Lovelies, some of you have been reading here for years. Others finding their way to my blog for the first time, daily. I want to welcome you, and thank you for joining me here.

I grew up in a family with a legacy of eating disorders and disordered eating. I was socialized in a culture that is constantly shaming women and our bodies – our very functions, size, and shapes. Disordered eating is no respecter of age, race, social class, creed, or educational background. I grew up with – and still have – friends consumed by these things.

Where are my role models?

I thought I was immune. It was easy to believe this, as I don’t diet or binge, and I don’t believe food has intrinsic moral value. My weight has been the same over many years and throughout many life changes.

But some time around 2014 I began to notice I wasn’t happy with my relationship with food, with my appetite, and with my energy. I didn’t enjoy feeling nauseated several times a day, “for no reason”. About once a day I’d experience intense desire for food – then once I began to eat, feel repulsed and have to stop. On bad days I’d rely tried and true, rather unvaried foods – foods I could eat without feeling ill, and foods that were easy to prepare.

I discussed my concerns with doctors. Since my bloodwork and body have been healthy by all standard markers, this didn’t get anywhere. At no point did any physician suggest I had any disordered eating pattern. I don’t know how or why they missed it. Maybe because I was not underweight. Maybe because many physicians aren’t trained for this sort of thing – more’s the pity.

But in any case, it’s down to me now. I know something is wrong, and I know healing is possible. I’m ready to start!

I know a bit about online journaling and I know I want to record my journey. I know there are others like me who might one day find me here. But this is one of my more personal epics to share, and it involves my friends and family as they are my community – for better or worse. To that end, I have elected that these more personal posts are for registered users only.

You can ask for the password. Yes, you can! If I can get up the guts to go through with this, and to write about it – you can get up the guts to ask to read.

It’s okay to read here.

Promise.

My goal is to relearn how to eat. My goal is to support others who might be on a similar journey.

Ready? OK go!