Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

Carver: Mr. Jones, are we ready to release our new software?
Jones: Yes, sir. As requested, it’s full of bugs, which means people will be forced to upgrade for years.
Carver: Outstanding!

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

Tonight we feast our eyes on cheesy computer graphics and even cheesier media-moguls-are-megalomaniacs plot tropes in the eighteenth Bond installment – Tomorrow Never Dies!

 
I’ve seen this Bond film only once – probably when it came out. I remember only a handful of things: Jonathan Pryce is a groan-inducing ham, there’s one of those big blonde sadistic sonovabitch thugs (again, a Bond thing), there’s a sweet-ass remote control BMW heavily featured – and that Michelle Yeoh as Wai Lin is just awesome.

The theme song is a throwback to some of the earliest themes. A great song but Sheryl Crow just doesn’t have the balls-busting Bassey-ness, you know?

 
You can join @VFD_crow & I in our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me. Better yet, get your copy of Tomorrow Never Dies*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion logo fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

See you tonight!

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

[ insert boner jokes ]

Goldeneye (1995)

1995 – the year I graduated high school and Bond films came out of hiatus with Pierce Brosnan starring in the seventeenth installment – Goldeneye!

Brosnan’s Bond reminds me of Connery’s Bond – sleazy, smug, handsome and hirsute. Brosnan, along with Daniel Craig, is one of the more athletic Bonds, which is kinda fun to watch (for some odd reason I always think of Brosnan as this wee little fellow but at 6′ 2″ he’s an inch taller than my husband!).

Goldeneye is pretty solid as a Bond film, showcasing good stunts, decent dialogue (except for the quips), and a beautiful production design. The two main Bondgirls aren’t much (Natalya is boilerplate rescue-fodder and Onatopp is one of the worst writing decisions in a franchise that’s made many poor choices), although Dame Judi Dench as M. and Samantha Bond as Moneypenny are a nice addition. We’ve also an adorable cameo by Minnie Driver, while Alan Cumming’s considerable talents are wasted in the character of Boris. Last but not least: a kick-ass theme song by some pop royalty:

 
You can join @VFD_crow & I in our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me. Better yet, get your copy of Goldeneye*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion logo fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

See you tonight!

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

License To Kill (1989)

License To Kill (1989)

 
Tonight on #BondBFFs we are watching the sixteenth Bond film! License To Kill marks Timothy Dalton’s second, and final, appearance as Bond, and it is a woefully underrated entry in the genre. And I’m sorry, but Dalton is just so handsome I have to post another image:

Dalton in License To Kill (1989)

 
Hey, does anyone know why Bond has such a tiny gun? I’ve often wondered.

This film is pretty late-80s. Let’s see… dark revenge plot: check. Evil Columbian drug overlord: check. A tank of sharks: check. The film also features a beautiful and deadly Benicio del Toro, who looks about thirteen in this film. It’s also a very dark and very sexy Bond and I’m genuinely looking forward to it.

 
You can join @VFD_crow & I in our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me. Better yet, get your copy of License To Kill*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion logo fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

See you tonight!

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

The Living Daylights (1987)

The Living Daylights (1987)

The Living Daylights (1987)

We’ve slugged through fifteen Bond films to get here – The Living Daylights. And it’s kind of worth it because Dalton is a good Bond and a sexy one, and the rest of the film is quite alright. It’s no secret to Bond afficianados that Dalton was pretty good, and present-day Bond Daniel Craig’s performance, praised by many, is quite similar.

 

 
It’s a nice relief, as a lady, to watch Dalton’s films. They aren’t as nasty about women as the rest of the franchise. And the Aston Martin is back!

You can join @VFD_crow & I in our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me. Better yet, get your copy of The Living Daylights*, pause the film immediately after the U/A logo fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

See you tonight!

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

“Enjoy yourself – you’ll find the young ladies stimulating company.”

A View To A Kill (1985)

Everyone knows the best thing about the fourteenth Bond film, A View To A Kill, is Grace Jones as May Day. She’s got the best pre-Bond boning line. The best fashion. The best thighs. She’s awesome. The film sends her off in a rather meh-way, but still.

ladies of A View To A Kill (1985)
llllllllladies

I can’t remember much else about the film except it’s Moore’s last, Tanya Roberts finds a well-fitting jumpsuit in the third act, and Christopher Walken plays Christoper Walken playing a bad guy. I should also mention the title song (only the second time in fourteen films a man sings the theme) and credits are RADSAUCE.

 
You can join @VFD_crow & I in our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me. Better yet, get your copy of A View To A Kill*, pause the film immediately after the MGM logo fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

See you tonight!

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

1983 Bondd. That’s two “d”s for a double-dose of distingué

Never Say Never Again (1983)

Don’t tell anyone this, but Sean Connery tickles my fancy. YES I know, I know. He’s a mediocre actor who is somehow still lionized even though he always plays the same macho-pants stuff (usually as a giant), he can’t hide his accent, I mean – not at all, and that sort of seems like something actors should be able to do – AND he defends lady-slapping not once but even after he’s had some time to re-think it!

 
I KNOW. I LOL every time I see that video. Horrible.

In Never Say Never Again we have the fourteenth Bond film, or sort of not a Bond film at all, depending on who you ask. I’m going to count it, though, as it was a major release that featured a titular Bond actor. The film was confusingly released the same year as Octopussy and features, I’m sure you’ll agree, the most “Skinemax” of all Bond theme songs:

 
You can join @VFD_crow & I in our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me. Better yet, get your copy of Never Say Never Again*, pause the film immediately after the Orion logo fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

See you tonight!

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

Octopussy (1983)

“When I kill it is on the specific orders of my Government.” – Octopussy (1983)

Octopussy (1983)

Octopussy! The thirteenth Bond film. Confusingly released the same year as competing Bond film – Connery’s one-time return in Never Say Never Again (which I am old enough to actually remember being played at the drive-in!). The Cold War was cooling down a bit but we needed a reason to keep our nukes. Hence: a plot with a villainous ex-Afghan prince played by a French actor, and Roger Moore as Bond eschewing his traditional campinesss for a very, very serious bomb defusing scene – while he wears a clown suit, of course. Maud Adams, despite being murdered in previous Bond film The Man With The Golden Gun, returns as the titular title lady-spy. I think she gets slapped a hundred percent less in this film, though, so there’s that.

1983 brings some smooth-jazz sexy sax to the theme, “All Time High” by Rita Coolidge.

 
You can join @VFD_crow & I in our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me. Better yet, get your copy of Octopussy*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

See you tonight!

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

Come on, it’s the early 80s. Let’s give Bond a break!

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

For Your Eyes Only is not a bad Bond movie, but it is a frustrating one to watch. It’s bursting with potential but keeps shooting itself in the foot because it can’t seem to decide what kind of movie it wants to be. There’s an intriguing ambition to be a serious, realistic spy thriller with a weary hero, but also jarring interludes of campy set-pieces and humor that’s broad and silly even by Moore’s standards.” (from the site Every Bond Movie)

Aw come on. It had some good stuff. A transgender Bond girl! And… Um, what else. Uh… the talking parrot. And don’t forget knockoff-“Blofeld”‘s infamous last words!

Plus the main Bond girl Melina Havelock, I totally bet she sports a mustache she has to wax.

Carole Bouquet, For Your Eyes Only

So yeah, tonight we watch the twelfth Bond film in the franchise, For Your Eyes Only (1981). You can join @VFD_crow & I in our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me; better yet, get your copy of For Your Eyes Only*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

See you tonight!

 
* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

Moonraker (1979)

“James Bond. You appear with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season.”

Moonraker (1979)

Tonight we watch the eleventh Bond film in the franchise, Moonraker (1979).

Outer space!
A master race!
Roger Moore and his smug Ass-face!

Last film’s credit sequence was so winsome, they elected to try again pretty much note-by-note, this time using Shirley Bassey’s pipes:

I’m a li’l pissy about this one as it turned down James Mason for the villian, again. A partnership involving James Mason and a Bond film would have been a little bit of heaven for Kelly Hogaboom. Nevertheless, we will soldier on and watch Moore sleaze his way around the screen! I actually think this film has some pretty good Bond repartee  – while everyone tries to ignore the bad hair and fashion of 1979.

Moonraker Bond Girls

As a seamstress, I know the heartache of running out of fabric.

Master villian, Drax! Hugo Drax! A name like that, you can only be either a Bond villian or a guy who drives a vintage Saab and bugs ladies at discotheques. Or all the above! But be sure to tent your fingers. THAT HELPS!

Villian Drax in Moonraker (1979)

… So for some reason Moonraker’s villian Drax is, in my mind, synonymous with Torin Thatcher’s role in Jack The Giant Killer (1962).

Torin Thatcher

(I might have to watch more stuff featuring Thatcher. He has litlte beady eyes, which are one of my favorite things.)

You can join @VFD_crow & I in our commentary at #BondBFFs on awesometi.me; better yet, get your copy of Moonraker*, pause the film immediately after the MGM lion fades, and press play again at exactly 6 PM PST according to this site’s clock.

See you tonight!

* (My advice? Buy a legal version, and download/torrent it to put the file on the computer through VLC or some such, so streaming internet doesn’t make viewing stutter.)

JCS

linkage on friday!

JCS
dance, you filthy, taut-buttock’d hippies, dance!

***

First: after some sewing-room time listening to JCS, which is kind of one of my favorite things, I went online and found the ultimate Bob Bingham thread – Bingham also known as Caiaphas, who wore a novelty calculator on his sexy bare chest and a spray-painted acorn squash on his head. ZOMG so many great memories of singing the entire rock opera word-for-word with my HS girlfriends!

Second: I need any great pictures, video snippets, or factoids re: Billy Zane. Don’t ask why. Hush, child. Just: Trust. And post anything good in the comments.

Today: attempting to catch up on my writing commitments, I wrote a piece on Underbellie. I hope it helps someone.

Finally: you have a few days left to pre-order my zine and save a little funds. I have to be honest, my zine is in desperate need of help. I make about $1 to $2 per issue, and I think last issue (in February) I had fewer than ten subscribers. You can grab archive zines gratis; please do so to consider if this is a project you’d like to support or pass on.

Additionally, in zine news: I am offering up a sponsorship program. If you’d like to know more details, email me at kelly AT hogaboom DOT org. I am aware I just told you my zine is not enjoying widespread circulation; however, I do have a business plan for increasing viewership and response. So please do contact me if you’d like to support the zine in this way.

TTFN!