“calmer ‘n you are, dude”

Hutch, V. Ill

I took a photo of our beloved Hutch today just before Ralph and Phoenix drove him up to Summit Veterinary Referral Center, where they continue to run tests and put the dog on IV fluids and another batch of antibiotics. I had responsibilities here in town and so I performed them – cooking, cleaning, volunteer work, some support work for friends, taking Nels to the orthodontist, picking up a friend for an appointment.

With my time in Recovery and my discipline in spiritual work it almost seems like for naught as I am at the point of overload. Logically my mind says Hutch is in good hands and there is no point doing anything but wait until this latest series of tests and treatments is done – his third battery of treatments in as many days – and then see what the Next Thing is. However either my discipline is shot or there is a limit to even a tough cookie such as yours truly, as these several days of blinding worry have now got me in a numb, disconnected place. Last night for about an hour and a half after the second “we don’t know what’s wrong but he’s very sick and you’re right to be concerned” conversation I lost the ability to speak in a smooth cadence; it was only with a great deal of effort I could tell the kids and Ralph how to get dinner. Later in the evening I returned to normal. Today has been touch and go.

Hutch has been ill since last Friday; accordingly, I haven’t even been able to grieve the loss of our cat or process my upcoming kidney procedure. In the last case, good riddance. I don’t need to give the kidney procedure a single thought since it’s happening and there’s no point in thinking about it and I have no responsibility but Acceptance. The kitty… well I guess there’s no point thinking about that too, except I miss her terribly and I still feel that painful tug of What Could I Have Done Differently. I even remember the last time I saw her, heading away from us back towards home on the corner of 7th and L after she’d followed us a block – her tail all bushy and her back paws flipping up. I know I loved her well and often and with my hands and voice and thoughts while she was with us.

What else do I know? Well I am finding that sometimes – for me, usually! – it’s the easiest, natural, most healthy experience to Love. Other times it hurts so much it almost seems like I should guard against it at any cost – not that such an attempt wouldn’t be futile. I can’t help who I love and how hard, and this experience is showing me this in such a deep and profound sense that perhaps I will have more compassion for others when I get through what I get to get through.

an old machine that’s reeling

Shit is BROKEN.

My computer is broken. I can’t see colors on my screen. This has been like – a month now? At first I thought, OK well, at least I can still type. But the lack of colors is more debilitating than I thought. I haven’t been able to blog my (considerable amount of) sewing – and I haven’t been able to update my Etsy listings either.

Shit is BROKEN.

Our cars are broken. Ralph’s has something sort of serious – a loud clunking sound now and then – enough we’ve stuck it in the driveway until we can (afford to) fix it. So Ralph and I have both been biking a lot, yes he’s been biking to the college and all. My car – good Lord! – a broken window, busted all the way out driver’s-side. It’s been broken several days now but we are fortunately in a dry spell. That’s going to end any minute though at which point I will have to go with some plastic.

Shit is BROKEN.

My kidneys are broken. The doctor is probably going to recommend something icky as I have some part of the kidney possibly blocked off. It took about a year for me to begin to accept the pain. Now I’m trying to accept the fatigue and the nausea. The fact I’m trying to accept it means, maybe I will be there soon.

SHIT is broken.

Hutch is ill. We are hoping it is just random awfulness he (somehow!) got to sneak into his gullet. I am trying not to obsess it is something worse. He is weak and trembly and not eating food and if you know Hutch, that is weird AF.

SHIT IS BROKEN —

Most disastrous of all, our cat Hamilton is missing. Today has been one week since we saw her. Today is one week. I am sick over this. Just sick. We miss her so much.

Today despite all this I did my best to be kind, to treat my family and friends with consideration, and to attend my volunteer work.

What else can I do?

an unschooling morning

In the AM, I took a few pictures of what was up. Planned to take a few more later in the day but this is what I got.

an #unschooling morning

Nels wakes up and if he finds himself alone he usually comes and finds another person in a room, and falls asleep. He can sleep cuddled up next to someone, or on the floor, or here on the couch. Josie (lower-right) contemplates joining him.

an #unschooling morning

Just part of a sketch my daughter made. She draws about fifty figures a day on average. I shit thee not.

an #unschooling morning

an #unschooling morning

an #unschooling morning

I can’t remember what they were reading to one another, here. It’s pretty cool every morning they get to wake up and have a snuggly morning. Good stuff. No wonder they’re growing up so good.

After Nels ate breakfast, got dressed, & cleaned up, he spent some quality pet time:

an #unschooling morning

an #unschooling morning

Hamilton. Lap-magnet.

an #unschooling morning

an #unschooling morning

A couple pictures for people who might get the impression I always have a tidy  home. I think my home is tidy only about thirty percent of the time. In fact as of late it’s been messy because we had dog drama, then I had a very busy day, then I fell ill and am still recovering. Only the bare minimum of household work is getting done on my part, although of course the kids do their part with dishes, laundry, sweeping, and pet care.

At some point after these little snapshots we got busy as hell; mostly I was sewing up a difficult project – then Ralph and I had a Monday evening commitment. The days fly by, which is why it’s all the more important I practice mindfulness and meditation.

out in semi-seclusion / LOLspeak

This might seem counterintuitive, but if you’re planning a vacation may I suggest TAKING my kids with you? I am entirely serious. They are simply delightful. Since getting here they’ve been spending all their time swimming (with or without clothes – Nels just came in from the twilight, stark naked and grinning with all his teeth splayed, and announced “I went skinny dipping!”), boating, fishing, and eating. They are even forgetting to snuggle, until very late in the day (sob!). They are 100% agreeable 100% of the time, and say “thank you” for everything – when we help them with a fishhook, when we make them cocoa, when we serve them food, when we hang up a towel to dry. Just “thank you”, thank you thank you.

At dinner tonight we sit around an outdoor fire and Ralph brings plates heaped with food to the kids’ adirondack chairs and Nels crows how he is being treated like royalty (coming out a bit later I hear him courtly-like, addressing his sister as “my princess”). As we dine, both children discuss the food and how wonderful it is. “The grilled pork is hot and also delicious!” Nels beams at his sister. They are so happy and I feel so grateful for their presence.

Only a few years ago I found vacations a bit stressful as it seemed so much work was involved – packing and planning, managing the kids’ safety and their food and their behavior and their clothes. Over time I’ve come to trust the process of kid-growing, and rely less on my own efforts, egoic desires, and manipulation schemes. In time I came to believe a lot of my “management”, specifically with regards to behavior and manners, was likely counterproductive – although in my defense all this effort was entirely well-intentioned and was forged in response to very real cultural and familial pressures. Mostly these days I notice I have a parenting hangover. My state of constant vigilance left me exhausted and oddly less effective than I might have been. Water under the bridge; I know. But I write it here to let you know, if you’re raising young children you can learn from MY mistakes – you don’t have to make your own.

But despite my errors, and Ralph’s as well, the children have grown into amazing human beings. Two people I’d rather spend time with than anyone else. That’s pretty wonderful.

Today’s vacation photographs courtesy of Nels:

Self-Portrait, Top

Self-Portrait, Toes

My daughter and our kitty:

Phee + Hamilton

Phoenix fishes. She’s already put a solid 8 hours in. She is very patient. It would be really cool if someone who knew how to fish, would take her somewhere where you can catch fish.

Phee Fishes

Hamilton. Very pleased with herself:

Hamilton Is Pleased

And a few pictures from me. First – the laundromat in Shelton today. Is it just me or is that woman only pretending to read a newspaper, for God-knows-why reasons? & yes, Nels is wearing a sailor’s cap.

Laundrymat

Laundrymat

Paddling in the duck boat, a weird little craft we’ve had around here forever.

Kiddos Paddling, Perfect Balance

Another lovely day.

my 2000th post, broseph

I’m pulling out of the driveway but only a little bit nervous, as Ralph still isn’t home. I forgot what I’ve known for some time now – this week he starts 4/10 shifts with Fridays off (yay!) and won’t be home quite yet. Nels runs outside. Nels never. And I mean never. Ever. Let’s me leave without giving me a hug and a kiss. “Hug and a kiss!”, every time. He’s hung off the car before. He’s chased me partway down the block in his underwear. These days, obviously, I stall in the driveway so we don’t have to go through any of that.

“Where are you going?” He asks.

“A meeting.”

“But you’re going to throw up again,” he says.

“I’m better today,” I tell him.

“I hope so. I pray so nothing will happen to my Little Mama.”

I know what he means. I struggle with fear, because pain is so great when it comes. I am still trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be learning. I have learned a few things. Maybe if I write them out, I’ll feel better.

***

I was busy today. First a long walk-run with Hutch. Then a doctor’s appointment (by the way, my doctor recommended, as treatment for a kidney stone attack, slamming two beers in quick succession! I kid you not. And needless to say: ain’t gonna happen).

Then sewing some rad shit:

Cocktail Napkins!

(more pics to come!)

Something I’d looked forward to: D. with Freedom Tails came and visited and we talked about Hutch – who is at least thirty pounds overweight, and is suffering from a mild (but could-get-worse) skin reaction, likely from his food. D. and I talked quite a bit about the dog, his past and present (you can see him here as a past graduate, under his previous name “Hootch”).

D. had some absolutely wonderful recommendations and daily I am just super-pleased with what I’m learning from our dog. He already can walk well-healed and without stopping or marking, travel with me off-leash, respond to a “heel” command off-leash, and will come when I want him back on leash. Considering I’ve had him only two weeks and by the time he came to live with us he was an escape artist and a dog who pulls on leash AND sniffs and marks when he felt like it – well, things are going well indeed.

Not to mention I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND WANT TO POST PICTURES OF HIM CONSTANTLY and sometimes do (on Twitter).

The pets rested after a busy day.

4 Out Of 5

I LITERALLY NEVER GET TIRED OF TAKING PICTURES OF MY CATS

Hamilton, Keepin' It Classy

All Pooped Out

Harris

I shall not comment on the cats’ lifestyles. I shall not.

“Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is.”

One of the first things that happened this morning when I got my shit together, I open the door to let some kitties in while holding a hot cup of coffee. Up looks Josie, her perfectly-lovely little white paws very dirty from soot (WTF chimney-sweep), and cupped around some tender prey – an odd rat/mouse-like creature. I rushed the cat off and found the rat/mouse wasn’t too quick on his or her feet. He/she was very wet but looked intact. I huddled him into a box with fleece and sent out a tweet asking for any advice.

I like being an at-home worker. I like waking up too early with my son, getting laundry done and making up some hot breakfast cereal, then taking a bath with him (“I love you so much mama… more than anything”), and huddling back to sleep a few more hours. I enjoy being able to write, sew, rest, do housework, play with kids, or participate in Recovery – on more or less my own schedule and that of friends and family. I like being available for those who need help, family, friends, and people I just met and may never see again.

I enjoy even the simple task of grocery shopping and then buying my kids that chocolate milk at Lunch, the version the owner always makes extra-fancy for Nels (like – ridiculously fancy). I enjoy taking Phee in to the doctor’s (diagnosis: swimmer’s ear, probably from the several times a day the kids went swimming in an overly-chlorinated pool at LIG) and watching my little girl manage her own health plan. I enjoy seeing people in the community and having the time to talk with them, and make eye contact.  I like living in my body, in the rain and the lovely strains of the radio, instead of living in my head.

I really and truly and deeply love this kind of stuff. This year marks the ninth I’ve been at home and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

By the way, the little rodent was all dry and very spry later in the day, so we released him/her without further assistance. We also dipped Josie’s sooty-paws in some water so she’d feel compelled to do some self-hygiene. She remained, as ever, bitterly composed with that moderately-irritated expression on her face.

transit of Venus

Transit Of Venus

I’m incredibly grateful for the life I live. Tonight I got to see something that won’t happen again until 2117. If it wasn’t for my son and his interest in celestial objects, I would have never tried.

Transit Of Venus

Ralph made such a fuss about not standing in the line of the eyepiece that my eight year old Nels was very concerned he might get burnt, or go blind. He didn’t want to stand anywhere near that eyepiece, and was frightened when I took this photo.

Ten year old Phoenix has ice cream on her face, from the ice cream truck that came by. She is relaxed and smiling. She’s also mere days away from losing the one little cap on her teeth I allowed a crumbly dentist to install. She’s reassuring her brother in this picture.

Life is a lovely gift.

Flowers:

Shrine, Flowers

Kitties:

Ralph & Cohorts

we’re out enjoying the sunshine, here are a few images

Phoenix's Creation

Phoenix drew an island – the far-right brown-pink blob is the living hut, which is very far away from the far-left blue blob which is the sole source of fresh water. Active volcano in the middle, sharks and monsters. I’m thinking this place would be tough to survive in.

Cats

The cats, after eating an assload of roast beef

Hardboiled Eggs With Tamari

Hardboiled eggs with tamari, part of a breakfast for the kiddos

Nels On His 2nd Chocolate Milk

Nels on his 2nd chocolate milk

Sleep-Pile

Sleep-pile, nighttime

kisses & verse

Amber + Nels Friends.

My Daughter Phoenix, and her shoulder.

Reading As Per Usual Reading as per usual. The kids spend most their time outside and when they’re inside they’re either eating, reading, making artwork, bathing, or snuggling.

Reading As Per UsualLost in fiction

Phoenix Sings Pink Karaoke night: Phoenix performs Pink’s “Perfect”

Karaoke NightThe crowd responds to a tender ballad

Mongolian Death Worm / Something my daughter drew I find intensely amusing

Hamilton Takes A Much-Needed Break

Hamilton “The Hammer” Hogaboom takes a much-needed break.
This is what she did on Sunday, the day my brother was moving.
I think she was resting FOR him.

a little bit hopeful / a little bit cold

Scenes from a tender, kid-friendly (and how!), environmentally-conscious, Bahá’í wedding:

Women

Casual

Sculpture

Vows

Ruby Beach

A walk in Hoquiam whereby we saw the Saddest Garage Sale Sign Ever, and met Mustache Cat:

Yes. It Is Closed.

Mustache Cat!

Salsa De Aciete

A trip to Olympia with Nels; a bit of shopping, a shared meal, lots of walking, and a visit with friends:

Nels Wants This Feather Boa

Nels @ The Iron Rabbit, Olympia

I feel so incredibly fortunate not only to have Ralph an extra day of the week (he’s adjusted his work schedule for t he summer), but to enjoy this life more than I have previously. I no longer want to live as a walking dead, always plotting or scheming or planning or holding grudges or resentments or worries or – and this is the hardest one for me – fears. (So many Fears!).

I had a really hard day two days ago but I knew what I had to do, and I did it, and the next day was far better, and today was lovely – and serene.

Finally: today’s cat bullshittery. I wish I had the picture of when I tried to give the fourth (and not-pictured) cat, Harris, a light shower, just real quick (there was a reason, for reals!). Regardless to say he Kicked My Ass. No, he didn’t scratch me, but managed to knock me over and splash me with a quart of water off his filthy back. I technically accomplished my goal but he humiliated me. Here are some other Cat Moments:

Josie

“My coat is soft and lush. No you cannot touch it, Hardly Ever.”

Hamilton

IMPORTANT SLEEPINZ

Mable

Lonely Cat Iz Lonely for Lurve (Yes, she got it.)

Today? Was a Good Day.