ain’t I rough enough, woo

Today was white-knuckle ugly. It seemed everywhere I turned there was something to try my patience – starting with the morning’s discovery that our little kitty Herbert Pocket got into a bowl of popcorn and later vomited about twelve large piles throughout the kitchen, bathroom, and hall.

It went a bit downhill from there.

But there are those little things.

My kids were happy and healthy. I was tired this morning, but I made them a good breakfast. We sat together at the kitchen table. They hugged me a lot.

I did the things I was supposed to do. I put aside things I wanted, in order to help a few others.

I breathed deep while waiting at the doctor’s, instead of playing on my phone. I practiced Stillness.

I hosted a few people even though I was tired.

My children were glorious, lovely individuals; and I’ve had some influence making that a reality.

I let someone be kind to me, and I let myself be entirely unguarded.

I crept into bed with my husband and he held me close for a bit and we talked about our day. 

So today kind of got the best of me.

But tomorrow is another day.


“… & never speak of it again.”

Today my Advocate at Beyond Survival looks at me and says, “I got a read off you when we first met… I thought maybe something had happened to you, too.”

I don’t really “know” this woman but I trust her. Deeply so. She has been a lifeline for me. I’ve been coming here to get support regarding my child’s assault – coming here as a “secondary”, receiving Advocacy services – since the assault first came to our awareness. After a few appointments it now seems prudent for me to present myself as a client receiving services as well – for events in my own past.

It’s hard to hold my head up, right now. It’s easy to feel lost during this process. There’s the part where I’m supporting my son, and my daughter, and my partner – and then there’s dealing with my own feelings, my thoughts, my health. Today: setting up another medical appointment – triggering, as they say. My family seems to be doing well but I am having trouble. The nighttime anxiety ramps up. Sometimes I have to tell myself not to think certain thoughts, to put them aside. It is worse at night. I don’t know why.

I am sober, and I am behaving with dignity. I am tending to my responsibilities and I’m even employing self-care (yoga, prayer and meditation, volunteering, Chinese herbs from my new practitioner, eating food on time!).

I am sober, and I am behaving with dignity. Other addicts and alcoholics who have recovery, will understand what this means, in a way that probably few others can. But of course, I have many friends who support me and I know they want to see me get through this, and help my family get through it as well.



Speaking of alcoholism; today I was invited to speak on a panel talking about volunteer work in treatment centers. At the end of our talk, one of the attendees – who said he’d been to many such panels – commended the five of us and said we were the best panel with the best information, that he’d sat in on.

That felt good! I need a sense of purpose and today, I had one here and there.

For that, I am grateful.