Early ghosts of summer. Night walks. Sunshine through freshly-washed curtains; newly potted plants.
Too tired to cook, much.
Sore shoulders: yoga, bike riding. Tallying up: money for groceries, dinners out, new doctor bills. Debts.
Plans; worries. Set them aside. Anger; fear. Set them aside. Sage smudge stick, a candle, metta-meditation. Not quite enough, but all I have.
Today…
sweet Baby Jeebus.
Five pets. Three vet-office visits split between two vet clinics. Medications. A surgical procedure (Bun-Bun’s neutering)! A cone of shame for Hutch. A financial commitment (to us, by another) dropped, quite suddenly. So: bank errands. Hustle.
Exhaustion.
I’m out of gas, so I use my mom’s truck. I take a break and call a mentor; I get a few moments’ relief. Then, right before I’m off to collect the rabbit post-surgery, the front driver’s side tire shreds. I mean just completely flies apart. I got a bunny to pick up, and a little girl to get at a rural bus stop.
I don’t panic. I make some calls. My son is trying to talk to me. I’m so tired. I lean back.
The day got wetter, and colder, and more scowly, and weirder from there.
I’m tired and tonight I feel a little low. It’s easy to beat myself up when things don’t go according to plan. Gotta practice a little of that self-kindness, that love and compassion, so profound a lot of people never get to it for more than a brief moment at a time. Gotta practice it because I need it and because I want it for when times are shite.
All animals medicated, fed, warm, safe, & love. THREE of them on my bed right now, with a little son about to join to boot.
Goodnight, lovelies.
A little photo-blogginz:
The dog, who is rolling around in ecstacy as I furminate his fluffy ass. Pictured: approximately the same amount of hair as is in my backseat after one car ride. I jest, or do I??!?!
Mable, being awesome & chillaxin’ in her favorite chair. She likes it best when I clean the chair, so she can immediately furball it up. If you’re sensing a pet-hair theme now that the warmer weather has hit, BINGO.
Party time! A gift (hours of sewing but I didn’t take a photo, oh well!), & a three-layer chocolate cake with cheesecake filling and cream cheese frosting:
& the pièce de résistance, our uteriñata! The first-ever piñata I’ve made, as far as I know… it might have been Ralph’s first too. Ribbon-pull method, as nope, there won’t be any beating of a uterus up in this household.
At the party, our children – being beautiful, being themselves.
I’m pulling out of the driveway but only a little bit nervous, as Ralph still isn’t home. I forgot what I’ve known for some time now – this week he starts 4/10 shifts with Fridays off (yay!) and won’t be home quite yet. Nels runs outside. Nels never. And I mean never. Ever. Let’s me leave without giving me a hug and a kiss. “Hug and a kiss!”, every time. He’s hung off the car before. He’s chased me partway down the block in his underwear. These days, obviously, I stall in the driveway so we don’t have to go through any of that.
“Where are you going?” He asks.
“A meeting.”
“But you’re going to throw up again,” he says.
“I’m better today,” I tell him.
“I hope so. I pray so nothing will happen to my Little Mama.”
I know what he means. I struggle with fear, because pain is so great when it comes. I am still trying to figure out what I’m supposed to be learning. I have learned a few things. Maybe if I write them out, I’ll feel better.
***
I was busy today. First a long walk-run with Hutch. Then a doctor’s appointment (by the way, my doctor recommended, as treatment for a kidney stone attack, slamming two beers in quick succession! I kid you not. And needless to say: ain’t gonna happen).
Then sewing some rad shit:
(more pics to come!)
Something I’d looked forward to: D. with Freedom Tails came and visited and we talked about Hutch – who is at least thirty pounds overweight, and is suffering from a mild (but could-get-worse) skin reaction, likely from his food. D. and I talked quite a bit about the dog, his past and present (you can see him here as a past graduate, under his previous name “Hootch”).
D. had some absolutely wonderful recommendations and daily I am just super-pleased with what I’m learning from our dog. He already can walk well-healed and without stopping or marking, travel with me off-leash, respond to a “heel” command off-leash, and will come when I want him back on leash. Considering I’ve had him only two weeks and by the time he came to live with us he was an escape artist and a dog who pulls on leash AND sniffs and marks when he felt like it – well, things are going well indeed.
Not to mention I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND WANT TO POST PICTURES OF HIM CONSTANTLY and sometimes do (on Twitter).
The pets rested after a busy day.
I shall not comment on the cats’ lifestyles. I shall not.
I lie. The tire shop wasn’t sketchy. It was just a used tire shop, we’re bumped down from the days of Les Schwab and young handsome men running in slow motion out to the car.
I should say, our finances are, though. Sketchy. We’re scraping by to afford our little conference trip. And in the last couple days we’ve had to “emergency” surgery a cat, then “emergency” replace tires that were sprouting a crop of wire. I use the air dick quotes because, I guess it was all emergency stuff. If we didn’t surgery the cat she could have fallen gravely ill (and she was in pain), and if we didn’t fix the tires, we could have crashed on the road. So, damn, kind of non-negotiable expenses.
The kitty is fine. She’s all stitched up and hopped up on kitty drugs. I’m very grateful for her recovery. She is very dear to us.
Nels, a funeral for a bird. He voiced a lovely and earnest and powerful prayer before we buried her.
In other news: cute husband, who has helped create cute daughter. They are dressed as nerds today, for some theme. It works.
I also gave blood (of course) and my daughter held my hand through it all. Later, Nels rode on the back of the bike and held the basket with my embroidery supplies, for the class I taught. It was fun stitching, and showing people how to do some simple things. One student was an eight year old girl and that was about a thousand percent awesome.
It was good stuff.
Phoenix drew an island – the far-right brown-pink blob is the living hut, which is very far away from the far-left blue blob which is the sole source of fresh water. Active volcano in the middle, sharks and monsters. I’m thinking this place would be tough to survive in.
The cats, after eating an assload of roast beef
Hardboiled eggs with tamari, part of a breakfast for the kiddos
Nels on his 2nd chocolate milk
Sleep-pile, nighttime
Scenes from a tender, kid-friendly (and how!), environmentally-conscious, Bahá’à wedding:
A walk in Hoquiam whereby we saw the Saddest Garage Sale Sign Ever, and met Mustache Cat:
A trip to Olympia with Nels; a bit of shopping, a shared meal, lots of walking, and a visit with friends:
I feel so incredibly fortunate not only to have Ralph an extra day of the week (he’s adjusted his work schedule for t he summer), but to enjoy this life more than I have previously. I no longer want to live as a walking dead, always plotting or scheming or planning or holding grudges or resentments or worries or – and this is the hardest one for me – fears. (So many Fears!).
I had a really hard day two days ago but I knew what I had to do, and I did it, and the next day was far better, and today was lovely – and serene.
Finally: today’s cat bullshittery. I wish I had the picture of when I tried to give the fourth (and not-pictured) cat, Harris, a light shower, just real quick (there was a reason, for reals!). Regardless to say he Kicked My Ass. No, he didn’t scratch me, but managed to knock me over and splash me with a quart of water off his filthy back. I technically accomplished my goal but he humiliated me. Here are some other Cat Moments:
“My coat is soft and lush. No you cannot touch it, Hardly Ever.”
IMPORTANT SLEEPINZ
Lonely Cat Iz Lonely for Lurve (Yes, she got it.)
Today? Was a Good Day.
Our household is usually such a peaceful and cozy one and never so much than late at night, dishes done and the house tided, the kids (usually) on their laptops or one of the other computers in the house – or like now, playing with clay and reading quietly. Ralph is asleep and so are all the cats; Hamilton in bed up around his neck, Harris under the kids’ easel, Josie on our phonograph, and Mable in a cardboard box Phoenix found today and brought home to fit with towels for this very purpose.
The family is happy and healthy. I am feeling better and drinking (booze) less (yay!). The kids are joyful and content. Ralph suffers a bit as at night he typically stays awake longer than he should (for his sleep’s sake), because he wants to have time with us. As for the kids and I, our night-owlery is something we can afford to do with no ill effects; without a school schedule we are free to pursue the sleep and rest and activity we need. I am quite surprised to see how different our winter rhythms are than summer was. One of the principal joys of having seasons is appreciating the one you’re in and looking forward to ones to come.
That said, the children don’t seem to mind the gloom and cold, yet this year I do. I wonder why?
A Bath With My Young Son
(Small Stone #5*)
Your skin like velvet
Even in the cold pale of winter,
Rich like coffee and cream.
Hace mucho, mucho frÃo.
Business AS PER USUAL for some of the family.
Tonight, out for a roy rogers and frijoles (Nels’ favorite combo), at Los Arcos, which by right about now (being 11:35 PM) is some kind of hideous booze-soaked animal factory. [ shudder ]
At my mother’s. My rascally, bearded and occasionally beady-eyed family.
Happy New Year. Goodbye 2010, hello 2011.
