Octopussy (1983)

“When I kill it is on the specific orders of my Government.” – Octopussy (1983)

Octopussy (1983)

Octopussy! The thirteenth Bond film. Confusingly released the same year as competing Bond film – Connery’s one-time return in Never Say Never Again (which I am old enough to actually remember being played at the drive-in!). The Cold War was cooling down a bit but we needed a reason to keep our nukes. Hence: a plot with a villainous ex-Afghan prince played by a French actor, and Roger Moore as Bond eschewing his traditional campinesss for a very, very serious bomb defusing scene – while he wears a clown suit, of course. Maud Adams, despite being murdered in previous Bond film The Man With The Golden Gun, returns as the titular title lady-spy. I think she gets slapped a hundred percent less in this film, though, so there’s that.

1983 brings some smooth-jazz sexy sax to the theme, “All Time High” by Rita Coolidge.

 
You can join @VFD_crow & I in our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me. Better yet, get your copy of Octopussy*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

See you tonight!

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

Come on, it’s the early 80s. Let’s give Bond a break!

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

For Your Eyes Only is not a bad Bond movie, but it is a frustrating one to watch. It’s bursting with potential but keeps shooting itself in the foot because it can’t seem to decide what kind of movie it wants to be. There’s an intriguing ambition to be a serious, realistic spy thriller with a weary hero, but also jarring interludes of campy set-pieces and humor that’s broad and silly even by Moore’s standards.” (from the site Every Bond Movie)

Aw come on. It had some good stuff. A transgender Bond girl! And… Um, what else. Uh… the talking parrot. And don’t forget knockoff-“Blofeld”‘s infamous last words!

Plus the main Bond girl Melina Havelock, I totally bet she sports a mustache she has to wax.

Carole Bouquet, For Your Eyes Only

So yeah, tonight we watch the twelfth Bond film in the franchise, For Your Eyes Only (1981). You can join @VFD_crow & I in our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me; better yet, get your copy of For Your Eyes Only*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

See you tonight!

 
* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

Moonraker (1979)

“James Bond. You appear with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season.”

Moonraker (1979)

Tonight we watch the eleventh Bond film in the franchise, Moonraker (1979).

Outer space!
A master race!
Roger Moore and his smug Ass-face!

Last film’s credit sequence was so winsome, they elected to try again pretty much note-by-note, this time using Shirley Bassey’s pipes:

I’m a li’l pissy about this one as it turned down James Mason for the villian, again. A partnership involving James Mason and a Bond film would have been a little bit of heaven for Kelly Hogaboom. Nevertheless, we will soldier on and watch Moore sleaze his way around the screen! I actually think this film has some pretty good Bond repartee  – while everyone tries to ignore the bad hair and fashion of 1979.

Moonraker Bond Girls

As a seamstress, I know the heartache of running out of fabric.

Master villian, Drax! Hugo Drax! A name like that, you can only be either a Bond villian or a guy who drives a vintage Saab and bugs ladies at discotheques. Or all the above! But be sure to tent your fingers. THAT HELPS!

Villian Drax in Moonraker (1979)

… So for some reason Moonraker’s villian Drax is, in my mind, synonymous with Torin Thatcher’s role in Jack The Giant Killer (1962).

Torin Thatcher

(I might have to watch more stuff featuring Thatcher. He has litlte beady eyes, which are one of my favorite things.)

You can join @VFD_crow & I in our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me; better yet, get your copy of Moonraker*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

See you tonight!

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

“What can I offer you? Sheep eyes? Dates? Vodka martini?”

The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

It’s anywhere but down after the last two Bond films. Tonight we watch he tenth in the franchise, which debuted the year of my birth: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977).

 
There’s actually a fair bit to like: we’ve a great opening theme song, superior production and art design than the previous coupla films, the debut of Richard Kiel’s “Jaws” (campy but… still), an underwater car (a Lotus Esprit!), a great – and competent – Bond “girl” as played by Barbara Bach, and a pretty peachy-keen villain lair (I personally think Kim Possible’s Señor Senior Senior and his lair(s), are fashioned after TSWLM‘s Stromberg).

You can join @VFD_crow & I in our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me; better yet, get your copy of TSWLM*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

The Man With The Golden Gun

“Hello? Dignity? Are you there?” …. [Nope.]

The Man With The Golden Gun

Let’s face it: the 70s were not a great decade for Bond films. And remember, you are hearing this from a bonafide Bond fangirl. Perhaps The Man With The Golden Gun (1974), one of the lowest-grossing Bond films, is the nadir of our #BondBFF series. Perhaps not. Let me point out that the film features, on purpose, the following: an unconvincing purplish third nipple, a naked Asian lass named “Chew Mee”, Bond giving a sumo wrestler a wedgie, and an excellent car stunt besmirched by a slide-whistle.

Even the promotional stills for this gilded turd are tainted with The Awkward. Maud Adams in particular looks like she wishes she were elsewhere:

TMWTGG Promo Still

(This film, the ninth Bond venture, is the most lady-hatin’ film so far of the canon. I mean one can only tweet so much about this sort of thing. Like I had to watch Ms. Adams get her arm twisted and get hit four about five straight minutes. Ugh.)

Still! We must soldier on. Definitely join us next week for #BondBFFs – The Spy Who Loved Me (1977). You can join @VFD_crow & I or follow our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me; better yet, get your copy of TSWLM*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

Live And Let Die

Tonight’s #BondBFFs: Live And Let Die (1973)

Live And Let Die

Tonight – our first Bond film debuting Roger Moore, arguably the sleaziest and campiest Bond! And in my opinion? LaLD is also the creepiest Bond film, in good ways and bad ways. The film has enough blacksploitation/racist charicature to choke a generous-sized goat (see: Caricatures, a series of wonderful essays by Dr. Pilgrim). And Bond is also realllllly rapey, I mean even for him. He is particularly nasty to Rosie (as played by Gloria Hendry) and Solitaire – the latter who he tricks, using her own religion, to believe she is God-fated to hump him.

On the bright side, we have “the most terrific boat chase you’ve ever seen” – and Jane Seymour’s hair. She has such lovely hair. Admit it. Annnnnnd honestly the title sequence and song are killer.

 
You can join @VFD_crow & I and follow our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me; better yet, get your copy of Live And Let Die*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

Diamonds Are Forever

Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

Diamonds Are Forever

Tonight – our first Bond film debuting a Shirley Bassey theme song (and the second Welsh artist to do a Bond theme out of seven so far)!

 
Now, my Bond is rusty on this film. If I remember, it is pretty misogynistic and extra homophobic, even for Bond – notably with the handling, so to speak, of Bond girl Plenty O’Toole as well as the two gay assassins Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd. I will say, apparently the early 70s was all about good cleavage – both Toole and Tiffany Case (played by Jill St. John) provide us with acres of that soothing, mammalian goodness.

This is also the second-to-last Bond film to star Connery, so if you like his tiny inseams and louche panache you need to join us! You can follow our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me; better yet, get your copy of Diamonds Are Forever*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)

It’s Bond, again! With nymphomaniacs! And Switzerland! And the first Bond film to use skis! Also to break the fourth wall! (groan!) And to have a really bad boner joke (and you know I’m pretty lenient about those things!)! And to feature this big Australian bloke who impressed talent agents by hoisting crates of Turkish Delight – only to disappear again after this film!

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

Now quick. Which Bond had the best chin-ass? Was it this film’s George Lazenby?

George Lazenby

Or the 80’s Bond Timothy Dalton?

Timothy Dalton

(the answer is Dalton because he has sexiful eyes and a great voice, plus he is a talented actor and also does comedy quite well!)

Yes, tonight on #BondBFFs we are viewing the sixth Bond film. Follow our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me; better yet, get your copy of Her Majesty’s Secret Service*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

You Only Live Twice

Bond rises in the East! You Only Live Twice (1967)

You Only Live Twice

Yes, tonight on #BondBFFs we are viewing the fifth Bond film featuring Connery in yellowface, the evil piranha pool!, the formation of the adjective “sexiful”, and a rather beautiful theme song – or at least, so I came to believe after hearing Natacha Atlas’ rendition:

 
Follow our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me; better yet, get your copy of You Only Live Twice*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

Thunderball

“On you, anything looks good!”

Thunderball
These women don’t make anatomical sense,
but I can tell you the inseam on Bond’s orange wetsuit is rendered exactly.

Tonight: 6 PM Pacific Standard Time, #BondBFFs with my friend @court_anonymous and whomever else would like a little cinematic diversion. We are watching the fourth of the Bond films, Thunderball. I will say two things: this is the first Bond film to feature a man singing the theme, and 2. That man is Welsh TOM JONES and before I die I’d like to throw my panties onstage to one of his performances.

 

Follow our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me; better yet, get your copy of Thunderball*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)