateful for persistence.
I am grateful for yoga today! A grounding practice.
I am grateful for a lot of recovery service this evening.
I am grateful for time with a close friend.
I am grateful for website work.
Our electricity bill was SO high this last month… I am grateful we can support our family, even if it is tight af!
I am grateful for dinner with the family – quesadillas and refried beans!
I am grateful for a hot shower and cozy pajamas and a soft bed.
Goodnight!